Chapter
I
And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King
of Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that party, that
the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti to come dance naked
in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was a liberated woman, and was not at all
ashamed to display
her body in public ("my body, my choice," she used to say). But she was certainly
not going to do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband. So she
refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major hangover,
Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting for him. Public
opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was forced to settle out of court
for an undisclosed sum of money.
Chapter
II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to
find a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance
with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian,
one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay.
One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended
by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor informed him
that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests
where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of
fashion. Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics,
literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would be made queen. And
the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he
said to make it so. Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there
lived a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more
importantly, had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination
of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test
and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected
the word "queen", and the
feminists didn't like the whole gender- based title thing, so it was decided
that she would just be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person
of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last
name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and
had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty,
she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
Chapter
III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor
Haman to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian
community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor,
by the appointment went through anyway. It turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite,
and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got. So Haman
sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan.
Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending
it. But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union,
who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction would violate
Haman's right to free speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation
was sent.
Chapter
IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon
as a sign of morning. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console him,
but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that
she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of all the
Jews. Esther replied that other social issues, such as the environment and
harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to
the urgency of the matter, and she agreed. Mordechai suggested calling all
the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought
that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight
vigil, and it was so.
Chapter
V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest
business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half
his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway,based on their
pre-nup. Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to
a big party she was throwing the next day. The King was very excited, and both
he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party. The King, for his part, was careful
not to violate the out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there
was none of that "dance naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with
performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand. And Esther
informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party,
being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon leaving the party,
Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's wife
advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have Mordechai
hanged the next day. She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's
Wife." And he built the gallows.
Chapter
VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants
to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag
films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all
they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced by Robert
Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there he read that
Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just then, Haman came in,
and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he owed a favor. Haman
suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some insignificant but warm-climate country,
or maybe letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the
King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout the
streets of Shushan. However, the animal rights activists got wind of the King's
plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai
around on foot. And it was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman
walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the King's
messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized
that her husband was doomed and commented that she had always known he would
never amount to anything.
Chapter
VII
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it
was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone
in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is that
man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure it's a
man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing all the Jewish people?" After
an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and
it was none other than his chief advisor Haman! The King stormed out in a fit
a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life.
He told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling
mother and had never had a normal childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a product
of society's failure to protect its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted
genocide" was reduced to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was
given the relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just
two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and paroled.
And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor,
his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King to
come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women,
and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger had
subsided.
Chapter
VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King
that Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for
the Jews to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such thing,
and instead, she arranged for a dialog being the Jewish leaders and the leaders
of the people of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all their differences, they
did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual acceptance and tolerance.
Chapter
IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews
were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day conference
of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that conference, they agreed
that a holiday should be established-the holiday of Purim. A holiday of charity
and gift-giving. A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street
parking rules would be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids could dress
up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had
missed out on something by not celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was
sent out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the
Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be Offended.
Chapter
X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh-levied
a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public television.
And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle Mordechai were duly
recorded in the annals of Persia.
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