Jewish Humor 43
| Going Deaf |
Ginsburg
was convinced that his wife was getting deaf. She refused
to go to an audiologist, so he asked the doctor what could be done. "Start at the door of the room. Tell her something in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't respond, move a little closer, still using a normal tone of voice. That should tell you just how deaf she is. Ginsburg saw his wife was doing the dishes. He said, "I love you my darling." No response. He moved a few steps into the room and repeated, "I love you my darling." Still no response. He moved closer, until he could touch almost touch her and repeated, "I love you, my darling." With this, his wife turned around and said, "For the third time, I love you too." |
Goldblatt
was showing off. He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It
cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art." "What kind is it?" his friend asked. "A quarter of twelve," was the answer. |
(To
the tune of, "Take
Me Out to the Ball Game!")
Take me out to the Seder Take me out to the Seder So we can nosh, nosh,
nosh and by-gosh |
Nothing would
fit me, not even a blouse. The matzah, the farfel, the charoset
I ate, After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist. When I
got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked
over to shul (less a walk than a lumber), I remembered the marvelous
meals I'd prepared; The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared,
The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese The way I'd
never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please."
As I tied myself into my apron again I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then -- I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp", "You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!" So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet, Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished "Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have any more macaroons from the box, I can't wait til next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.) I won't have any luxion, farfel or p'chah, I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw . It's a three day yom tov and shabbas is still Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill. If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot. So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet! |
As
a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75." Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one...there's hundreds of them!" |
Mandelbaum
died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She
called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to
print: ....Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "Okay, then print: .....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale." |
Two
nuns were discussing where they were planning on traveling. "Where should I go on vacation?" said
the first nun to the other. "Go to Israel," said the second nun. " "No. There are too many Jews there," said the first nun. "Well, go to New York instead." "No," said the second nun "there are too many Jews there!" "How about going to Miami?" said the first nun. Once again the second nun replied "No. There are two many Jews there." A Jewish lady who had been sitting nearby heard the whole conversation and replied: "Go to hell. There are no Jews there!" |
Many
times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte
fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than
one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what
a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides), when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot. Again, you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lakewater). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell." Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew, and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy!" The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming, and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are.) This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or, worse yet, prunes. |
Little
Saul fell asleep during the rabbi's very long sermon. I'm
sure some of you can appreciate being 6 years old and not wanting
to learn the subtleties of implicit lessons between two obscure
words in the Song of Songs, when instead you could be watching
cartoons at home.
The rabbi raised his voice and pounded the railing of the bima but the boy would not wake up. Finally, the rabbi called to the boy's father, who was sitting beside his boy. "Wake him up!" Saul's father replied, "Nu? Wake him up yourself. You put him to sleep!" |
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by
Rabbi Jack Moline
You have to keep in
mind the meaning in English of just five Hebrew words. ABBOTT:
I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson. |
|
What
would have happened if, instead of three wise men, it had been
three wise women? Specifically,
if it had been three wise Jewish women? They would have asked
directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the
stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts. But what would
they have said when they left? "Did you see the sandals Mary
was wearing with that shmatta-for-a-gown?" "That baby
doesn't look anything like Joseph!" "Virgin? I knew her in school!" "Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!" "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!" "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish back?" |
A rabbi was once
invited to deliver the sermon at a neighbouring congregation. The
members were all looking forward to hearing him, especially since
he had a wonderful reputation for never speaking for longer than
twelve minutes.
When the day in question arrived, the rabbi went into the pulpit and spoke at exceptional length, not returning to his seat for more than an hour. After the service the shul president approached the rabbi, told him how enjoyable the sermon had been, but also expressed some surprise at the fact that he had spoken for so long. "I'll explain," said the rabbi. "I tend to decide what I'm going to say as I walk to shul on Shabbat morning. My home is exactly twelve minutes away from my regular shul, so my sermon is invariably just twelve minutes long. But today, it took me well over an hour to get here!" |
Three
Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting
back together, they discussed the gifts hey were able to give their
elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how momma enjoyed reading from the Torah? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Torah. It took elders in the congregation 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it. Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "David," she wrote one son, "The house you built is huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Saul," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Irwin," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." |
Shealah: On
Shabbat in Chicago is one permitted to wear a kipah with a New York
Knicks symbol on it?
