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My "dokter" says it's a severe case of "Internet Addiction." This "shrayber" (writer) never knew that people could become addicted to the Internet. I always thought that I was integrating the f2f (face to face) and cyberspace worlds.
At my Yiddish club I talk about my online life with the real world family and friends I also "shmooz"/"shmues" about the online friends I meet through "Der Bay - The International Anglo-Yiddish Newsletter." I learn--and forward--Philip "Fishl" Kutner's tongue twister: "Fishl frest gefilte fish in a shisl."
My refrigerator contains a cartoon showing a husband and wife sitting in the living room. The husband is using his laptop computer; the dog is watching. The husband says to his wife: "Do I need to remind you that I have a huge Internet following?"
Many websites offer the Top 10--or 20--Signs You're Addicted to the Net. Here's the Yiddish version:
TOP "TSVANTSIK" SIGNS THAT YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE WEB
20. You check with Stephen Colbert (Colbertreport.com) daily to stay up-to-date with news on the "Eliot Mess"
19. When your wife finds out that she is "shvanger" (pregnant), you check "Jewishnomen.com" for a list of odd
names. Ex. "Yaakov Yahoo"
18. You need a dress for a family Bar Mitzvah and check online: "www.funkyfrum.com" and "Fapitz'd.com"--a Westbury, NY, store
17. You've been transferred from Chicago to Brooklyn; you check the online real-estate listing named "Walk2Shul.com."
16. You're feeling phlegmy and rheumy; you immediately place an order with "grandmaschickensoup.com"
15. The lettering on the keys "h," "k," "t," "n, and "y" on your keyboard has been worn away to nothing, but that doesn't matter because you can type "hakn a tshaynik" with your eyes closed anyway.
14. You start introducing ourself as MALKA@webtv.net
13. Your wife drapes a "shaytl" (wig) over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like
12. You tell the cab driver you live at http://19.market.drive/house/grintrim.html.
11. You start tilting your "kop" sideways whenever you smile.
10. As your "motosikel" crashes through the
guardrail on a mountain road, your first
instinct is to search for the
"back" button
9. A "fraynd" stops to see you since your phone has been busy...for a "yor" (year)
8. All of your "mishpoche" and friends have
an @ in their names. Ex. "music@gotborscht.com"
"Ediemensch@aol.com"
7. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." You check it again.
6. You tell MIchael D. Fein at "GantsehMegillah.com" that the current meaning of "shmendrik" is a bumbling fool. Think of FEMA's performance in New Orleans and you got it!
5. You finally open the curtains and discover that the other side of "di gas" (the street) has been bulldozed and turned into a theme park/stripmall/ SuperSol market, ......
4. You're convinced that nothing ever happens on "Shabes/Shabbos" or "Zuntik."
3. Before hiring a hardener, you get a price quotation from "Thelawnranger.com." You then e-mail the following story to all of you friends: According to The Big Green Jewish Website, "A friend once joked about the world's shortest running radio programme, "Jewish Gardeners' QuestionTime." Just one person phoned in to ask, "How much should I pay my gardener?" Jews and nature don't always seem to be natural partners. In general, we prefer the city to the country. We are not renowned for our love of camping. Given a common garden plant or shrub, the chance of a synagogue of Jews identifying it is close to zero.
2. With "gazolin" prices at $3.50 a gallon, you e-mail your pizza orders to "Saraskosherpizza.com" or "Mamaleahspizza.com."
1. You're feeling mentally "dershlogn" (depressed), and get online with Dr. Sydney Barbara Metrick, of "chickensoupcounseling.com."
Her website says: "Chicken soup is a symbol for healing and wellness. When I was younger, I could always count on my grandmother to make a big pot of steaming chicken soup whenever I was sick. Her soup was rich and thick with chicken, carrots, onions, garlic, and noodles. In my work as a therapist, I combine lots of good nurturing things to help you as you deal with important life transitions. I offer you a wide range of creative and therapeutic skills to help you achieve wellness and balance."
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