harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 22
 Two Dogs
 Two Snakes
Fund Raiser
Ancient ERA
What's it Cost
Easter Bunny
Airline Stories
Sisters of Mercy
 Funny & Puny Puns
Siamese Twins
Actual Business Signs
LA Driver's Application
Odd English Signs
What The Colors Mean
Cross Culture in Action
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Cross Culture in Action from The Wall Street Journal, Monday, April 13, 1998
by Hal Lipper, Staff Reporter of the Wall Street Journal HONG KONG -- When it comes to translating movie titles, not every name will do. So Hong Kong's movie distributors have created a cottage industry to rename Hollywood titles for Chinese audiences. "Major studios think up titles that are flat, boring and don't tell audiences what movies are about," says Doinel Wu, who has spent more than a decade renaming Western movies. "We create titles that are more straightforward."  Hence, the Cantonese title for the film biography "Nixon" is "The Big Liar."  The title for "Boogie Nights" can be interpreted as "His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous."
Since many of Hong Kong residents don't know Fargo is a city in snow-blown North Dakota, the movie "Fargo" became "Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream." The words "snowy cream" are pronounced "fah go" in Cantonese.  The stakes are huge since English-language blockbusters dominate Hong Kong's movie market and Chinese translations help sell the films to a wider audience.  Mr. Wu's title are touted as among the best in the business. For the arty thriller "The Professional," about a killer befriending an orphaned girl, he concocted "This Hit Man Is Not as Cold as He Thought." "The English Patient" was problematic. Few Hong Kong residents knew of the novel and marketers say a faithful translation, like "The Sick Englishman," wouldn't have drawn audiences. Mr. Wu's title, "Don't Ask Me Who I Am," captured the story's mystery and passion. "Good Will Hunting" was equally challenging. Mr. Wu's Chinese title, "Bright Sun, Just Like Me," uses characters to imply more than can be said with words. The first half alludes to the Chinese title for "Dead Poet's Society," ("Bright Sun in Heavy Rain") which also starred Robin Williams and was set at a school. The second half denotes a movie for young people who boldly do what they like. "Titanic" and "Air Force One" needed no translation, distributors decided. But some of the local idioms don't travel well. "The Full Monty," a comedy about six unemployed steelworkers who become strippers, uses a Cantonese colloquialism meaning "Six Stripped Warriors." The Mandarin interpretation is "Six Naked Pigs." And some translations simply defy rationale. The Hong Kong title for "As Good As It Gets," a comedy about a mean-spirited novelist, is "Mr. Cat Poop." Its distributor declined comment.
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Odd Signs from England
 IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
 IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
 IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
 IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
 ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.  (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
 OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
  QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
 NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
 IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
 SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
 SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
 NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
 Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
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Ancient ERA contributed by Sonia Pressman Fuentes
Exhibit One  Zeliophedad (numbers 271),
Who, praise the Lord, five daughters had,
He died, and here's the point that stabs,
His property came up for grabs
No son.  To make the story short,
His daughters took the case to court,
Demanding justice under law,
And what a furor Moses saw
When five young women aimed their sights
And marched demanding equal rights.
Then Moses went before the Lord,
Who told him girls can't be ignored,
They won, despite some dirty looks,
The oldest lawsuit on the books!
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
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Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He  held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right.  Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed.  "Why else would I poison you?"
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Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down  a deserted stretch of highway,  when he notices a sign out of the corner  of his eye.  It  reads  SISTERS  OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION---10  MILES.   He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought .

Soon, he sees another sign  that says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES and he realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION- NEXT RIGHT,  his curiosity gets the best of  him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next  to the door  reading SISTERS OF MERCY.  He climbs the steps and rings the bell.  The door is answered by a nun  in a long black habit, who asks,  "May I  help you, my son?"  He answers, "I  saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."  "Very well, my son.  Please  follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and  is soon quite disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,   "Please knock on this door".

He  does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.  This nun instructs,  "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.  He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.  As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing  another small sign

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The Importance of Punctuation
   The kindergarten class had a homework assignment, to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time.

   She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a little bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

   Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

   "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said, but what is so exciting about a period."

    "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.
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Funny and Puny Puns
 On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."
  On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
  On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
  Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
  At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
  At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
  On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
  On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
  At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
  In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
  On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
  On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
  At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
  Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
  At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
 In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
 On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
 In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
 In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
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Two Snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other,  "Are we poisonous snakes?"  The other replied, "Yes, we are!  We're rattlesnakes.  Why do you ask?"  To which the first replied, "I just bit my tongue."
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Why did the Orange stop at the top of the hill?   It ran out of juice...
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Siamese twins
Why did the Siamese twins go to England?   So the other one could have a chance to drive.
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Q.  What do you get when you cross a Godfather with a lawyer?
A.  An offer you can't understand.
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It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
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Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?  If had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush!
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Two Dogs
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.  One said to the other, "The thing I hate about obedience school is...you learn ALL this stuff you'll never use in the real world!"
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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.  She approached one of the women for an explanation.  "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
 The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."
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Fund Raiser
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
     "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
     The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
     Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
    "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
     The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was cut off.
     "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
     The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea...."
     The lawyer cut him off once again and said, "Well, if I don't give any money to them, then why should I give any to you?!"
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  1.  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  2.  Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  3.  Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  4.  Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  5.  Is it possible to be totally partial?
  6.  What's another word for thesaurus?
  7.  If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  8.  If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  9.  When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  10.  If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  11.  If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  12.  If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  13.  If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  14.  When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  15.  Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  16.  Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  17.  What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  18.  Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  19.  Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  20.  If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  21.  If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?
  22.  Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still  grow?  Only to be troubled and insecure?
  23.  Is there another word for synonym?
  24.  Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  25.  When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  26.  When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  27.  Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  28.  Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
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What's it Cost
    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules
   "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
   He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"
   At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired
   "How much for a season pass?"
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What The Colors Mean
   Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
   "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
   The child thought about this for a moment, then said,  "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Actual Business Signs
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