| What is Kosher |
Conversation with G-d and Moshe on top of Mt. Sinai....
G-d: And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf
in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moshe: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moshe: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we
should wait six hours after eating meat to drink milk so the two are
not in our stomachs.
G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's
milk!!!
Moshe: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you
mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate
set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish in the
dirt outside...
G-d: Oh Moses, do whatever the hell you want.... |
| Rabbi of few Words |
Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello. this Rabbi Schwartz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will." |
| Jewish Wisdom |
My
father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking
Canada.
David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist
but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer
shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of
course, the man is Jewish.
Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If
you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if
you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for
thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found.
Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.
He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the
one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something
stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating,
and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life
unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this
country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives
feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses
hours.
Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody
to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare
nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has
no place to stink.
George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they
think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger |
| Who is an Israeli |
Over
the past year and a half, local celebrities have answered the question "Who
is an Israeli?" To widen the
perspective, the weekend magazine of the Ma'ariv newspaper opened up a telephone
line to the public, so they could contribute their own answers to that difficult
question.
Here are some of the responses:"An Israeli is someone who knows
what's better for you than you do."
"An Israeli is someone who goes
to Cyprus for the weekend and has his entire family waiting for him
at the airport when he gets back."
"An Israeli is someone who will always
look for somebody to blame instead of looking for a solution."
"An Israeli
is someone who sits in his living room and uses his cellular phone
to call his wife in the next room and tell her to bring him some sunflower
seeds."
"An Israeli is someone with 1,000 excuses as to why he couldn't
do whatever it was you asked of him.""An Israeli is someone who will
drive two and a half hours to save 50 shekels by shopping at the shuk
- but when he gets back to his car he'll find a parking ticket for 100
shekels."
"An Israeli is someone who loves life in Israel, especially
when he's abroad."
"An Israeli is someone who signals left, but turns
right."
"An Israeli is someone who'll curse you at a stoplight, cut
in front of you in line, recognize you from the army if you bump
into him abroad, and start up a conversation with you if you're sitting
across from him in the Kupat Holim waiting room."
"An Israeli is someone
who hopes for the best and prepares for the worst."
"An Israeli is someone
who spits his cigarette out his car window in Israel and in the next
breath complains that the streets abroad are much cleaner than the ones
at home."
"An Israeli is someone who will praise and support you only
after you're dead."
"An Israeli is someone who will do anything to get
out of reserve duty in times of peace, and will do anything to be able
to serve during times of war."
"An Israeli is someone who isn't embarrassed
to ask you how much money you make.""An Israeli is someone who knows
the answer before you ask the question."
"An Israeli is someone who can
bankrupt an 'all you can eat' restaurant."
"An Israeli is someone who does not know
how to say 'please,' 'excuse me' or 'thank you' - but in your hour
of need will walk through fire to lend you a hand. |
| Solomonic Decisions |
| Yossi
and Yitzhak are on a train across Poland, each on his way to meet a
prospective bride on the other side of the country. Halfway there,
Yitzhak turns to Yossi and says, "Forget about this whole marriage thing. I just don't like the idea." So
he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home.
Meanwhile, Yossi continues on and is met
at the final destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides.
When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly begin
to fight over whose daughter should wed this precious little boychik. "He's mine!" cries one. "Not on your life," cries the other, "He
will marry my daughter!"After bickering for a while, Yossi and the
two mothers decide to go the rebbe and ask him to resolve the situation.
In the grand tradition of the ancients, the rebbe replies, "Well, there
is only one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you
each take half home with you."
At this, the first mother looks shocked,
while the second mother grins and cries emphatically, "Yah! Cut him in half!!" The rebbe points to the second
mother and says, "THAT is the real mother-in-law. Case closed." |
| Work Rules |
An Israeli fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after filling the tank
on his car, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car
to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One
man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other
man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole,
the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right
past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand
this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the
road toward the men.
"Rega, rega (Hold it, hold it)," he said to the men. "Can
you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the Keren Kayemet (JNF), " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the Jewish People's money?"
"You don't understand, chaver," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Shlomo and Yitzchak. I
dig the hole, Yitzchak sticks in the tree and Shlomo here puts the dirt back.
Now, just because Yitzchak's sick, that don't mean that Shlomo and I can't
work." |
| G-d and Eve speak..... |
One
day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to G-d, "Lord,
I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And, I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than
you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you
can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." |
| Jewish Light Bulb Questions and
Answers |
Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Call a committee meeting.
Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
Q: How many Jewish
Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.
- One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity
from nuclear power.
- Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
- Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice
during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling
book called "The
Jew in the Light bulb."
- Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho-halachic
implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the
experience.
Q: How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it
takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer
teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the
morning.
Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one
to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they
were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change
the bulb.
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory
advice to the person changing the bulb.
Q: How many Lubavitchers does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it never died.
Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many congregates does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated
that light bulb!!! |
| Made-up Personals
from Israeli Newspapers |
|
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince
Charming to get me out of my parent's house.
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Couch
potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for
eight days. Who knows?
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Orthodox
woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it?
I'll
show you mine, if you show me yours.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27.
Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah
B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in
the "fast" lane. Yeshiva
bochur,
Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried
about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No
skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying
kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch
Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence,
although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman,
49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with
18 years of teaching in my behind.
Looking for American-born woman who
speaks
English very good.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a
sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to share your innermost
thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities.
No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman,
29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight
limp.
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish
denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion
70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. |
| RESTAURANT |
Rabbi Friedman, did a double-take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through
the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a
bowl of clam chowder the Waitress was setting before him.
As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon
was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the president ate
his way through his dinner.
As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him
saying: "You, you of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an
example, how could you eat such traife!?"
The president replied: "you saw
me eat the soup? And the shrimp? Yes, and yes came the Reply. "Then there is
no problem - I ate my food under rabbinical supervision!" |
| MINYAN |
A
Jewish man passing through Texas for a few day stay on business checked
into a rooming house in a very what you would call a frontier town.
Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went
in to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes,
wearing six shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a beer.
While
sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible the
biggest burliest, scroungiest looking specimen walks in and proclaims, "Ah, hears there is a Jew in here!" The Jewish man cringes,
says nothing. "Ah know you're in here and you better speak up," says the western
man.
The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face
up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially in such a
remote place as this.
He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!" The
westerner stares at him angrily, "What the HELL are you hiding for? Come
with me, ah needs you for a minyan." |
| A Story |
| An
angel is taking new arrivals on a tour of heaven. He opens a door with
a sign on it that says "REFORM" in large letters.
Inside, they see a vast hall where there
are multitudes of Reform Jews all laughing, talking, and eating. When
they see the new arrivals everyone smiles and waves. Next the angel
takes them down the hall to a door with a sign that says "CONSERVATIVE."
Again
the angel opens the door and there are multitudes of people laughing, talking,
eating. When they see the new arrivals they all smile and wave.
Finally, the angel says, "Ok. Now, when I show you the next room, you'll
have to just peek in and be very quiet. Be careful not to make the slightest
sound."
As they approach the door they see a big sign that says "ORTHODOX."As
they were instructed, they peek inside and see multitudes of Orthodox
Jews laughing, talking and eating. Then the angel quietly shuts the door.
After
the door is closed one of the newcomers asks, "Why did
we have to be quiet?"
"Because," said the angel,
"they think they're the only ones here!!!" |
| Rabbi's Speech |
| In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his
sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had
to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So,
he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape
the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants
saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos
goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within
a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the
Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he,
too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his
prerecorded sermon machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence
in history of "artificial
insermonation." |
| |
