"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
  --A. Whitney Brown

 "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
  --Michael McShane

 "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. G-d has spoken. Is that the word of G-d or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

 "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
  --Paula Poundstone

 "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

 "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
  --Jack Mayberry

 "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
  --Elayne Boosler

 "I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself."
  --Judy Tenuta

 "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
  --John Mendoza

 "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
  --Steven Wright

 "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
  --Bob Ettinger

 "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
  --Conan O'Brien

 "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
  --Rita Rudner

 "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
  --Winston Spear

 "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
  --Bruce Baum

 "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
  --Marsha Warfield

 "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.  We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
  --Jeff Stilson

 "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
  --Sue Murphy

 "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best  friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
  --Rita Mae Brown

 "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
  --Ron Richards

 "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
  --Lily Tomlin

 "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
  --Rita Rudner

 "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
  --Drew Carey

 "The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
  --Yakov Smirnoff

 "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
 --Bill Maher

 "You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."  --Jay Mohr

 "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
  --Christopher Case

 "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
  --Jerry Seinfeld

 "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
  --David Letterman

 "I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
  --Bob Saget

 "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
  --Jay Leno

 "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
  --Billiam Coronell

 "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
  --Larry Miller

 "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.
 Now I'll have to kill you too."
  --Jake Johansen

 "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
  --Dick Cavett

 "I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
  --Garry Shandling

 "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
 --Rita Rudner

 "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
  --Lily Tomlin

 "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon  there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here'"
  --Jerry Seinfeld

 "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
  --Lynda Montgomery

 "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
  --Steven Wright

 "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
  --Johnny Carson

 "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read okay?"
  --John Mendoza

 "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
  --Bruce Baum

 "If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
  --Steven Wright

 "I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little  bit?"
  --Garry Shandling

 "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  --Paul Rodriguez

 "My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning."
  --Richard Lewis

 "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
  --Johnathan Katz

 "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
  --Lily Tomlin

 "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
  --Robin Williams

 "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
 --Jerry Seinfeld

 "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
  --Richard Jeni

 "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
  --Steven Wright

 "And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!' "
  --Emo Phillips
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Aphorisms

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's"1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee?
   A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
   -- Richard Harkness, "The New York Times"
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago
   "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
   -- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
   The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
   The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
   The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
    -- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
    -- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
    -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
    -- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668 The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
    -- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
    -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the G-d of the Catholics or the G-d of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
    -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
    -- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
    -- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
    -- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
    -- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
        1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
        2. Advising the President.
        3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. --David Letterman
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I
    embrace your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
    -- Johnny Carson
40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
    -- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
    -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
44. An Animated Cartoon Theology
        1. People are animals.
        2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
        3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
        4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
        5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
        6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
        7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
    -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
46. CalvinPeople think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. HobbesIsn't your pant's zipper supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
    -- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb "If triangles had a G-d, He'd have three sides."
50. Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
    -- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G" If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
    EB "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

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