| Enough Jews |
At
the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems
and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins
by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World
War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer
asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How
can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle
East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been
the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews? |
| Messiah
Delay Expected--Y2K problem cited For immediate release |
Disappointing
news out of Jerusalem today-delay predicted in the coming of the
Messiah. A spokesman for God blamed software problems arising from
Y2K bug as the source of the delay.
Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic
Era. In a bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000
CE, and subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize
how pervasive this problem was" God said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was
just a Gematriah thing. Who knew?"
The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and God's
personal laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated
Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for
security reasons, but did mention that God uses an IBM ThinkPad, running
Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from
Microsoft went unanswered.
"These computers are really a mixed blessing," God said. "I don't like
to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned if you don't.'"
Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve
the problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise
a date for the fix. "I can tell you for a fact that Bill
Gates is not the Messiah,"
God commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring him."
About the Software, WorldPerfect 7:
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K
problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are
even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based
systems to computers. The following are excepts from a recent interview
with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware
was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing
was the way to go. "In the olden days, you only had to track 613
mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees,
minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece
of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc-you know, for the Das operating
system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully
integrated world processor, WorldPerfect 7.
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare
around here-so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah
and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was
impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just
to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens
in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand-how many
live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system....
|
| Gevalt |
NASA had sent many many shuttles into space to orbit the earth and made
an attempt to include passengers of all races and creeds...they realized
suddenly that they had excluded the clergy...so they invited a priest,
a rabbi and a minister to orbit the earth in a shuttle.
Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.
First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, his statement full of joy.
He said, "It was totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the
beautiful oceans."
Then the minister came out, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the
magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe."
Then the rabbi appeared. He was completely disheveled, his beard tangled
flowing in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled,
like you can't imagine. They asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?"
He threw his hands up in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was
to enjoy??
Oy, oy, oy! Every five minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with
the t'fillin, off with t'fillin, mincha, ma'ariv, mincha, ma'ariv!... GEVALT!!!!" |
| Yiddish
for Lawyers |
"In
the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have
difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish
may come to the rescue. So it happened that defense
attorneys arguing in a recent summary judgment motion in federal court
in Boston wrote, in
a responsive pleading, 'It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through
the dreck of plaintiff's original and supplemental statement of undisputed
facts.' The plaintiffs' attorneys, not to be
outdone, responded with a motion that could double as a primer on practical
Yiddish
for lawyers....
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS
----------------------------------------------------------------
MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff,
v.
SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al.
Defendants.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Civ. No. 87-2799-T
PLAINTIFF'S MOTION TO STRIKE IMPERTINENT
AND SCANDALOUS MATTER
Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule
12(f) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent
and scandalous the characterization of her factual
submission as "dreck" on page 11 of Defendant's Rule 56.1 Supplemental
Statement of Disputed Facts (a copy of which is attached hereto as
Exhibit A). As grounds therefore, plaintiff states:
1. For almost four
years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been subjected to the constant
kvetching by defendants' counsel, who have made a big tsimmes about the
quantity and quality of
plaintiff's responses to discovery requests. This has been the source
of much tsoris among
plaintiff's counsel and a big megillah for the Court.
2. Now that plaintiff's
counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defendants with a specific
and comprehensive statement of plaintiff's claims and the factual basis
thereof, defendants' counsel have the chutzpah to call it "dreck" and
to urge the Court to ignore it.
3. Plaintiff moves that this language
be stricken for several reasons.
First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow
member of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term "dreck" as it would
be to use "the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement." Rosten,
The Joys of Yiddish (Simon & Schuster, New York, NY 1968) p. 103.
Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff's counsel
in view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this
litigation.
Finally, since not all of plaintiff's lawyers are yeshiva bochurs, defendants
should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in Yiddish.
WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the mishegoss
and strike "dreck." |
| Berel,
Cherel, and Shmerel |
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel were talking
about moving to the US.
Berel says "when I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name.
They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says "when I move to America, I'll also have to change my name.
They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving". |
| Sports Car |
After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business
decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi
of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah (a parchment
scroll placed over the doorway to bless a Jewish home) for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah
for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is reluctant, so he waits a few days but finally goes
to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah
for a sports car? Go to the Reformed!"
Again, the man feels guilty, but finally he breaks down and goes
to the Reformed Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?"
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car! Can I see it?"
They go out and the Rabbi carefully looks over the entire
car, finally settling into the driver's seat.
"Well, this is fantastic," the Rabbi tells the man. "I have
only one question."
"What's that?"
"What's a mezuzah?" |
| Stop Sign |
| Alright, for those of you with time to waste online:
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you
do?
1. An average Jew doesn't bother to read the sign but will stop if the
car in front of him does.
2. A fundamentalist stops at the sign and waits for it to tell him to
go.
3. An Orthodox Jew does one of two things:
a) Stops at the sign, says, "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God,
King of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," waits
3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceeds.
b) Takes another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so
that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the halachah.
4. A Haredi does the same thing as the Orthodox Jew, except that he waits
10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000
watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever
he touches the brake pedal.
5. An Orthodox woman concludes that she is not allowed to observe the
mitzvah of stopping because she is niddah. This is a dilemma, because
the stop sign is located on her way to the mikva.
6. A Talmudic scholar consults his holy books and finds these comments
on the stop sign:
- R. Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long.
- R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before
proceeding.
- R. Shimon ben Yehudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed
be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings.
- R. ben Yitzhak says: Becase of the three patriarchs.
- R.
Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be
still, and know that I am God."
- R. Yehezkel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites,
the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the
house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop
sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason
he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus was he judged for his
transgression at the stop sign.
- R.
Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word,
though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him
the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town
and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out, "Stop, father!" In
this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is
written, "Out of the mouths of babes."
