| Life
is like a Cup of Tea |
Moskowitz
and Finkelstein were in a cafeteria, drinking tea. Moskowitz studied his cup and said with
a sigh, "Ah, my friend, life is like a cup of tea."
Finkelstein considered that for a moment and then said, "But why is life
like a cup of tea?"And Moskowitz replied, "How should I know? Am
I a philosopher?" |
| Tradition
before a Wedding |
In
the little Jewish towns of eastern Europe before World War I, it
was quite customary to make marriage arrangements without consulting
the young folks most intimately concerned. The
marriages so arranged had many material advantages, but love (if the
old folks thought of it at all) was irrelevant.
In any case, young Samuel had been told to dress up because
he and his father, together with a few other male relatives, were to
travel to a neighboring town to sign a marriage contract, and this
would afford Samuel a chance to meet the family of his future wife
for the very first time.
Dressed in their finest and most formal clothes, the party of the groom
made its way over the snow to the village in question and reached the home of
the future in-laws. There a group of some twenty grave men, relatives of
the bride, were gathered for the signing.
Once inside the house, Samuel's father whispered to him on impulse, "Tell
me, Sammy, can you guess who, of all these fine-looking men, is going to be your
father-in-law?"
"Of course I can," said Samuel, and he pointed.
His father was astounded. "You are quite right," he said, "but
how did you know?"
"Easy," said Samuel. "One look at all of them and that one in particular
I already can't stand." |
| The
Beloved Rabbi's Last Words |
| The
beloved rabbi was on his deathbed, and life was slowly ebbing away. Around
the bed was a group of sorrowing disciples who felt the coming loss
keenly and who talked in whispers among themselves of the manifold
virtues of the old man now leaving them.
One said, "So pious, so pious! Which
of the many commandments of the Law did he fail to keep? Where
at any point did he deviate in the slightest from the commandments
of God?" And another mourned, "And so learned. The
vast commentaries of the rabbis of the past were, so to speak, imprinted
on his brain. At any moment, he could call to mind some saying
which would illuminate any possible theological question."
Still a third said, "And so charitable,
so generous. Where was the poor man whom he did not help? Who
in town is ignorant of his kindness? Why he kept for himself
only enough to hold body and soul together."
But as this litany of praise continued,
a faint tremor appeared on the rabbi's face. It became obvious
that he was trying to say something. All the disciples leaned
forward, with pent breath, to hear those last words.
Faintly,
from the rabbinical lips, there came the words: "Piety, learning, charity! And
of my great modesty you say nothing?" |
| Interior
Design Plans |
| Mrs.
Moskowitz was trying to describe to the interior decorator exactly
how she wanted her house done.
She said, "I leave the art and design
entirely to you. I ask only that whatever you do, it be spectacular. I
want it done in such a way that when my dear best friend, Mrs. Finkelstein,
should come in for the first time, she should instantly have a stroke
with jealousy and drop dead." |
| Mice
in Schul |
Three
rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.
Rabbi Ginsberg says, "We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The
shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of
you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?"
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, "We have the same problem at our
synagogue, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still
persists. Any suggestions?"
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen
and told the following story:
"Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried
traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services
were over a brilliant idea came into my mind.
The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services
started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of
the bima. Well, soon, hundreds of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the
cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese, I bar-mitzvahed all of them.
I have never seen any of them in schul again!" |
| Shule
Walk |
Two Jewish men were walking their dogs
near shule one Shabbes morning when they smelt the aroma of a cholent
kiddush wafting up from the shule's kitchen.
The first one said "Let's go inside."
The other replied, "What about our dogs?"
The first guy answered, "Just follow my lead."
The first guy enters the shule, puts one of the shule's kippas on his
head and is confronted by the shammes:
"You can't come into the shule with a dog."
The guy replies "This is my seeing eye dog" and is allowed in.
The second guy comes in, grabs a kippa and is also accosted by the shammes
about the dog.
This guy also says that it is a seeing eye dog.
The shammes screams out that the dog is a chihuahua.
