Remember...these Jokes are
only old if you've heard them before...
Shipwreck A man is involved in a shipwreck and is stranded
on an island with nothing but a pig and a dog. After 6 months or so, the guy
starts to feel a little"amorous". So he looks at the pig and says to himself, "what
the hell? who's gonna know" So he takes off his pants, walks up behind the
pig and starts... well.. you know... boinkin the oinker. Suddenly the dog attacks
him and continues to do so until he stops.... Another 6 months go by and the
guy is going crazy with need. So he tries doing the pig again only to be attacked
once more by the dog. Yet another several months go by when this BEAUTIFUL
woman washes up on shore - naked as the day she was born. One problem, she
is not breathing. Quickly the guy gives her mouth to mouth. He nurses her back
to health. One day whe he is tending her she looks up at him (STILL NAKED)
and says.. in a breathy, sultry voice... "you have saved my life. Any thing
you want, it is yours. Any desire you have... ask. Anything...
anything at all." The guy looks at her lustfully and says... "YEAH! Can you
hold that damned dog?" Top of Page
Mirror A husband, tired of his wife asking him
how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as
now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him
how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in
front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically,
the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts
for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece
of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over
a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing
a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow
over the years?"she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked
for your ass, didn't it?" Top of Page
Ze
Woman She is Dead An elderly French man was slowly walking down
the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial
shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers.
c'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in
a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could
to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath,
to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis
woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love".
The police chief smiled
and said; "Come come Henri you are not so old remember ze young love, ze
spring time ze air ze flowers.
Ah, L'amour! Zis is
okay."
"Mais non! You do not
understand ze woman she is dead!!"
Hearing this Albert
leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car
being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and
ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ...
this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a young couple naked 'aving
sex "
To which Pierre replied,
"Albert, I am a man
of science. You must remember, it is spring ze air ze flowers. Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural"
Albert, still out of
breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this Pierre
shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer,
stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman
down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he
gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert,
who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside,
and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not
worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English." Top of Page
QUICK
THINKER A wife and her husband were having a dinner
party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this
and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized
that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her
husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very
grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the
steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed
a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further
down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great
if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering
the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman
was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back
to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock
the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed
his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to
his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There
were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He
looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at
the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!" Top of Page
ATR A man traveling by plane was in urgent need
of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied.
The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies
room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons
were marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR."
Making a fateful mistake many
men make in disregarding what a woman says, he allowed his curiosity to
get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully
pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed
his entire bottom. He thought, " Golly, the gals really got it made." Still
curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried
his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world.
The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom
with a sweet smelling silky powder. Well naturally he could not resist
the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital,
he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The
nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the
last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover." "Your
penis is under your pillow." Top of Page
Eggs A wife kept her secrets in a hat box under
the bed. Her husband, Abie, respected this privacy, and on not one occasion
did he pry....until their 30th Wedding Anniversary. "In all our years of marriage," he
said with a tone of inquisitiveness, "I have never asked to see what you keep
in that box under the bed. Will you show me tonight?"
"Certainly, darling..." she
replied with a glint in her eye. She returned from the bedroom placing
the box on the table. She untied the delicate box. Her husband was stunned
to see some $16,000 and three eggs. "I'm amazed!" he cried. "But tell me,
why the three eggs?" "Well, every time we made love, if I considered your
performance below average, I would place an egg in the box." Abie's chest
puffed with pride, "Hell, that's good, just three eggs in thirty years,
but tell me, where did the $16,000 come from?" "Every time I got a dozen
eggs, I sold them." Top of Page
Attention-Attention (Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably
out loud) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina
morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She
brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better
not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna
fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room
inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella
him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand.
I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma
bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. I go to
the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you
too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy. Top of Page
Motorcycle
Officer A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a
California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window
and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets
to the Highway Patrol Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have
balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized
what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. Top of Page
The
Pope has been touring different places promoting religion and
Catholicism. Recently he was in Cuba, and then stopped at the cottage
of the 7 dwarves on his way home. He stayed for about an hour talking
about life and religion. After his talk, he asked the dwarves if anyone
had any questions. A hand slowly went up. The Pope said, "Yes Dopey,
what is your question?" Dopey asked, "Pope, are there any dwarf nuns
in the Vatican?" The Pope replied, "No, Dopey, we don't have
any dwarf nuns in the Vatican. Are there any other questions?" A hand went
up again, tentatively this time. The Pope said, "Yes, Dopey, what is your question?" Dopey
responded, "Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" This time the Pope answered, "NO,
Dopey, I'm sorry, but we don't have any dwarf nuns in Rome. Any more questions?" Another
hand went up, very slowly this time. "My Dopey. You are very inquisitive today.
What is your question now?" This time Dopey said, "Pope, do you have any dwarf
nuns in the world? Anywhere at all?" At this, the
Pope inhaled deeply, and patiently answered, "No, Dopey. We don't have any
dwarf nuns at all. That is a very unique population, and we just don't have
any dwarf nuns. The other 6 dwarves began snickering and whispering, "Dopey
fucked a penguin . . .Dopey fucked a penguin." Top of Page
QUICKIES Organizers of National Orgasm Week were
disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
What's the definition
of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Did you hear about the
new Marilyn Monroe stamp? When you lick it, you feel like one of
the Kennedy's.
What's the difference
between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? You let the pit bull finish.
A father catches his
son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind." The
kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
What do a light and
a hard-on have in common? You can't sleep with a light on either. Top of Page
The
Pentagon found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement
bonus. They promised any general who retired straight-away, his full
annuity and benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight
line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.
