In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
Two West German motorists
had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small
town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the
center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out
of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized
with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
In a classic case of
one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received
jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979
after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another
while they stood waiting for a train.
Hitting on the novel
idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare,
Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had
hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a
disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her
arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.
This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily,
Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
An unidentified English
woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub
one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven.
Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard
a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would
come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't
answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments
later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification,
the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from
the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I
was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
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The accident occurred
mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning
I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out
to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action
I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to
my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects
she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with
her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues
tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was
too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they
had only known.
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ARGUMENT
(ar*gyou*ment)n.
A
discussion that occurs when you're right,
but
he just hasn't realized it yet.
AIRHEAD
(er*hed)n.
What
a woman intentionally becomes
when
pulled over by a policeman.
BAR-BE-QUE
(bar*bi*q)n.
You
bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped
the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated
the meat and cleaned everything up,
but,
HE, "made the dinner."
BLONDE
JOKES (blond joks)n.
Jokes
that are short
so
men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE
(kant*e*lope)n.
Gotta
get married
in
a church.
CLOTHES
DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n.
An
appliance designed
to
eat socks.
DIET
SODA (dy*it so*da)n.
A
drink you buy at a convenience store
to
go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY
(e*ter*ni*tee)n.
The
last two minutes
of
a football game.
EXERCISE
(ex*er*siz)v.
To
walk up and down a mall,
occasionally
resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY
LIST (grow*ser*ee list)n.
What
you spend half an hour writing,
then
forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR
DRESSER (hare dres*er)n.
Someone
who is able to create a style
you
will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician."
HARDWARE
STORE (hard*war stor)n.
Similar
to a black hole in space-
if
he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH
(child*brth)n.
You
get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
he
gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,...breathe...push..."
LIPSTICK
(lip*stik)n.
On
your lips, color to enhance
the
beauty of your mouth.
On
his collar, color
only
a tramp would wear...!
PARK
(park)v./n.
Before
children, a verb meaning,
"to
go somewhere and neck."
After
children, a noun meaning
a
place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE
(pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient
for
dating, marriage and children.
See
also "Tranquilizers."
WATERPROOF
MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah)n.
Comes
off if you cry, shower, or swim,
but
will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S
DAY (val*en*tinez dae)n.
A
day when you have dreams
of
a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance,
but
consider yourself lucky
to
get a card.
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LESSON #2
A turkey was chatting
with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed
the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you
nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fortnights,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story is: Bullshit
might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's
arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
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How To Shower Like
A Man:
