Remember...these
Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Good
Doggy A butcher is
working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away.
Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and
notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and
it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The
butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar
bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag,
and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since
it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The
dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down
the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently,
bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the
road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and
starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The
dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the
bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks
at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the
dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs
on. The butcher, by now openmouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus
travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves
to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button
to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth,
and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches
a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then
he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no
answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a
narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to
a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back,
jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big
guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at
him.
The butcher runs up
and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius.
He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which
the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!" Back
to top
The
Honeymoon A guy out
on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing
in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says,
"How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee
is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your
penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was
an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the
first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever
touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says,
"And look at this, it's still in the CRATE !" Back
to top Kids A mother was
teaching her 3-year-old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings
at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was
ready to solo. The mother listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "Lead
us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail... Amen." Back
to top Cannibals When do cannibals
leave the table? When everyone's eaten. What is a cannibal's
favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. What do cannibals
eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts. What do cannibals
make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches. What did the
cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder. What is a cannibal's
favorite game? Swallow the leader. Have you heard
about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and leg. Did you hear
about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody
on it. Did you hear
about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher? A man gets captured
by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood
to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and
says, "You can kill
me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks." Back
to top Men
and Women Women Speak
in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone... MATURITY: Women mature
much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HANDWRITING: To their
credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles
and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's".
It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping
you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has
six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items. RESTROOMS Men use
restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social
lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never
in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want
to join me? CATS: Women love
cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house. DRESSING
UP: A woman
will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer
the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings
and funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do
laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, AmericanStyle." WEDDINGS: When reminiscing
about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor
party." MENOPAUSE: When a
woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes
varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and
goes shopping for a Porsche. THE TELEPHONE: Men see
the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short
messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours. PLANTS: A woman
asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters
the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS: Men take
photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art
equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase
Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS: In the
locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They
exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about
one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They
are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. GARAGES: Women use
garages to park their cars and store their lawn mowers. Men use garages
for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. MOVIES: Every actress
in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every
movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor
who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another
reason why men hate him.
TIME: When a
woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials,
or replays. Back
to top
Farm
Life A farmer was
helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son
standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. "Great..." thought
the man, "the boy's four and soon I'm gonna have to explain him the birds
and bees... No need to jump the gun - just let him ask, and I'll
answer." After everything
was over, the man turned to the boy and said, "Well son, do you have any
questions?" "Yeah, dad,"
gasped the little lad. "How fast was the calf going when he hit that cow?" Back
to top AOL
Addiction My
computer broke down. It
crashed and burned! And
for my AOL, I
really yearned! I
tried to stay busy... And
keep it off my mind. It
was worse than cigarettes, at
least butts I can find!! So
I went to Wal-Mart, and
got on their pc. The
cashier in electronics was
staring at me. But
I didn't care. I
had to get on line! Check
my mail, and
see what buddies I can find. I
drew a crowd as
I began to cry. I
couldn't find the password no
matter how hard I tried! I
need my AOL!! I
got to have my fix!! Go
to my favorite places, check
out some cool pics. The
cashier called Security! I
heard her whisper low,
"We have ourselves a Psycho here" and
she has got to go!" Security
rushed over. Not
long did he stall. Obviously
he has never suffered from
AOL withdrawl. He
slapped cuffs on my wrists and
threw me out the door! Then
he looked at me and said,
"Don't come round here no more!" I
feel so embarassed!! I
have sunk so low! To
be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How
low can I go? So
I'll try really hard now to
rid myself of this affliction. Get
rid of these bad habits and
my AOL addiction! Back
to top The
Devil and the Golfer A golfer
is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger
walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless
but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the
putt. Two holes
later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this
hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And
he makes an eagle. Down to
the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though
he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer
says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the
club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really
not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil,
and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice
to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." Back
to top Train
Conductor
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his
new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell
off now cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are
returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now cause we're
going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train,
but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
The mother could only smile thinking her son had learned his lesson. But
then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen." Back
to top Medical
Specialty Humor New Wing! When some
doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a
hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred
no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the
microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought
the administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they
were laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the
idea short-sighted; the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists
said, "Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead
body!"; the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said,
"We are in arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally,
the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists
could see right through it; the internists thought it was a hard pill to
swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the D.O.s thought
they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold
water; the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; the cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to the idea.
Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly! Back
to top Sven
and Ole It was a cold
winter's day in Northern Minnesota. Sven was going for his morning walk
when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale."
This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he decided
to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign
in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All
ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup,
and dey're boat for sale." ****** One day Ole goes
in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena
and me, vell, our sex life just ain't going dat vell." The doctor says,
"Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every
day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So,
a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the
other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole." The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you
been walking ten miles every day?" Ole says, "Yes." The doctor asks,
"And has your sex life improved?" Ole replies, "Well, how da hell
vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay from home!" ****** Lena passed away
and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone
out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At
da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for
me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" ****** Ole was fishing
with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, "Let's
go a bit furder down da stream." So they did and they caught many monstrous
fish. They had their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said,
"Good ting ve mapped out vhere de good fishing is...I marked de spot right
in de middle of de boat, Ole." "You Stupid," said Ole, "How do you
know ve vill get da same boat next time?" ****** Ole and
Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and
Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000
miles away" and he hung up. Lena say's "who was dat Ole?" Ole say's "Hell
if I know, some guy wants ta know if da coast is clear." Back
to top A
Trip To Alaska Six of the seven
dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and
says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets
all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask
him,"
The next day,
they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other
six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey,
ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question
to ask me, young man?"Dopey looks up
shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey
asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well,
yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."The others all
keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the
rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"To which the Pope
replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska,
yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part,
Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more
to your question?"To which Dopey
replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black
nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really
don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey
turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey
screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!" Back
to top
Take
My Wife My wife
and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go
to a nice restaurant to have a little wine and some good food. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays. *** Someone
stole all my credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. The thief spends
less than my wife did. *** I take
my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. *** I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,
"Take me somewhere I have never been!" I told
her, "How about the kitchen?" *** We always
hold hands. If I let
go, she shops. *** My wife
has a black belt in shopping. *** My wife
will buy anything marked down. Last year
she bought an escalator. *** All my
wife does is shop -- once, she was sick for a whole week, and three stores
went out of business. *** She has
an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and I've
no place to sit down!" So what
did I do? I bought her an electric chair. *** My wife
loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. *** My wife
and I went back to the hotel where we spent our weddingnight. Only this
time, I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. *** My wife
drove the wrong way on a one-way street. A cop pulled her over and asked,
"Where do you think you are going?" My wife said, "I
must be late, everyone is coming back!" *** My wife
told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor.
I told her she doesn't know a carburetor from a bed pan, but she insisted
that the car wasn't running well and that there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. *** My wife
and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. She called
it the Dead Sea. *** My wife
is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't
lost weight, but now she can climb a tree! *** She was
at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
only for the estimate. *** She got
a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off. *** She ran
after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No," they
said, "jump in!" *** I came home,
and the car was in the dining room. I asked my wife,"How did you get the
car in here?" "Easy,"
she replied. "I took a left at the kitchen." Back
to top Memory An 80 year old
couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to
their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived
at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were
having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor
tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing
things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked
the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and
his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says,
"Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better
write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember
that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She
replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget
that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't
need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes
into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." Back
to top
Ouch A lady from California
purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one
of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her
land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady
slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried
to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told
her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat
and waited for three hours before
the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well,
I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth
timber from a recreational area." Back
to top Ailment
A man returns from the middle east and is feeling very ill. He goes to
see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to Beth Isreal Hospital in NYC
to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests
and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's
a combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"
"My gosh, Dr. Diamond! What are you going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
