harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 26
New Wing
Good Doggy
 Trip To Alaska
 Train Conductor
Men and Women
 Farm Life
Sven and Ole
AOL Addiction
 Devil and Golfer
 The Honeymoon
  Total Management
 na na na
 Take My Wife
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Good Doggy
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

 The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

 So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus.  The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now openmouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus.  The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door.  He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

 There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

 The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

 To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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The Honeymoon
 A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
 Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.
 He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.
 It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"
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A mother was teaching her 3-year-old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...
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When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
What is a cannibal's favorite game? Swallow the leader.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and leg.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.  Finally the guy calls the chief over and says,
"You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
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Men and Women
 Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone...
 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.  BATHROOMS:
 A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.  RESTROOMS
 Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?  CATS:
 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.  OFFSPRING:
 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.  DRESSING UP:
 A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:  weddings and funerals.
 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, AmericanStyle."  WEDDINGS:
 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."  MENOPAUSE:
 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.  THE TELEPHONE:
 Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.  PLANTS:
 A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.  CAMERAS:
 Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.  LOCKER ROOMS:
 In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.  GARAGES:
 Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawn mowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.  MOVIES:
 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

 When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
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Farm Life
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
"Great..." thought the man, "the boy's four and soon I'm gonna have to explain him the birds and bees...  No need to jump the gun - just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man turned to the boy and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Yeah, dad," gasped the little lad. "How fast was the calf going when he hit that cow?"
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AOL Addiction
           My computer broke down.
           It crashed and burned!
           And for my AOL,
           I really yearned!
           I tried to stay busy...
           And keep it off my mind.
           It was worse than cigarettes,
           at least butts I can find!!
           So I went to Wal-Mart,
           and got on their pc.
           The cashier in electronics
           was staring at me.
           But I didn't care.
           I had to get on line!
           Check my mail,
           and see what buddies I can find.
           I drew a crowd
           as I began to cry.
           I couldn't find the password
           no matter how hard I tried!
           I need my AOL!!
           I got to have my fix!!
           Go to my favorite places,
           check out some cool pics.
           The cashier called Security!
           I heard her whisper low,
           "We have ourselves a Psycho here"
           and she has got to go!"
           Security rushed over.
           Not long did he stall.
           Obviously he has never suffered
           from AOL withdrawl.
           He slapped cuffs on my wrists
           and threw me out the door!
           Then he looked at me and said,
           "Don't come round here no more!"
           I feel so embarassed!!
           I have sunk so low!
           To be kicked out of Wal-Mart....
           How low can I go?
           So I'll try really hard now
           to rid myself of this affliction.
           Get rid of these bad habits
           and my AOL addiction!
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The Devil and the Golfer
  A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
  A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
  Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
  Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.  Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
  The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.  As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
  "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
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Train Conductor
    A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now cause we're going down the tracks!"
     The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
     Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
     She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
     The mother could only smile thinking her son had learned his lesson. But then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Medical Specialty Humor New Wing!
  When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled,  "Over my dead body!"; the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said,  "We are in arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it; the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the D.O.s thought they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water; the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to the idea. Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!
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Sven and Ole
It was a cold winter's day in Northern Minnesota. Sven was going for his morning walk when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life just ain't going dat vell." The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole." The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?" Ole says,  "Yes." The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?" Ole replies,  "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay from home!"
Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick
her up der?"
Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, "Let's go a bit furder down da stream." So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said, "Good ting ve mapped out vhere de good fishing is...I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat, Ole."  "You Stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time?"
 Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up. Lena say's "who was dat Ole?" Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy wants ta know if da coast is clear."
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A Trip To Alaska
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him,"

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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Take My Wife
 My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant to have a little wine and some good food.
 She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
 Someone stole all my credit cards, but I'm not going to report it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
 I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
 She said, "Take me somewhere I have never been!"
 I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
 We always hold hands.
 If I let go, she shops.
 My wife has a black belt in shopping.
 My wife will buy anything marked down.
 Last year she bought an escalator.
 All my wife does is shop -- once, she was sick for a whole week, and three stores went out of business.
 She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and I've no place to sit down!"
 So what did I do? I bought her an electric chair.
 My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
 My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our weddingnight. Only this time, I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
 My wife drove the wrong way on a one-way street. A cop pulled her over and asked, "Where do you think you are going?"    My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is coming back!"
 My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I told her she doesn't know a carburetor from a bed pan, but she insisted that the car wasn't running well and that there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
 My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
 She called it the Dead Sea.
 My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
 She hasn't lost weight, but now she can climb a tree!
 She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
 That was only for the estimate.
 She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
 Then the mud fell off.
 She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
 "No," they said, "jump in!"
I came home, and the car was in the dining room. I asked my wife,"How did you get the car in here?"
 "Easy," she replied. "I took a left at the kitchen."
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.  After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.
    Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"   He replies, "To the kitchen."  She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"  He replies, "Sure."  She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you  can remember it?"  He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top.  You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with  strawberries."  She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice,
he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that."
He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
    In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
    He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
    The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
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    A man returns from the middle east and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to Beth Isreal Hospital in NYC to undergo tests.  The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
    "This is your doctor.  We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.  It's a combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"
    "My gosh, Dr. Diamond!  What are you going to do?"
    "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
    "Will that cure me?"
    "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

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