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| Who is Jack Schitt | What The Doctor Wrote | Medical Board Exam |
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BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice of whole wheat
toast
8 oz. low
fat or skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken
breast
1 cup steamed
spinach
1 cup herbal
tea
1 Oreo
cookie
MID-AFTERNOON
SNACK
Rest of
Oreos in pack
2 pints Haagen Daz ice
cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce,
nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with
cheese
large sausage & cheese
pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher
beer
3 Milky
Way candy bars
LATE EVENING
NEWS
Entire frozen Sara Lee
cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
RULES FOR
THIS DIET
1. If you eat something
and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a
diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by
the diet soda.
3. When you eat with
someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't
eat more than they do.
4. Food used for
medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara
Lee cheese cake.
5. If you fatten
up the people around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related
foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment
package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are Milk Duds, buttered
popcorn, Jr. Mints, Red
Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces
contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
caloric leakage.
8. Things licked
off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing
something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich
or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
9. Foods that have
the same color have the same number of calories. Examples include spinach and
pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
NOTE: Chocolate is a
universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
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Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, ...... "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee Deep Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins- Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dum Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a mongoloid son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt amd Giva Schitt were in separable throughout childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned home with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says you
don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them!
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Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, The sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure
is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted
by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and
shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit
might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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"Name the three advantages of breast milk."
Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in
such nice containers.
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He points to a tree and tells
the chief, "this is a tree".
The chief looks at the tree and
grunts "tree". The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a
little farther and the Padre points to a rock and
says "this is a rock" at which the chief looks and grunts, "rock".
The Padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The Padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike".
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The Padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people.
The chief replied, "my bike"
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Suddenly,
There's not half the files
there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system
crashed so suddenly.
I pushed
something wrong
What it was I could not
say.
Now all
my data's gone
and I long
for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed
so far away.
I knew my data was all
here to stay,
Now I believe
in yesterday.
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* Between you and me,
we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant
with her husband, I thought you would like to work
her up.
* She is numb from her
toes down.
* While in the ER, she
was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* By the time he was admitted,
his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
* Patient has chest pain
if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the
knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
* She has had no rigors
or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot
in bed last night.
* The patient has been
depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
* Patient was released
to outpatient department without dressing.
* I have suggested that
he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of
his wife, they should fall to the floor.
* The patient is tearful
and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* Discharge
status: Alive but without permission.
* The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of
him.
* Healthy appearing decrepit
69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused an
autopsy.
* The patient has no past
history of suicides.
* The patient expired on
the floor uneventfully.
* Patient has left his
white blood cells at another hospital.
* The patient's past medical
history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in
the past three days.
* She slipped on the ice
and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early
December.
* The patient experienced
sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary
edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.
* The patient had waffles
for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* The patient was in his
usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas
and crashed.
* The skin was moist and
dry.
* Occasional, constant,
infrequent headaches.
* Coming from Detroit,
this man has no children.
* Patient was alert and
unresponsive.
* When she fainted, her
eyes rolled around the room.
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They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you.. you now...eat...their...'things'??"
The Chief says, "No!" "No?" asked
the rescuer.
"No," replied
the Chief,
"THINGS go better with
Coke."
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The salesman examined the box, emptied its' contents and asked, "What is it?"
