Politically Correct Santa
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft
Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
Letters To Welfare
Quotes to Remember
Men are Lunatics, Women are Nut
Why Sports Scholarship is an Oxymoron
Night Before Christmas Legally Speaking
it DOES take a Rocket Scientist
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.
(At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer,Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable Uniform Gifts to Minors provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of said task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Or words to that
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Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Lunatics, Women are Nuts.
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II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance
--- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would
absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not
that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Eistein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."
- Albert Einstein
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"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer,
so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
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The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues the Yugo owner. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The Rolls man, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo goes on, "That's great,! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
The Rolls owner, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
"Say," persists the Yugo owner, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset, the Rolls owner sped away, straight to the dealer, and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning he picked up his car, with superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
He immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally the Yugo owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
the Yugo man, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?!"
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The female whale agrees and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore either swimming or in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore-let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the
female whale becomes less cooperative, "Hey!" she says, "I agreed to the
blow job, but there's NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
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"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.
At the end of
the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been.
He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him,
and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exlaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.
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"Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later
he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!"
says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
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so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
-- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
line up alphabetically by height"
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make
sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
-- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I
have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
-- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
-- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
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