Napoleon Late one night
at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said,
"How do you know?" The first inmate
said, "God told me!" Just then, a
voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!" Top
of Page The
Couple and the Turkey There was an
old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years.
The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of
breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would
always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as
she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead
with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't
help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done
but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural
bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave
the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
out".
The years went
by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore
her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She
fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was
taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how
she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face,
she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's
jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's
underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs
to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her
husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed
by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself
and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After
years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained
underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from
laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". What do you mean?"
asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace
of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." Top
of Page
Garbage
Disposal Two city
gals attending college rented a country cabin from a farmer for the summer.
When they asked the farmer what he did with his garbage, he told them that
he fed it to his pigs. So, they proceeded to buy a small porker for the
reasonable price of $25. When the summer ended, the two girls wanted to
sell the pig before they went back to school. Since it had done its job
well, they went to the farmer to see if he was interested. "How much do
you want for it?" the farmer asked. One of the girls replied, "Well,
we bought the pig new for $25 and now it's used -- so you can have it for
$15." Top
of Page Payment
Plan The patient
shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of
friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like for
you to know that I have mentioned you in my will." "That is very
kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." Top
of Page Top
Ten most Ironic Celebrity Deaths 10) Ellen
DeGeneres-- Suffocates in the closet 9) Susan
Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy 8) Jenny
McCarthy--Struck by a random thought 7) Frank
Sinatra--Killed by Strangers in the Night 6) RuPaul--Prostate
cancer 5) O.J.
Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide 4) Madonna--Exposure 3) Unabomber--Mail
bomb returned due to "insufficient postage" 2) Al Gore--Dutch
Elm Disease and the
*Predicted* NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS: 1) Bill
Gates--Falls out of a Window Top
of Page Sex
Education BIRDS AND THE
BEES My mother told
my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney
Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said,
"Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same
thing." --George Burns
NO HOMEWORK A unit in sex
education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission
slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the
teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
Sex Education "Mom, I'm pregnant." "How can that
be? What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should
take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the
biggest."
Sex Education "Sex education
has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to
me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to
flunk her or give her extra credit." Top
of Page
Speeder A couple
is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The cop walks
up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five." The guy says,
"You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time, and then the last
few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and I wasn't watching..." His wife says,
"That's not true. You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time." He turns
to her and says, "Shut the fuck up." The cop says,
"And I notice you haven't got your seat belt buckled." He says,
"Well, officer, I knew I had to show you my license, so I unbuckled my
seat belt so I could get out my wallet." His wife says,
"That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time. "He turns to
her and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up." The cop walks
around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll down the window.
He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?" She says, "Only
when he's drunk." Top
of Page Suspect A man suspected
his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable
sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she get
on train. I follow. He and she go
in hotel. I climb tree--look
in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with
she. She play with
he. I play with me. Fall out of tree,
not see. NO FEE. Top
of Page
Smithsonian The story behind
the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott
Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds
to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting
that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does
this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian
Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in
your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing!
Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania
Avenue Washington, DC
20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given
this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof
of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll,
of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes
to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain
that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were
loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic.
Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial
capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below
the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids. 3. The dentition
pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated
dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate
roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding
is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in
your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather
heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed
on. B. Clams don't
have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny
your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to
the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due
to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly,
we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific
name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought
tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately
voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and
didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your
generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it
is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting
example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own
office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to
the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport
back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that
you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on
your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous
metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus
rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities Top
of Page
Little
Boys A couple had
two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two
boys were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured
that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were
in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to
do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in
town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked
her husband if he thought that they should send the boys to speak to the
clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something
before something really bad happens."
The clergyman
agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The
8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy
down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman
repeated the question in a stern tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made
no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook
his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from
the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet.
His older
brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger
brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! God is missing and they
think we did it!" Top
of Page
WAL-MART A woman goes
into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart
"associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can
you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind
but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need
to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him,
but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod
with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod
and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can
tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.. I think
it' s what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind
the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first
she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell
it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around. He rings up the
sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it
was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck
call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50." Top
of Page
Protestant Sister Catherine
was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want
to be when they grow up. Little Sheila
said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's
eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" "A prostitute!"
Sheila exclaimed. Sister Catherine
breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you
said 'A protestant'!" Top
of Page Vasectomy After having
their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that enough was enough. They
could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor,
who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told
him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10.
The redneck said
to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple
drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell
them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly
backwards these people were. This Doctor instead told the man to go home
and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his
ear and count to 10.
Figuring that
both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry
bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began
to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. Top
of Page
COBOL There was once
a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story,
we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated
as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server
programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect.
He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling
all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and
even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years
of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had
problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000.
It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him
nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all
he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that
came with it.
Jack decided to
contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have
himself
frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally
automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up
in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles;
after the leap day.
Nothing else to
worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic
receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections
to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing
that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited
people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle"
and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment
that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was
obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain
his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all
the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of
the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant.
It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the
spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone
important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized
projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like
Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be
upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world
peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated
and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced
to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed
them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment,
or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific,"
said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner,
and it says in your files that you know COBOL." Top
of Page
Bubba
and Earl I'm not sure
but I think the first two guys mentioned in these jokes were wheat farmers
from Kansas. Two rednecks,
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles
of Bud. Bubba, the passenger,
said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna
get busted fer drinking these here beers!!" "Don't worry,
Bubba, We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the
label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?",
asked Bubba. "Just let me
do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished
their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label
on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You
boys been drinkin?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch". Top
of Page JUST
WHAT WE NEED IN HEAVEN.... One day, a teacher,
a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter is
there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they
get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get
into Heaven: They each will have to answer a single question. To the teacher,
he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and
sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks
for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?".
St. Peter lets him through the gate. Next, St. Peter
turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need
all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the
question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man
guesses: "1228", to which St. Peter says "That happens to be right. Go
ahead." St. Peter then
turns to the Lawyer: "Name them. Top
of Page Set
it Free If you love something,
set it free. If it comes back,
it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns,
it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits
in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,
takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the
first place, you either married it or gave birth to it! Top
of Page Steering A Japanese company
and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri river.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before
the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards,
the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat
had to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management
was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible
amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering
the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to
the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was
completely reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents
and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented
a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
"We must give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality
program." The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated,
the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted
development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance
Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses
to the senior executives.
