harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 2
The Tree
Lawyer Jokes
The Missionary
The Stress Diet
Light Bulb Jokes
I'm a Pepsi Man!!
400+ Fulldeckisms Who is Jack Schitt What The Doctor Wrote Medical Board Exam
What Kind of a Man are You
The Other Medical Dictionary
Excuses not to go out on a Date
How We Can Tell We Are Aging
86 Reasons Why A Beer Is Better Than A Man
You know you're from Cal when
The Chemist's Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies Why a Beer is Better than a Woman
 Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The Stress Diet
 (This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the course of the day.)

  1/2 grapefruit
 1 slice of whole wheat toast
 8 oz. low fat or skim milk

  4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
 1 cup steamed spinach
 1 cup herbal tea
 1 Oreo cookie

 Rest of Oreos in pack
 2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream
 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream

 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
 large sausage & cheese pizza
 4 cans or 1 large pitcher beer
 3 Milky Way candy bars

 Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

 1.  If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
 2.  If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
 3.  When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
 4.  Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheese cake.
 5.  If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
 6.  Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,  Jr. Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
 7.  Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking causes caloric leakage.
 8.  Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.  Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
 9.  Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples include spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.

 NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
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Who is Jack Schitt
Who is Jack Schitt - the Lineage Revealed

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,  ...... "You don't know Jack Schitt".   Now, you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.  Awe Schitt, fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee Deep Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children:  Holie Schitt,  the twins- Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dum Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a mongoloid son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt amd Giva Schitt were in separable throughout childhood, and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.  The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt,  the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned home with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them!
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 A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her,
 and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

 Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?

 That night, The sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

 "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

 "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

 "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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The Tree
 A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

 The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first  branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  And so on.

 Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Medical Board Exam
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question:

"Name the three advantages of breast milk."

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped.  Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.
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The Missionary
    A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to arm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.  He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree".
The chief looks at the tree and grunts "tree". The missionary is pleased with  the response. They walk a little farther and the Padre points to a rock and says "this is a rock" at which the chief looks and grunts,  "rock".

The Padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in  the midst of heavy romantic activity. The Padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike".

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The Padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people.

The chief replied, "my bike"
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 All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
 Now my database has gone away.
 Oh I believe in yesterday.

 There's not half the files there used to be,
 And there's a milestone hanging over me
 The system crashed so suddenly.

 I pushed something wrong
 What it was I could not say.

 Now all my data's gone
 and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

 The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
 I knew my data was all here to stay,
 Now I believe in yesterday.
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 The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...

 * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 * Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
 * She is numb from her toes down.
 * While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
 * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
 * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
 * She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
 * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
 * Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
 * I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
 * The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
 * Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
 * The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
 * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
 * The patient refused an autopsy.
 * The patient has no past history of suicides.
 * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
 * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
 * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
 * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
 * The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
 * The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
 * The skin was moist and dry.
 * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
 * Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
 * Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
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I'm a Pepsi Man!!
 An airplane carrying a shipment of Pepsi  had a malfunction over the African  continent, and went down.   A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.  They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

 They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah."  When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

 The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another  rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their  arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

 After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you.. you now...eat...their...'things'??"

The Chief says, "No!"     "No?" asked the rescuer.
 "No," replied the Chief,

 "THINGS go better with Coke."
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You know you're from California when:
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bulletproof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Your mouse has only one ball.
You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
Your family tree contains "significant others".
Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets.
When "the Dead" are best live.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".
All highways out of the state say:  "Go back".
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How to tell if you are aging:
When my old electric typewriter needed a new ribbon, I removed the old one, with its spools, put it in its' original box and took it to a well-known office supply store in midtown Manhattan.  I presented it to a young salesman and asked, "May I have another one?"

The salesman examined the box, emptied its' contents and asked, "What is it?"

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