harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 1
The Yugo
Alligator Shoes
Learning Disability
Einstein's Chauffeur
Politically Correct Santa
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft
Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
Hats Off
The Saucer
Name Change
Letters To Welfare
Quotes to Remember
Men are Lunatics, Women are Nut
Why Sports Scholarship is an Oxymoron
Night Before Christmas Legally Speaking
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist
 Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.   British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed  trains.

Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

 NASA's response was just one sentence,  "Thaw the chicken."

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at  a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited  to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred  to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts  of the second part  (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.

(At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.  The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:  Dasher, Dancer,Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer").  (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.  He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in  blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the  minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable Uniform Gifts to Minors provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)  Upon completion of said task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Or words to that effect.
 Respectfully Submitted,
 The Grinch
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Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts.
 The Difference;
 Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who  makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

 The Style;
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole  different way of thinking.  A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.  A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

 The Workplace;
 When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

 Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

 Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to  understand her.  To women, love is an occupation.  To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't.  There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let  her have it. Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle;
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 On Men;
 If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

 On Women;
 Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

 Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts.
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SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
 I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the  world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for  Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at  least one good child in each.

 II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7  visits per  second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get  back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

 Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can  run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

 III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming  that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.  On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them  Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting  the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

 IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a  spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer  would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,  they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.  Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.. in .001 seconds, would be  subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which  seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and  reducing him
 to a quivering blob of pink goo.

  V.  Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now
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    Hi. A pair of alligator skin shoes or a nice purse are things that some of us like and want.
But the price!
    An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted  a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst  way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just  go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
    The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will  run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in  the water.  He thought,  "those  must  be the two Marines the guy in town was talking  about."  Just then, the Ranger saw a  tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
    Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't  have any shoes either!"
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Einstein's Chauffeur
         "Imagination is more important than knowledge..."
                                                   - Albert Einstein    ~~~  He's Nobody's Fool!  ~~~

    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.  One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

    "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said.  "I've heard you give this speech so many times.  I'll bet I could give it for you."

    Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

    When they arrive at the dinner, Eistein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room.  The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

    Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

    Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

    "Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."
                                                     - Albert Einstein
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The Saucer
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
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If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft....
Patron:  Waiter!
Waiter:  Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron:  There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter:  Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron:  No, it's still there.
Waiter:  Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron:  Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter:  Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron:  A SOUP bowl!
Waiter:  Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron:  You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter:  Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron:  I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter:  Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron:  You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter:  Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron:  Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter:  The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron:  Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.  I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter:  Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.
Patron:  This is potato soup.
Waiter:  Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron:  Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron:  Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ........ $2.50
Access to support ..................................$1.00
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The Yugo
A guy, driving a Yugo, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

"Cool!" continues the Yugo owner. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The Rolls man, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo goes on, "That's great,! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."

The Rolls owner, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

"Say," persists the Yugo owner, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset, the Rolls owner sped away, straight to the dealer, and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning he picked up his car, with superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...

He immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.

He knocked on the Yugo, and finally the Yugo owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

"Jesus!" complained the Yugo man, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?!"
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Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female whale, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air   through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat right over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees and the plan works perfectly.  Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore either swimming or in lifeboats.

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore-let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative, "Hey!" she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there's NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
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Hats Off!
A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you."

The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse.  Fedora came in first, as well.

At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exlaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.
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For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised in a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
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A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do."  The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.

"Great kid!  Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V."  (This was the early sixties.)  "By the way, what's your name?"

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."

"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.

"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.

"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.

A few months later he returns to the same agent.  "Hey kid!  Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"

With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian.  So I've changed it".

"Great kid, great!  What's your new name?"

"Dick Van Dyke."
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Learning Disability
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

  "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
     -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

  "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
     -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

  "You guys line up alphabetically by height"
     -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

  "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
    -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

  "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
    -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

  "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
    -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

  "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
    -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

  "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra

  "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
   -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

  "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
     -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
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