|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests.
She said no, and the executioner shouted....Ready...Aim...... and suddenly the redhead yelled..... "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now,
the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner
asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted
....Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
top
of page
Q: What goes:
"Vroom." "Screech." "Vroom." "Screech." "Vroom." "Screech."
A: A Blonde at
a blinking red light.
Q: How do you
make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight
in her ear.
Q: Why should
blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too
long to retrain them.
Q: How can you
tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out
on the screen.
Q: How can you
tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing
on the white-out.
Q: Why don't blondes
eat Jello?
A: They can't
figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What does a
blonde say when the Doctor tells her she is pregnant?
A: Is it mine?
Q: What do you
call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde
brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you
call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why do blondes
wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's
where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes
wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything
that goes over their heads.
Q:
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A:
She was throwing away too many W's.
Q:
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A:
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q:
What did the blonde get on her college entrance exam?
A:
Nail polish.
Q:
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A:
Spot.
Q:
What's it called when one blonde blows in another one's ear?
A:
Data transfer.
Q:
What did the blonde say to the buxom waitress after reading her nametag?
A:
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q:
Did you hear about the blondes that were found frozen to death in their
car at a drive-in?
A:
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q:
Why won't they hire any blondes as a pharmacist?
A:
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: What
do blondes and cow pies have in common
A: The
older they get the easier they are to pick up.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked
at him and indignantly replied, "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning."
top
of page
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
top
of page
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down.
"Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.
Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A blonde woman
competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke
division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first,
the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want
to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
top
of page
St. Peter asks the firsts blonde, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy. It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful....."
"Wrong" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question.
"What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by large boulder."
St. Peter, very impressed and excited then asks, "That's correct. What happens next?"
The blonde replies,
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and
if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
top
of page
A little bit later
a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much
for the white one?"
He: "$35 for
the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I
think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him,
and off she goes.
About an hour
later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for
the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how
much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's
a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for
a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid
one before...."
She pays him,
and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's
boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the
saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black
dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
top
of page
The lawyer asks
the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar
bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks
the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem
and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After
over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her$50.The blonde politely
takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more
than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without
a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
top
of page
The flight attendant
watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells
the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the
back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes
back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for
Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and
I'm staying right
here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says,
"I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she
gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy
section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First
Class wasn't going to London."
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed.
"I almost got caught yesterday!!"
