| You might be a Jewish
Redneck if.... |
- You light
your shabbos candles from your cigarette
- Your belt
buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
- Instead of
a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
- You have
a gun rack in your sukkah
- You think
KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
- You think
marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law
- You don't
ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks
- When someone
shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy
- You are saving
a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
- You think a good
Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.
|
| Mummy |
An
archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a
casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history
museum.
"I've just discovered a
3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist
exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check
it out."
A week later, the amazed
curator called the archaeologist. "You were right
about the mummy's age and
cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece
of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." |
| The Bitter Herbs |
| The Jewish community
in Madrid needed the horseradish for its traditional Pesach ritual of Maror,
but whoever they tried approaching from among the suppliers, gave
them the same reply, "Sorry! No can do."
In desperation, the
Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv who happened to be
the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize
the dispatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by
air-freight to Madrid. It took the friend
two days to organize, and two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Alef
tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion
Airport onto El-Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.
Unfortunately,
when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of
Customs, he was informed that an unforeseen wildcat strike had just broken
out among the members of the airport's Transport and General
Workers Union, and no shipments
would be unloaded for at least four days.
So, you see, the chraine
in Spain stayed mainly on the plane. |
| Old Friends |
| Moishe and Shmuel had not
seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill
in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Moishe
invited Shmuel to visit him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids
and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's
the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and
come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator
and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the
sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press
the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But
tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then
pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"You're
coming empty-handed?" |
| The
Jewish Divorce |
A Jewish father calls
his son in New York and tells him, "I hate to tell you, but your mother
and I can't stand each other anymore, and we are divorcing. That's
it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.
I am telling you now,
so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
The father hangs up, and David immediately calls his sister and tells her
the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida
and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father, "Don't
do ANYTHING 'til David and I get there! We will be there Friday night."
The father says, "All right, all right, I'll wait."
When the father hangs
up the phone he hollers to his wife, "okay, they're coming for Passover. Now,
what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashana?" |
| Kosher
version of Dr. Seuss |
Sam!
Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER,
Let me be!
I will not eat green eggs
and ham.
I will not eat them Sam-I-am. But I'll eat green eggs with
a biscuit.
Or I'll try them with some
brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a
box.
If you serve them with some
lox. And those green eggs are
worth a try
Scrambled up inside some
matzoh brei!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with
chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr.
Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs
and ham,
Let your friends in on the
scoop:
Green eggs taste best with
chicken soup! |
| The
Forestry Graduate |
A new forestry graduate
receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest
with no people around for miles.
Included in the survival
gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a recipe for matzah balls.
When he asks why he's receiving
a matzah ball recipe, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road
when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to
remember your matzah ball recipe. You're going to get it out and start
making some and before you know it you're going to have ten Jewish women
looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make
matzah balls.'" |
| Syrian
Airliner 174 |
The captain
of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174
announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the
Mideast OTHER than Israel."
No answer.
A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We
have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast
OTHER than Israel."
No answer from anyone.
A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174.
We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission
to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone.
Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have
only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land
we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport
in the Mideast, INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit:
"This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like
to help."
"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, "what should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yisgadal, v'yisgadash ... |
| Bubbe
on a Cruise |
The children and grand children
of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe on a cruise.
Bubbe boarded the ship and
showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I
see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos
is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper
Deck."
She then went to the upper
deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, "I see, that
in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos
is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is
Outside Cabin."
Bubbe, needless to say,
was delighted.
She then showed her ticket
to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children
and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning,
bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food
for her Breakfast In Bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K?
What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.
First U Could Knock!" |
| What
is That |
A
few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians
and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told
that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.
At Moscow airport he was
stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open
the case!"
Joseph opened the case and
the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large
bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal
a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the
customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph
timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' You should ask 'Who is that?'
That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home
to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous
life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you
Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph
arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs
officer. "Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings
were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that" said
the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph
indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' You should ask 'Who
is that?' That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my
new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me
for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest
of my life."
"I always knew that you
Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case.
"Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in
his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young
nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust
of Stalin and put it on the table.
"Who is that?" asked his
nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph
with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is
that?'.
"That is five kilos of gold!" |
| First
Time |
As has been the tradition
for many years a marriage has been arranged for a young Hassidic couple. Unfortunately,
the young man has never been briefed on the why's and how
to's of love making.
The wedding takes
place and the young couple find themselves in bed, ready to consummate
the marriage. The young Hassidic man says to bride, "I've never done
this before. I'm not really sure what to do." His wife responds
in a reassuring way that she will guide him through the process. So..
She says, "Remove your garments." The husband complies.
She says, "Not just your
tzitzis. All your cloths." A little embarrassed the husband
complies.
She says, "OK. Now
you need to put that right here," pointing first to her husband and then
to herself. The husband complies....
Finally after about 10 minutes
of laying there, the young bride thinking quickly says:
"Now
... davin!" |
| High
Street Shopping |
A
Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet
food shoppe. An
impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely
asked, "May I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer,
"I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the
dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked
salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped
liver."
"No. No. You
mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish
patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver
this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant
salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!" |
| The
Art of Scientific Deduction |
German
scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the
ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British
government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists
to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass,
and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already
had a nationwide fiber net.
Israeli scientists
were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely
nothing...
They concluded that the
ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. |
| Definition
of Judaism |
|
JEWBILATION n. Pride in
finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
HAMPTONGOY n. A non
Jewish person that will lie about their religion in order to get free drinks
at Jet East and attain a Vishnick quarter share. TORAHFIED n. Inability
to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar
or Bat mitzvah. SANTASHMANTA n. The
explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the
rest of humanity celebrates Christmas. MATZILATION v. Smashing
a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. BUBBEGUM n. Candy
one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own
children. CHUTZPAPA n. A father
who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. DEJA
NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your
mother's face but not knowing exactly when. DISORIYENTA n. When
Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation
with everyone she passes.. GOYFER n. A Gentile
messenger. HEBORT vb. To forget
all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah JEWDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of
a tight spot. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo
balls that are as good as mother used to make. MEINSTEIN slang. "My
son, the genius." MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The
assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after
kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live
in the same condo as you. ROSH HASHANANA n. A
rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. YIDENTIFY vb. To be
able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names
might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. MINYASTICS n. Going
to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a
minyan. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion
from eating Israeli street food.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To
drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the
eyes of parents, grandparents,and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing
to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology,
is sufficient grounds for diskvellification) |
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