Jewish Humor 5
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| Shabbat Shalom | ||||||||||||||
| Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello,
Yankel! |
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| Adam, Eve and G-d | ||||||||||||||
| It was Adam,
Eve and G-d
in heaven, so G-D decided to reproduce the human race.
He told Adam: Go and kiss Eve. Adam: sorry, but, what is a kiss ? G-D: i will explain, my son So, G-D explained 10 minutes how to kiss. Adam went and returned after 20 minutes so excited. Adam: Done, what is next ? G-D: go and hug Eve. Adam: sorry, but, what is a hug ? G-D: i will explain my son. So, G-D explained 20 minutes different ways of hugs. Adam went and returned after 30 minutes, more excited. Adam: Done, what is next ? G-D: go and make love to Eve. Adam: sorry, but what is making love ? G-D: i will explain my son. So, G-D explained 40 minutes about making love. Adam went and returned very dissapointed after 2 minutes. G-D: what happened, my son ? Adam: sorry, but what is a HEADACHE ? |
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| Hilkhot Listserve (Jewish Laws of E-mail Postings) | ||||||||||||||
| Internet Torah:
And thou shall never repeat all that you heard just to concur or disagree, or my wrath will be severe unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall be great. Rashi: Kema shene'emar, 'all that you heard' - This means never quote an entire usenet newsgroup message, including headers. Rather, just add a few lines of your own. Rambam: It is a precept not to waste bandwidth.This teaches us the value of brevity.All those who know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well known fact, are ignoramuses and are not to be trusted. R. Yosef Caro: One must quote the name and date, but must never quote the Internet transmission path, except on HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the relevant part of the message, and have it spaced five characters to the right. It is strictly forbidden to quote more than you write.It is strictly forbidden to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines that are over 80 characters results in herem. R. Moses Isserles' Mappah: One can be lenient on line character length if it is denoted as being an HTML file.It is well known that German Jews have the halakhically acceptable custom of never writing lines _under_ 80 characters in length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid this. |
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| Perfect Rabbi | ||||||||||||||
| The results of
a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen
minutes. He
condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight
and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good
books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is
28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work
with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect
Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of
humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls
daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always
in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks. |
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| The 10 Suggestions | ||||||||||||||
| .
. .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert
where he gave them
the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is
no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that
they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and
that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them. The Ten Suggestions 1.
I am the Lord thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other G-ds besides
me. “The Ten Suggestions” is taken from How
to Be an Extremely
Reform Jew by David M. Bader (Avon Books), copyright 1994. |
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| The Main Differences Between Orthodox, Conservative and Reform | ||||||||||||||
| What
are the main differences
between orthodox, conservative and reform???
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant. At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant. At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant. And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant. |
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| A Hebrew lesson? | ||||||||||||||
| At
the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the Rabbi, finished the day's
lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period. "Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something
I need to know."
"What's that my child?" Asked the Rabbi. "Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you are correct." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is right too" agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?" "What I need know is this" demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing??? |
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| O'Reilly | ||||||||||||||
| A
man is walking along a street in New York and sees a little tailor's shop
called COHEN and O'REILLY. He
goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling
him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and he Jews, often
at one another's throats, have come together like this... The little Jewish man seems unmoved... 'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks.... 'Well, yes' the man replies, still oozing enthusiasm... 'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean, It's different! It's heartwarming!' 'Vell', says the little Jewish tailor... 'Here's annuder soprize for you...I'm O'Reilly!' |
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| Painting | ||||||||||||||
| Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the Rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the Rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the Rabbi said and as he started to hand them the heck a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more." | ||||||||||||||
| The Schlemiel | ||||||||||||||
| Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here. After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the loakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!" | ||||||||||||||
| Business is Business | ||||||||||||||
| A young
Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher
of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence
the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever
lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was
the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."
The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer
I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business." |
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| The Priest and the Rabbi | ||||||||||||||
| An Irish
priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After
a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your
religion, you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted
it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" |
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| The Cohen Brothers & Mr. Ford | ||||||||||||||
| It
was a sweltering August day when all three Cohen brothers entered the posh
Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen,
the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize
the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer
it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate
it to you in person."