The guy answers, "Is that what they gave me ?" |
| The
Cow that Gave Gold |
| A
stranger came to visit Chelm, together with his very old, very skinny
cow. The mayor of Chelm insisted the stranger stay in his home during
that time and even made room in his own barn for the cow. The stranger
was a little worried about being in a strange town, so, he hid his
gold in the straw in the barn under his cow.
The next morning, the mayor walked into
the barn to care for his animals, and he noticed the gold in the
straw. He figured out that this cow, unlike all other cows, gave
gold instead of milk. He was very excited!! He called a special meeting
of the Chelm Town Council and insisted that they buy the cow from
the stranger. They collected money from all the citizens in town. The
mayor asked the stranger if he would be willing to sell the cow,
and he offered double the usual price for a good milk cow. The
stranger started to protest that the cow wasn't worth that much,
but the mayor misunderstood and increased his offer. The more the
stranger protested, the more the mayor offered. Finally, completely
confused, the stranger agreed to sell.
The mayor gave the scrawny cow the best
stall in his barn. He fed her the very best feed in town. The next
morning, the mayor approached the cow to milk her. As he started,
he was very surprised to find that the cow gave...milk! And not even
very good milk!!
The mayor was annoyed. The stranger
had sold him a cow that gave gold, but all he had gotten was milk!
He reported back to the Town Council. They were angry. When they
told the townspeople, everyone was furious! They decided to track
down the stranger to get their money back.
They found the stranger in the next
town. With everyone yelling at him all at once, he had no idea what
was going on, but eventually, he figured it out. He turned to the
mayor and asked, "Did you feed the cow?"
The mayor answered, "Of course we fed
the cow! Do you think we don't know how to care for a cow?!!"
The stranger answered, "Did you ever
have a cow that gave gold before? Didn't you notice how scrawny she
was when I came into town? There's only one way to get her to give
gold... You have to stop feeding her! But, it took me weeks to teach
her to not eat. This is what you have to do. Every day, feed her
a little less. At the end of three weeks, you should be able to cut
her down to eating nothing. The next day, milk her, and she will
give gold again."
The Chelmites look at the stranger,
embarrassed about their previous anger at him. They return to Chelm
and start the feeding regimen that the stranger told them. The cow
got skinnier and skinnier, and the mayor of Chelm was very pleased.
Until, one morning, on the very first day she would have gotten no
food, the cow was found dead in her stall.
The people of Chelm were, of course,
very disappointed. But they always looked back nostalgically on the
day when, if only their cow hadn't died, they would have been the
richest town in Poland... |
| The
Poker Game |
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker
in the condo clubhouse when one of them loses $500 on a single hand
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade,
they complete the hand standing up.
But who is going to tell the wife? They draw straws, and Goldberg,
always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse than it is. Goldberg says "Gentlemen! I'm the most discreet guy you will
ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name. Leave it to me." So Goldberg goes
to the apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
"Your husband just lost $500 at poker," he says. She hollers, "HE SHOULD
ONLY DROP DEAD!" Goldberg replies, "From your mouth to God's ears. |
| Texas
Baby |
| A Jewish Texan buys a round
of drinks for all in the bar and announces that his wife
has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 20 pounds which even for
a Texan is atypical.
Congratulations shower him from
all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to
the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of
the Texas baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is he doing? What
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen
pounds."
The bartender is both puzzled
and concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds
at birth. How is it he lost so much weight?"
The Texas father takes a slow
swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve,
leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had the bris." |
| Jewish
Food Descriptions |
- Latkes:
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the
House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the
pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal.
Latkas can be eaten with applesauce, but NEVER with maple syrup.
There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a
latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain
is that you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
- Matzoh: The Egyptians'
revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour
and water-- no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could
actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does
fill you up and stay with you for a long time. However, it is recommended
that you eat a few prunes soon afterwards.
- Kasha Varnishkes:
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult
to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish,
but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni
(noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed
that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An
elbow on my table?"
