It
is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the
rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including
that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with
police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The
water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty,
and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains
intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of
his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi
replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and
I am confident he will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi
is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the
officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're
in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous
man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The
deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current
and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted,
and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've
been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save
me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more
do you want?" |
Chapter I
And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King
of Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that
party, that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti
to come dance naked in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was
a liberated woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in public
("my body, my choice," she used to say). But she was certainly not
going to do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband. So
she refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major
hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting
for him. Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was forced
to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.
Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to
find a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which,
in accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others,
one woman, one Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who
was also rumored to be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested
holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the
land. But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was
a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where
men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out
of fashion. Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects
as physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would
be made queen. And the King, already lagging in the public opinion
polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.
Now
is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young
Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly,
had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents
for termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai.
Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen. Only,
the homosexual community objected the word
"queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender- based title
thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal Person." So
Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh,
though she kept her own last name. And being that Esther
was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever
of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her
own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
Chapter III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor
Haman to be his chief advisor.
There were some protests by the African-Persian community because he
hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor, but the appointment
went through anyway. It turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite,
and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got.
So Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining
his plan. Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop
Haman from sending it. But Haman was defended by the head of the
Persian Civil Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish, and who
claimed that the injunction would violate Haman's right to free speech. And
the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.
Chapter IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon
as a sign of morning.
And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console him, but he would
not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that she
should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of all the
Jews. Esther replied that other social issues, such as the environment
and harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded
her as to the urgency of the matter, and she agreed.
Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days
of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and
instead called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was
so.
Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest
business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther
up to half his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway,
based on their pre-nup.
Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to a big
party she was throwing the next day. The King was very excited,
and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party.
The
King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court settlement
he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance
naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with performances
by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbara Streissand. And Esther
informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next
party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon
leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined
his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall
and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day.
She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife." And
he built the gallows.
Chapter VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants
to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his
stag films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle,
all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced
by Robert Redford.
So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there he read that
Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just then,
Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom
he owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some
insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a
night in the palace's
"Lincoln Bedroom." But the King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai
around on a horse throughout the streets of Shushan. However, the
animal rights activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went nuts,
so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on foot.
And it was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman
walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than
the King's messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's
wife realized that her husband was doomed and commented that she had
always known he would never amount to anything.
Chapter VII
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And
it was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone
in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews.
"Who is that man?"
yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure
it's a man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing
all the Jewish people?" After an awkward silence, Esther told the
King that is was, in fact, a man, and it was none other than his chief
advisor Haman!
The King stormed out in a fit a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's
feet for her to spare his life. He told her how he had grown up in a
broken home, was raised by a crack-selling mother and had never had a normal
childhood.
Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to protect
its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced
to
"issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the relatively
light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just two years
of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and paroled.
And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their
mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced
the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility
towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was
through, his anger had subsided.
Chapter VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that
Mordechai was her uncle.
And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews to rise up and
kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such thing, and instead,
she arranged for a dialog between the Jewish leaders and the leaders
of the people of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all
their differences, they did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual
acceptance and tolerance.
Chapter IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews
were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day
conference of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during
that conference, they agreed that a holiday should be established-the
holiday of Purim. A holiday of charity and gift-giving. A
holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street
parking rules would be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids
could dress up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to
feel that they had missed out on something by not celebrating Halloween. And
a proclamation was sent out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages,
plus Ebonics. And the Jews were careful not to mention G-d's
name, lest any of the gentiles be Offended.
Chapter X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh-levied
a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public
television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her
uncle Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia. |
Yaakov, an up-and-coming Jewish inventor, is struggling through a bus station
with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks "Have you got the time?" Yaakov sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances
at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Yaakov brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display
not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 50 largest cities. He
hits a few buttons and from somewhere
on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West
Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Yaakov continues "I've put in regional
accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the
voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Yaakov. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny
but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by G.P.S. global satellite positioning," explains
Yaakov. "View recede ten," Yaakov says, and the display changes to show eastern
New York State.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says
the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch
is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar
device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up
to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so
far" says Yaakov.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not "
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Yaakov stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development,
and with $15,000 he can make another
one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Yaakov abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Yaakov after the stranger, who turns around
warily. Yaakov points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through
the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries." |
