harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 12
Little Boys
 Set it Free
Payment Plan
Sex Education
Bubba and Earl
Bumper Stickers
Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
Just What we Need in Heaven
The Couple and the Turkey
Garbage Disposal
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
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The Couple and the Turkey
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.  Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.  While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of  frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally
gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
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Garbage Disposal
 Two city gals attending college rented a country cabin from a farmer for the summer. When they asked the farmer what he did with his garbage, he told them that he fed it to his pigs. So, they proceeded to buy a small porker for the reasonable price of $25. When the summer ended, the two girls wanted to sell the pig before they went back to school. Since it had done its job well, they went to the farmer to see if he was interested. "How much do you want for it?"  the farmer asked. One of the girls replied, "Well, we bought the pig new for $25 and now it's used -- so you can have it for $15."
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Payment Plan
 The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."  "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
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Top Ten most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
 10) Ellen DeGeneres-- Suffocates in the closet
 9) Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
 8) Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought
 7) Frank Sinatra--Killed by Strangers in the Night
 6) RuPaul--Prostate cancer
 5) O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
 4) Madonna--Exposure
 3) Unabomber--Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
 2) Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease
 1) Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window
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Sex Education
My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, "Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing." --George Burns

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

Sex Education
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."

Sex Education
"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."
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 A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.
The cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."
The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time, and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and I wasn't watching..."
His wife says, "That's not true. You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time."
 He turns to her and says, "Shut the fuck up."
The cop says, "And I notice you haven't got your seat belt buckled."
 He says, "Well, officer, I knew I had to show you my license, so I unbuckled my seat belt so I could get out my wallet."
His wife says, "That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time.
"He turns to her and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up."
The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll down the window. He says,  "Does he always talk to you like that?"
She says, "Only when he's drunk."
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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree--look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
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The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing!

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities
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Little Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two boys were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought that they should send the boys to speak to the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before something really bad happens."

 The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first.  The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in a stern tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet.

 His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".  She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.. I think it' s what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."
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Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God!
I thought you said 'A protestant'!"
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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that enough was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This Doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.

Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get
excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"   "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."
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Bubba and Earl
I'm not sure but I think the first two guys mentioned in these jokes were wheat farmers from Kansas.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
Bubba, the passenger, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinking these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba, We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin?"  "No, sir", said Earl.  "We're on the patch".
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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.
St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: They each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228", to which St. Peter says "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer: "Name them.
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Set it Free
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
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A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri river.  Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.   On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.  The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.  A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed.  They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.  Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.  So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money.  They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.  To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was completely reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.  They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.  It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.  "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."   The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.  Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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