| You
Might Just Be a Jewish Redneck If.......... |
- You think that marrying
your first cousin
is not only permitted, but biblically mandated
- Your home is mobile and
your sukkah ain't
- You have a gun rack in
your sukkah
- Your
idea of Shalosh Shudos is a six pack and some Redman
- Ad Lo Yoda applies
just
about every night
- You think KKK is a kosher
symbol
- You speak more English than
your shul president
- You light Shabbat candles
from your cigarette
- The only plant in your
home is your lulav
- The only area on your lawn
that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz
- Your idea of bathing
is using the mikvah
- Your
siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"
- Your Shabbat suit was a blue
light special at K-mart
- Willie Nelson sang at
your Bar/Bat Mitzvah
- Your local scribe shoots
his own parchment
- You've
ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha
- You've ever fired a shotgun
at the sound of Haman's name
- Your belt buckle is bigger
than your Yarmulke
- You give Ma'aser from
your spittoon
- A tish just ain't a
tish without a bugzapper
- You've
ever called the "Psychic Friends
Network" to answer a halachic question
- When you hear the shofar
on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs
loose
- You know what Brocha to make
when you see a UFO
- Your
Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during
his sermon
- You think the mechitza
is an Italian food
- You think
a hora is a high priced call girl
- You keep a can of spray
paint in your Tallis
bag
- You wear a white
hood for Havdallah
- You know which brand of grits
have an acceptable
Kashrut
supervision
- If
your Omer counting calendar
has ever come
up with three
cherries in a
row
|
| Jewish
Holiday |
Yasser
Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult
a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching
into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish
holiday."
"Which one?'" Arafat
asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever
you die, it'll BE a Jewish holiday." |
| Rabbi
Weiss |
Rabbi
Weiss was saying his goodbye's to the congregants after his Saturday morning
service
as he always does when Sheila came up to him in tears. "What's bothering
you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Weiss "Oh, Rabbi, I've got
terrible news." Replied Sheila "Well what is it, Sheila?" "Well,
my ex-husband, passed away last night, Rabbi." "Oh, Sheila" said the Rabbi, "that's
terrible. Tell me Sheila, did he have any last
requests?"
"Well, yes he did
Rabbi," replied Sheila "What did he ask, Sheila?" Sheila replied, "He said, 'Please,
Sheila, put down the gun...'" |
| The
Dog |
| Bennet
had a pet dog that he loved for 12 years. The dog died, and a heart broken
Bennet went to the Rabbi and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please
offer a prayer for this faithful creature ?"
The Rebbe replied, "No,
we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there
is a new temple
that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services
for an animal."
Bennet said, "So I'll go
see them now.
Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate
for the service ?"
The Rebbe replied, " So
why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ? |
| Aunt
Zelda's Rules for Jewish Living |
1.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice,
say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing
to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong
with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks
in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in
a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper
the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world;
two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant
empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays
are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking
is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good
paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would
need therapy?
13. According to jewish dietary law,
pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at
the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else
to hear.
15. No meal is complete
without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price,
you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important
than a good education is a good parking spot at the
mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom
you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second
Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and
honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill
me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth
repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year
after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter
in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll
be driving a big cadillac and eating dinner at four in the
afternoon.
27. There comes a time in every man's
life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually
happens at around age 45. |
| Abraham |
Abraham
is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to
the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham
and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from
the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis,
and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened
at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined
up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his
front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of
orange yarn.
Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to
the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at
Abe. "What is this, Jew?
This is not what I asked for! I told you
I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis.
Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful
when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with
me.
I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you
a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland." |
| Jewish
Guy |
There
were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy.
They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their
boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say
that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss
left and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can
get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish
guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees
his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the
Italian
and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again.
They ask the Polish guy if he wants
to leave early again and he says, "no."
They ask him why not and
he said, "because yesterday I almost got caught!" |
| Phone
Call |
It's
three oclock in the morning in the White house and the phone is ringing.
Clinton answers the phone and it's Saddam Hussein. Clinton admonishes Saddam
for calling so late. Saddam says "But I just had to tell you about this
dream I just had. I was in the US in Washington DC and there were all these
Iraqi flags flying around the city. "
Clinton responds, you know, I also just
had a dream, but I was in Bagdhad and there were all these strange flags flying
everywhere. Saddam says "What did the flags say?" and Clinton responds, I don't
know, I can't read Hebrew. |
| Morris
calls his son |
Morris
calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However,
I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my
oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm
divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father
to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind
is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to
divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together.
What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it.
I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really
don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama?
Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything
to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've
agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have
an
appointment with the lawyer the day
after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm
going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything
until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next
week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call
your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about
it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives
a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to
get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day
after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on
the telephone, but promise me that you won't
do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up
from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time,
but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to
get them to come down?" |
| Jewish
Calendar |
Rosh
Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia
-- Fast
Yom Kippur
-- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah
-- More feasting
Simchat Torah
-- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan-No feasts
or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah --
Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat
potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat
-- Feast
Fast of Esther
-- Fast
Purim -- Eat
pastry
Passover --
Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake,
blintzes etc.)
Seventeenth of Tammuz-Fast
(definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Nine days of Av -- Don't eat
meat.
Might be OK to eat cheescake
or blintzes.
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast
(don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul
-- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating
Disorders before High Holidays arrive again. |
| Man
o Manechevitz |
| An old, wrinkled Arab had been wandering
the desert without water. Things were so bad that his camel had died. Pulling
himself across the hot sand, he spotted something shiny sticking out, just ahead.
He crawled to it and found a Maneshevitz wine bottle with a few drops in it.
So he opened the bottle...and out pops a
genie.
But this was an unusual genie,
dressed in an alpaca coat, broad-brimmed black hat and with side curls...a
chasidic
rebbe genie. "Well, kid, you know how this works. You have 3 wishes." The
Arab was afraid to trust a
chasidic rebbe genie. But
the genie said "What have you got to lose? You're gonna die anyway." So
the Arab realizes he might as well make wish #1. He wished for a lush oasis
with plenty to drink and eat. Poof, it appears.
"I wish to become richer than the richest
Saudi sheik." Poof, huge containers overflowing with gold and precious
gems appears, "O.K. kid, it's time for #3.
Make it a good one."
The Arab thinks hard and
finally wishes:"Bring me a beautiful female and make me like I was as a
young man before wandering the desert, firm, white, long- lasting always
ready for a woman,
Poof! The Arab turned into
a tampon.
The morale: If you are an Arab, doing
business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string
attached. |
| Jewish
Lady |
| An
elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her,
blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This
you call a lining?" |
|