- R.
ben Natan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day,
as it is written, "Let them serve as signs."
- But
R. Yehoshua says...."[continues for three more pages]
7.
A Breslover Hasid sees the sign and prays, saying "Ribono shel Olam,
here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I am about to face
who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please watch
over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely." Then, "looking
neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully accepts
the challenge, remains focused on his goal, even as the car rolls backward
for a moment, then hits the accelerator and forges bravely forward, overcoming
all obstacles which the yetzer hara might put in his path.
8. A Lubavitcher Hasid stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in
the light of the Rebbe's teachings. Next, he gets out of the car and sets
up a roadside mitzvah-mobile, taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish
drivers who stop at the stop sign whether they have put on tefillin today
or whether they light Shabbos candles. Having now settled there, he steadfastly
refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until Moshiach
comes.
9. A Conservative Jew calls his rabbi and asks whether stopping at this
sign is required by unanimous ruling of the Commission on Jewish Law or
if there is a minority position. While waiting for the rabbi's answer,
he is ticketed by a policeman for obstructing traffic.
10. A secular Jew rejects the sign as a vestige of an archaic and outmoded
value system with no relevance to the modern world, and ignores it completely.
11. a Reform Jew coasts up to the sign while contemplating the question, "Do
I personally feel commanded to stop?" During his deliberation he edges
into the intersections and it hit from behind by the secular Jew.
12. A Reconstructionist Jew reasons: First, this sign is a legacy of our
historic civilization and therefore I must honor it. On the other hand,
since "the past has a vote and not a veto" I must study the issue and decide
whether the argument in favor of stopping is spiritually, intellectually,
and culturally compelling enough to be worth perpetuating. If so, I will
vote with the past; if not, I will veto it. Finally, is there any way that
I can revalue the stop sign's message so as to remain valid for our own
time?
13. A Renewal Movement Jew mediates on whether the stop sign applies in
all of the kabbalistic Four Worlds [body-emotion-mind-spirit] or only in
some of them, and if so, which ones? Must he stop feeling? thinking? being?
driving? Since he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this questions,
he is quite safe while he does so, barukh HaShem.
14. A biblical scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic
differences between the first and second halves of the passage "STOP." For
Example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains
two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the
first and second parts are the work of different authors who probably lived
several centuries apart. Later scholars determine that the second half
is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic
differences between the "O" and "P".
15. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another biblical scholar
amends the text, changing "T"
to "H." "SHOP" is much easier to understand in this context than "STOP" because
of the multiplicity of stores in the area.
The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on
the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe
to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence
of a commercial district.
16. Yet another biblical scholar notes that the stop sign would fit better
into another intersection three streets back. Clearly it was moved to its
present location by a later redactor. He thus interprets the present intersection
as though the stop sign were not there.
ALRIGHT, ENOUGH ALREADY!! |
| Sadie and
Yetta, two widows, are talking: |
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before
an answer I give him."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock.
An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes
me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine
even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous
dinner. Kosher even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I
enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ! So then we are coming back to my
apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off
my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"
Sadie: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?
"Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear a shmatta." |
| Jewish
Jeopardy |
A:? Midrash
Q:? What is a Middle East skin disease?
A:? The Gaza Strip
Q:? What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A:? A classroom, a Passover
ceremony, and a latke
Q:? What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A:? Sofer
Q:? On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A:? Babylon
Q:? What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A:? Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q:? What are a gut, a hut, and a cut? |
| Newspaper |
An
elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Farrakhan's newspaper. His
best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You
should be reading the Washington Jewish Week!"
The elderly man replies, "'The Washington Jewish Week' has stories about
intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles
of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's
paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks...
the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.
Better
to read nothing but good news!" |
| Tennis Club |
Schmuel Moskovitz is denied entrance to the Grosse
Point Tennis Club, because he is a Jew.
Determined to join, he takes
speech lessons, learns about boats, even tries to eat corned beef on white
bread with lettuce and mayonnaise. One year later he shows up wearing
a conservative
three-piece suit and a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his
arm.
They ask him questions: his name (Winthrop van
Horton III), where he lives (Connecticut, of course), What is your income
(I never discuss that, but I own skyscrapers in Manhattan and factories
in northern NJ) and -what is your religious affiliation?
His
chest swells with pride as he announces, "I am goy!" |
| JEWBILIATION |
- BUBBEGUM n.
Candy given to children by their Jewish grandmothers.
- CHUTZPAPA n. A
father who wakes his wife at 4 am so she can change the baby's
diaper.
- DEJA
NU n. Having the feeling you've seen
the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly
when.
- FLEISHADICK n. A
Jewish flasher.
- GOYFER n. A
gentile messenger.
- HEBRUTE n. Israeli
after shave.
- IMPASTA n. A
Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
- JEWBILATION n. Pride
in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
- KINDERSCHLEP vb. To
transport other kids in your car besides yours.
- MATZILATION n. Smashing
a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
- MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The
assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars
after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a Bar Mitzvah.
- RE-SHTETLEMENT n.
Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live
in the same condo as you.
- ROSH
HASHANANA
n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
- SANTASHMANTA n
. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah
while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
- SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding
out one's wife became pregnant after one hada vasectomy.
- SHOFARSOGUT n. The
relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally
blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
- TORAHFIED n. Inability
to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's
Bar or Bat mitzvah.
- TRAYFFIC
ACCIDENT
n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten
it.
- YIDENTIFY vb.
To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their
names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
|
| Ah---Sweet
Repentence |
| A
priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various
religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance.
The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn
Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest
tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution
from sins. After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes
home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the
merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's
so funny, dear?"
Her response,
"40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes to
sin, the goyyim pay retail....." |
| |