(something Congress came up with) The first general accepted. He asked the pension
man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.00. The second general asked them to measure from
the tip of his outstretched hand to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a
check for $960,000.00. Meantime, the first general had tipped off
a third. When he was asked where to measure, he told
the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to my balls." The pension man said
that would be fine but he'd better get the M.O. to do the measuring. The M.O. attended and asked the general to
drop 'em. He did. The M.O. placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis
and began to work back. "My God!", he said, "where ARE your balls?" The general replied, "In Vietnam." Top of Page
THE
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF: 1) Each player shall furnish his own
equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2) Play on the course
must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3) Unlike outdoor golf,
the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4) For most effective
play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to
check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5) Course owners have
the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6) The object of the
game is to take as many strokes as are necessary until the course owner
is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the hole again.
7) It is considered
bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.
The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with
special attention to well formed bunkers.
8) Players are cautioned
not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing
to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been
known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9) Players are encouraged
to bring appropriate rain gear.
10) Players should assure
themselves that their match has been properly scheduled particularly when
a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have
been known to become irate to discover someone else playing what they consider
to be a private course.
11) Players should not
assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be
embarassed if they find the hole to be temporarily under repair. Players
are cautioned to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced
players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12) Players are advised
to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back
nine.
13) Slow play is encouraged,
however players should be prepared to play at a faster pace at the request
of the owner.
14) It is considered
outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match,
time permitting.
15) The course owner
will be the sole judge of who is the best player. top of page
A
Naughty Little Poem I'm sure you can imagine As plain as can be The place is Piccalilli The players He and She.
She whispered "Will it hurt
me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore".
Then finally contended Lay back and relax a bit Quickly and readily he bent over her And then he started it.
It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered His face was filled with a grin "Try and open a bit wider So I can get it in".
"It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I am having this".
And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad I came now You made it worth my while".
Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind! top of page
Bullfrog A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend
a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very
expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there was something he could help her
with. "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" she
says. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a frog??" said the woman. The
clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs." So, the woman decides
to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift
frog, and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning,
she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets
up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her
boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking
through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks
at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if
I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!" Top of Page
A
gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality
from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big
sigh, and said: "Mom, I have something to tell you - I'm gay." His mother
made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it
to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was
stirring and said calmly: "You're gay - doesn't that mean you put other
men's 'willies' in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh.... yeah
Mom.... that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then
suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him really hard over the head with
her spoon and shouted - "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again
!!" Top of Page
Fascinate A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York
City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted
the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family
went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
hesitated because Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided
there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with
10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8". Top of Page
Baby A young couple are on their way to Vegas to
get married. Before getting there, the girl said, "I have a confession to make;
the reason that we haven't been too intimate is because of my extremely flat
chest. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's OK with me." The guy thought about if for a while, and said
that he didn't mind that she was flat, and that sex isn't the most important
thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned
to the girl and said, "I also have a confession; below my waist, it's just
like a baby. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's OK
with me." The girl thought about it for a while and said
that she did not mind, and she also believed that there are other things far
more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy about their honesty with each
other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl
took off her clothes; she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One
glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she regained consciousness, the guy asked: "I
told you before we got married, why did you still faint?" The girl said: "You told me it was just like
a baby." The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds, 21 inches." Top of Page
Some
News from the Antropological Fields: Cultural differences: There is a beautiful deserted island
in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman * 2 French men and 1 French woman * 2 German men and 1 German woman * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman * 2 English men and 1 English woman * 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman * 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman * 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman * 2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this
beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere..... * One Italian man killed the other for
the Italian woman * The 2 French men and the French woman
are living happily together in a "menage a trois" * The 2 German men have a strict weekly
schedule of when they alternate with the German woman * The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each
other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them * The 2 English men are waiting for someone
to introduce them to the English woman * The Bulgarian men took one look at
the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming. * The two Swedish men are contemplating
the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about
her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not
snowing andthe taxes are low. * The Australians are all wankers, so
who cares? * The two Kiwi men start searching the
island for sheep while the woman gets friendly with a big banana she's found. * The Irish began by dividing their island
Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex
is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but happily, at least they know the English aren't getting
any... Top of Page
Sweet
Justice There was two high school sweethearts who went
out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed
losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go
to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast,
and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other
and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl
and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return
her letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted
to date around. He didnt take this very well and increased
his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she
became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her
back. So what she did is this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking
her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a
note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone. "Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken,
but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote
on the back of the photo the following:
"Dear Mom and Dad, having
a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents. Top of Page
Homesick A traveling salesman is in a small town in
the midwest, when his trip is suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was
already getting bored there and over the course of the extra month he becomes
very homesick.
Finally, he decides to give
in to temptation and visit the local brothel. He walks up to the madam
and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in
town."
The madam says, "For this
kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."
"No, no," says the man, "You
don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick." Top of Page
A
beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she
has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the
woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," says the doctor. He then begins
to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for
any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replies the doctor. He then begins
to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what
I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." Top of Page
Turner
Brown A small white guy goes into an elevator, when
he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown". The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white
guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small
white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what
did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name
is Turner Brown" The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought
you said 'Turn around." Top of Page
DIRTY
AT THE OFFICE TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE
BUT AREN'T: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop. 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag. 6. I want it on my desk, NOW! 5. HMMMMM... I think it's out of fluid. 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever
to finish. 3. It's an entry level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off
today. 1. It's not fair . . . I do all the work while
he just sits there! Top of Page
SOUND
DIRTY IN GOLF TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT
AREN'T: 10. Nuts . . . my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that
sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs
a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome. 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good
grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has
a lot to be desired. 1. Hold up . . . I need to wash my balls first! Top of Page
Surgeon When the surgeon came to see his young female
patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for
me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought
pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied
the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a
tonsillectomy."