On a Shabbat morning I saw a youngster wearing a kipah with the sports symbol of the New York Knicks Professional Basketball team. I wondered, "Why would someone born and raised in Chicago wear a symbol of a sports team from another city especially since the basketball season was over? Would wearing a New York kipah confuse a fellow worshiper?" Let's explore the background of wearing a head covering. In the Talmud Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi says that it is forbidden to walk four cubits bare headed. The covering of the head is associated with Yirat shamayim and as a continuation of the practice of the Babylonian scholars. According to Rabbi Moshe Feinstein in his tshuva in Arech Hayyim aleph, page 5, a man is required to wear a covering if he intends to go more than 4 amot (about 6 feet). If the man is sitting at his desk, he does not need a head covering until he gets up. In the Talmud Rabbi Nahman's mother told him to cover his head so that the fear of heaven may be upon him. The kind of head covering is not mentioned. Tradition (or perhaps mothers) requires men to cover the head as sign of modesty before God and for women as a sign of modesty before men. This covering is a matter of Halacha l'Moshe mi-Sinai, law from the time of Sinai without a written commandment in the Torah. We are unclear as to the exact source for the custom. The custom is illustrated in both the Encyclopedia Judaica (1971) and in the Jewish Encyclopedia(1904). The covering on the head became one of the hotly debated points of controversy between the Reform and Orthodox movements. At one time many Reform congregations forbade head coverings; later they tolerated them; then they were made optional; now many Reform rabbis wear head covering during services and many of the congregation wear them too. They have come to the conclusion the head covering is Jewish. Let us examine our question is greater detail by trying to ascertain the questions within the question. 1) Is one required to wear a kipah? Unless you are in a Reform Temple of 30 years ago there seems to be no question that wearing a head covering is standard attire. 2) Is there a difference between wearing a kipah by a male or female? Very few people accept a kipah as regular head gear for women. Sometimes if a married woman enters an Orthodox synagogue without a head covering she will be requested to wear the only available covering, a kipah. Regular attenders will enter the synagogue with their own hat or other head covering. 3) May one wear a kipah with a corporate symbol? This would seem to have two possibilities. A) One receives compensation or B) One does not receive compensation. If you receive compensation from the company or work for the company then wearing of a kipah with a corporate symbol would be forbidden because you would engage in a commercial enterprise on Shabbat. This would be work forbidden by the Torah. 4) Does the sports season or team matter? If you are in Chicago and see a kipah from a New York team perhaps you could become confused. If you see a kipah with for a summer sport team during the winter perhaps you could make a mistake and say mashiv ha-ruah in the wrong season? If you see a team symbol from your favorite team who just lost their game maybe you will be sad. In other words after a losing season a kipah with a symbol of the Chicago Cubs could be a sign of mourning. Signs of mourning are forbidden on Shabbat. 5) Is the kipah in the general category of oneg Shabbat, the delight and joy of the Shabbat. The power of a community to enact ordinances is limited only by the consent of the resident scholars. If the scholars agree that the action is for the purpose of strengthening Jewish Law and intended for their own time and place, then there is a good chance that it (the change in action) will be accepted. A congregation could say a particular kind of kipah or other clothing is not conducive to the mood of prayer in their building. Anyone who does not comply could be forced to comply or leave the premises. If the people around you are annoyed or disturbed by a sports symbol kipah then it is forbidden because it then not a device of oneg Shabbat. The argument that this is a free country would not apply when one person is doing or wearing something that is so offensive to the community that they compromise oneg habbat. In other words -- Those sitting near you are the resident scholars. If they are offended don't wear any offending kipah. 6) Is there a difference between wearing a Knicks kipah during the off season or on season? Will the people around you become confused with the seasons? If so then one should not wear the kipah. The second issue depends on whether they had a winning or losing season. If they had a losing season and the people around you are reminded of the pain of losing then the kipah is a sign of mourning and is forbidden on Shabbat. 7) Is there a difference between a youngster (pre-Bar Mitzvah age) wearing the Knicks kipah vs. an adult? This is a question of tolerating one behavior in a child that for an adult would be forbidden. Is the question of oneg Shabbat different when observing the head gear of an adult or child? If an adult wore a kipah with children's characters or symbols on it, the congregation would have a different level of respect than if he wore a kipah closer to the norms of the congregation. If the people around the adult are confused or annoyed with the non-standard kipah its use should be restricted. 8) Would it make any difference if you are in New York or Chicago? In addition to the considerations of oneg Shabbat and being confused over the correct season we must consider: Will someone who is not familiar with the wearer, kipah, or synagogue be confused? Will a stranger think he is in the wrong city? For regulars this is not a problem. For people who travel a lot, one city looks like another. If you are a New Yorker in Chicago, see a New York Knicks kipah, then you could be confused and think that you are in New York. If you think that you are in New York, you could end Shabbat at the wrong time. Ending the Shabbat at the wrong time is clearly a reason to forbid the wearing a sport team kipah in the wrong city. In certain areas there is intense rivalry between cities. This may cause a danger if you are wearing the wrong team's symbol. It is advised not to wear a St. Louis Cardinal's kipah in Chicago irrespective of the day of the week. However, in Jerusalem I saw people wearing St. Louis Cardinals's T-shirts next to those wearing Chicago Cubs T-shirts without any problems. Conclusion: Adults should think carefully before wearing a kipah with a sports or other corporate symbol. The kipah could be making a statement that you are not intending. One should not confuse or annoy the people around you because that would be against the principal of oneg Shabbat. For a child the statement made by a sports symbol kipah is much less serious. If the kipah could be considered a way of adding interest to attending services at the congregation or to add to the enjoyment Shabbat for the children, then the kipah is oneg Shabbat and is permitted. If not, the wearing of this kind of kipah is discouraged. |
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