The ritual serves as an important part of the mourning and healing process.

The ceremony will be brief.  A dear friend, Bernie Brafman, will conduct the services. Selected psalms will  be read, a few words of eulogy by his two sons, and the headstone will be unveiled.  Kaddish and El Maiei Rachamim are recited.

We will leave a pebble on the "denkmol" (monument), which will serve as a visible sign that members of our "mishpoche" came to visit and remember.

Paul died of pancreatic cancer.  (The Yiddish word for cancer is "der rak.")

I recently had the pleasure of reading Dr. Abraham J. Twerski's wonderful book titled, "Happiness and the Human Spirit - The Spirituality of Becoming the Best You Can Be" (Jewish Lights Publishing, $19.99).

In the chapter titled, "Compassionate Marriage," he writes,

Although not a physician, my father had an extensive knowledge of medicine.  As a rabbi, he made daily visits to hospitalized patients, and over the years of discussing their cases with the doctors, he acquired a fair amount of medical information.  When he developed cancer of the pancreas with involvement of the liver, he said to me: "Chemotherapy doesn't do anything for pancreatic cancer, does it?"

I replied that it did not.

"Then there is no point in suffering all the side effects of chemotherapy if it cannot do any good, is there?"

I had to agree that he was right, and I concurred with his decision not to have chemotherapy.

However, the doctor told my mother, "There's not much we can do for the rabbi. At best, chemotherapy can get us three more months."

My mother told my father, "Three months? Why, it would be worth it for even three days!  Every single day is precious!"  She insisted, in no uncertain terms, that he undergo chemotherapy.

After my mother left the room, my father said to me, "I'm sorry that the doctor gave Mother the wrong information.  I know that it will not extend my life for three months.  But if I refuse chemotherapy, then when I die, Mother will say, 'Why didn't I insist on it?  If I had insisted on it, he would still be alive.' and she will feel guilty for not insisting.  I don't want her to feel guilty.  So I will take chemotherapy."

My father paused, then added, "I've done many things for Mother during our fifty-two years.  This gives me a chance to do one last thing."

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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe agrees with Dr. Abraham J. Twerski:  "True love is consideration for another person and doing the utmost to make the other person happier."