- Blintzes:
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine
the N.Y. Post 1939 headline: "Germans
drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland -- shortage
of sour cream expected" Basically this is the Jewish answer to
crepe suzette.
- Kishka:
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they'd
take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper
or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions,
flour and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to
add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours
until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional
value left.
- Kreplach:
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate
on its origins. One rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie
fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an
Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy
and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother
or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
- Cholent:
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon
of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley,
potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and
anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican
restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard the comment from a
youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican refried
beans: "What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here, too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests.
She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never
came back.
- Gefilte Fish:
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond
and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My 5-year-old
son looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally,
it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture.
Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horseradish, "chrain",
which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to the
eyes at 100 paces.
- Bagels: How can we finish without
the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods,
there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any.
There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel
were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox.
Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread?
Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost
indigestible which could take the spreading of cream cheese and
which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole?
The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence,
and the dough is only there for emphasis.
|
| Rabbi's
Advice |
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
Man: Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it.
Rabbi: what's wrong?
Man: My wife is poisoning me.
Rabbi: How can that be?
Man: I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?
Rabbi: Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out,
and I'll let you know.
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
Rabbi: Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?
Man: Yes, Rabbi.
Rabbi: Take the poison. |
| We
Are the Very Model of A Modern Major Synagogue by Stan Plunka |
| (Adapted
from Gilbert & Sullivan's
THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE)
We are the very model of a modern major
synagogue,
Our services are innovative but lean toward the classical,
Our Baal Kriah seldom makes mistakes except for the grammatical,
We are knowledgeable of Maimonides, but rarely get too philosophical
Our dues are very reasonable and are never astronomical. In fact in
matters of the mind (most seriously - not comical)
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue. We have the finest
Tallesim this side of the Galapagos,
Our auditorium so large it can hold a convention of hippopatamos.
We do so many mitzvohs without a hint of contankerous,
We can understand each bit of Rashi & how it can relate to us.
We often sing Adom Olam without trying to be lyrical,
We never say Tehillim at a speed that is incredible.
We have agrounding in Gematria and apply its principals mathematical,
And at Kol Nidre, never failing, we always reach our pinnacle. In short
in Matters unequivocal, ethical and metaphysical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue. We can recite the
Shulchan Aruch and its chapters catagorial,
We know Judean Kings & their lineage historical,
We plan our renovations without them being so conglomeratus,
And with other shuls consider merging at risking being deleterious.
Our kashrut observance never gets fanatical,
Yet we know the hechshers for eating daily & Sabbatical,
We've kiddushes luxurios and pleasing gastronomical,
With kugels which are potato, lukshen, spinach or vegetable. No doubt
in matters that are animal, vegetable (slash) edible,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue. Our brotherhood's
yearly man is never egotistical,
Our sisterhood's noted for dinners delicious and delectable,
And our discussions of Moshiach never reach a realm hysterical
Indeed, in matters which are political, socio and economical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Our teen minyonim fully comprehends
the war of Gog & Magogik,
We have the needed Ganzer Machers none of whom is demagogik.
Undeniably in matters that are mystical, sensible and spiritual,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
|
| Shore
Leave |
| In
the mid 60's a U.S. Navy cruiser put into port in Mississippi for
a week's shore leave. The Captain
was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from
the wife of a wealthy plantation owner.
Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming
of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered,
handsome, unmarried officers to my home.
They should arrive at 8:00 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern
conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No
Jews. We don't like Jews Sure enough at 8:00pm on Thursday, the
lady heard a rap on the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform,
four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her lower
jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There
must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain
Cohen doesn't make mistakes!" |
| The
Furniture Man |
| My
cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses
in Miami, a furniture store. I
convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the
merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check
out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel
he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady... she only
spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a
word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook
and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they
went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table
in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went
to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers
and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank
champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late
when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this
day remarks to me that he's never be able to understand how she knew
he was in the furniture business. |
| |