After
a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter
a black automobile
parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened
the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!!!" shouted
the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and
push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden
a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents They haggled back and forth
for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens'
last name would be left off However, the first names of the Cohen brothers
would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning
system. And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle,
you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning
control panel:
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| Special Questionaire | ||||||||||||||
| *Respond
Promptly* As a special aid to our members we have enlisted the service of COMPU-SEAT, a computer firm specializing in High Holiday seating arrangements for synagogues. In order for us to place you in a seat which will be best suitable for you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the Vaad HaMidabrim of our Shul as soon as possible. 1. I
wish to be placed in a seat next to someone who wishes to discuss the
2. I
wish to be seated
in a seat where: 3. I
wish to be located
next to the following so that I may obtain free 4. Please
do not place
me anywhere near the following people: __________ 5. If you want to inform
your in-laws that no seats are available next to
Name: ___________________________________ Phone: ______________ |
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| Mama | ||||||||||||||
| Three
sons of a Yiddishe
Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed
the gifts they were able to give their old mother. AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother." MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse." Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas. But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS. |
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| Bar Mitzvah | ||||||||||||||
| The
Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu Catering
Hall in the Bronx. The
room was decorated lavishly with beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table
was overflowing with hot and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues
of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.
Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the situation
and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil rights workers and
it bothered them to see so much money spent on so worthless a cause. But
their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never
forgive them. As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the
hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"
And pointing to a small round table topped witha life-sized sculpture of
the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you
think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"
This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?" "Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in halvah!" |
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| Purim Torah | ||||||||||||||
| This is the Torah
of Sushi
Purim:
What is Sushi Purim, why do we observe it, and what are its laws and statutes? In the Mackerilla, the Book of Oyster** , we read in Ch. 9 v. 18 that "the Jews who were in Sushi had assembled both on the 13th and 14th days of the month (of Adar), and rested on the 15th day, making that a day of feasting and joy." **(from Yiddish, "oys" = "out" or "outside", and "ter" or "tir" = "door" -- a reference to Ch. 5 v. 1 where the Queen anxiously awaits the King outside the entrance to the court) Our sages understood this verse to mean that, just as they feasted "in Sushi", they also feasted "on Sushi". As Sushi was a walled city, those who live in a walled city must also feast on sushi on this day. What does it mean to feast on sushi? This means only kosher sushi, which may be either vegetable or fish sushi, either nigiri (on rice) or maki(roll), and either cooked or raw. Some poskim rule that sashimi (sliced rawfish) is also sushi for the purpose of the mitzvah. What is the minimum amount of sushi to constitute a feast? The majority decision is, at least 3 orders of nigiri and 2 of maki, per person. This assumes for a nigiri order, the chef makes 2 pieces; otherwise one orders six (some authorities say, only when Sushi Purim doesn't coincide with Shabbat, as the two pieces then correspond to the double portion of manna). The Rambam disagrees, stating that there must additionally be at least one portion (two pieces) of salmon roe, colored purple to recall the cloak of white linen and purple which Mordecai wore when he left the king's presence (Mackerillat Oyster, Ch. 8 v. 15). A lengthy explanation of this opinion, and related hilkhot, can be studied in the Rambam's famous work, "Guide for the Purple Eggs". We utterly reject the assertion of some Xtian commentators that the title of this latter work actually refers to the Xtian holiday of Oyster; (see "The April Dilemma"). The holiday of Oyster has a different derivation. It takes its name from the pots of dye used by children to color the Oyster eggs. If the dye was not thoroughly mixed, the eggs would emerge streaked, thus the cry of the mothers, "Oy! Stir that pot, will you?" which was eventually shortened to Oystir, or Oyster.Most authorities agree that the sushi seudah is invalid without the requisite minimum k'zayis of wasabi (blindingly hot green horseradish). However, we are cautioned
not to say a b'rachah on the wasabi, as one must not say a b'rachah over
substances which place one's health in jeopardy.Each person who participates
fully in the sushi seudah, including the required amount of wasabi, should
also say Birkat HaGomel at the earliest opportunity.
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| The Rabbi and the Priest | ||||||||||||||
| An elderly
priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young
rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more
between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading
the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper
is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several
days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi
which read: "Dear Father:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying
that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if
you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle
by now." |
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