G-d's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
G-d
would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that
you take a few moments to answer
the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses
will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose
your name or address unless
you prefer a direct response to comments
or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity
Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ G-d 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ G-d 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in
by a false G-d
3. Did your G-d come to you undamaged,
with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you
initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or
inhabit
the entire univers
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable
of being all
things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse
Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen
to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your
decision to acquire a Deity? Please
check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical
sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told
me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity
before? If so, which false G-d were
you fooled by? Please check all that
apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other
source of inspiration in addition to
G-d? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ EST
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. G-d employs a limited degree of divine
intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer?
(circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. G-d also attempts to maintain a balanced
level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1
- 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater
towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of G-d's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered).
The earth provides for every man's need
but not for every man's greed.
---Gandhi
And the cost of a thing is the amount
of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately
or in the long run.
---Thoreau
