Jokes
19
Ears
Remember...these Jokes
are only old if you've heard them before...
Creation
And lo, there was darkness upon
the face of the universe and the fabric of space was
a void.
And God created the heavens and
the earth. But it remained dark.
And God said, "Let there be light!".
And there was
light.
And all around the heavens and
earth was a glorious sparkling glow.
And God said, "Hmmm. Could I
see the dark one again please?"
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Lone
Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked
into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall
cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger
stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone
Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about
dead outside." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver
was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse
water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
create enough of a breeze to make him start to
feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure,
Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else
but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his
drink.
A few minutes later, another
cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big
white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's
wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye
and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
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Doctor
is checking out three old guys suspected of being senile.
Doctor: "What's
3 times 3?"
1st Man: "106"
Doctor: to second
man: "What's 3 times 3?"
2nd Man: "Tuesday"
Doctor: to third
man: "What's 3 times 3?"
3rd Man: "9"
Doctor: "Very good! How'd you
get that?"
3rd Man: "Easy, I just subtracted
Tuesday from 106."
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Medical
Terms
Terminal illness -- Getting sick
at the airport
Cardiology Advance -- study of
poker playing
Cauterize -- To make eye contact
with a woman
Pharmacist -- A person who makes
living in agriculture
G.I. Series -- A baseball game
between teams of soldiers
Charlie Horse -- A 10 to 1 long
shot in the Kentucky Derby
Benign -- What you are after
you be eight and before you be ten
Cardiac arrest -- Taken into
custody after stealing a coupe deville
Scalpel -- What you stand on
to clean windows in high rise buildings
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Chemistry
Set
Little Johnny
took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he
stayed all afternoon
mixing various
liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded
by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. "Why are you hammering a nail
into the wall?" asked the dad.
"It's not
a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with
my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the
worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked
the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give
me the test tube with your special
chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So Little Johnny handed the
test tube over.. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand
new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway.
He then asked his dad about the car.
"Oh," said the
father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."
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Headlines
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Takes Over
Iraqi Head Seeks
Arms
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
Probe Told
Miners Refuse
to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18
Years at Checkout Counter
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last a While
Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
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Linguistics
Professor
A linguistics professor was lecturing
to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a
positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still
a negative. However," he
pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah.
Right."
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Microsoft
Vs GM
At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto
industry and stated; "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed
this comment by releasing the following statements....
1. Yes, but would you want your
car to crash twice a day?"
2. Every time they repainted
the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would
die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this; restart and
drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a
maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall
the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept
this too.
5. You could only have one person
in the car at a time; unless, you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would
have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car
that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
7. The Macintosh car owners would
get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run
much slower.
8. The oil, gas and alternator
warning lights would be replaced by a single, "general fault",
warning light.
9. New seats would force everyone
to have the same size butts.
10. The airbag
system would say, "are you sure?", before going off.
11. If you were involved in a
crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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Ears
Steve
was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped
off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the
company for a rather large sum of money and went on
his way.
One day, Steve
decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks
of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted
line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly
set out to hire someone who could
do that for him.
The
next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew
everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview,
Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have
no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The
second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different
about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset
and tossed her out.
The third
and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young
man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was
anxious, but went ahead and asked the
young man the
same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And to his
surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Steve
was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world
did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically
and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no damn ears!"
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Men
Jokes
Men are like
department stores...
Their clothes should always be
half off.
Men are like
vacations...
They never seem
to be long enough.
Men are like
computers...
Hard to figure out and never
enough memory.
Men are like
coolers...
Load them up with beer and you
can take them anywhere.
Men are like
chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth and they usually
head straight for your hips.
Men are like
coffee...
The best ones are rich, warm
and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like
horoscopes...
They always tell you what to
do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like
plungers...
They spend most of their lives
in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like
cement...
After getting laid, they take
a long time to get hard.
Men are like
snowstorms...
You never know when they are
coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will
last.
How are men and parking places
alike?
The good ones are usually gone
and what's left are handicapped.
Why is it hard for women to find
sensitive, caring and good looking men?
Because those men already have
boyfriends.
Why can't men
get mad cow disease?
Because they
are all pigs.
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Farmer
A watermelon farmer was determined
to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every nightly
to eat their fill of his crop. After some thought,
he made a sign that said "WARNING!! ONE OF THE WATERMELONS IN THIS FIELD HAS
BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE."
He smiled smugly as he watched
the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. A week later,
the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were
missing, but a sign next to his read NOW THERE ARE
TWO!
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Rollo
Paul got off
the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.
She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone
had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful
tricks. He rolls over, shakes
hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll
jump through."
The dog followed
Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms
and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date
walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog
you've ever seen ?
"To
tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to
me."
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Forgot
Something
A woman was walking down
the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging
out.
A cop was approaching from about
a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like
that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent
that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with
the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware
that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman
asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your
right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked
down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on
the bus!"
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Five
reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data,
but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to
help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem.
3. As soon as you commit
to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained
a better model.
4. In order to get their
attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock
them out for the rest of the day
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Food
For Thought
As you are aware, ships
have long been characterized as being female e.g.,
Steady
as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"
Recently, a group of
computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be
referred to as being female. Their reasons this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers
are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands
their internal logic.
2. The native language they use
to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or
file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes
are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment
to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for
it.
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Jock
College Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3
WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in
France?
2. Give a dissertation on
the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture,
literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare
to
(a) build
a bridge
(b) sail
the ocean
(c) lead
an army or
(d) WRITE
A PLAY
4. What religion
is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only
one)
5. Metric conversion. How
many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the
big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was
Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's
far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and
Clinton
10. Six kings of England have
been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous
five.
11. Where does
rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the
sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's
Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers
used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner
is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers
Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK
LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement
in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America
produces the most oranges?
(a) New
York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you
have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National
Broadcasting Corp) stand for?
20. The Cornell University
tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still
waiting.
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The
English Language
Multi-national personnel at North
Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy
language... until they tried topronounce it. To help them discard an array of
accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd
prefer six
months at hard labor to reading
six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature
in creation,
Study English
pronunciation.
I will teach
you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse,
and worse.
I will keep you,
Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow
dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will
tear.
So shall I! Oh
hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard,
and heard,
Dies and diet,
lord and word,
Sword and sward,
retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter,
how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague
you
With such words as plaque and
ague.
But be careful
how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak
and streak;
Cloven, oven,
how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem,
and toe.
Hear me say, devoid
of trickery,
Daughter, laughter,
and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles,
topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes,
and reviles;
Scholar, vicar,
and cigar,
Solar, mica,
war and far;
One, anemone,
Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen,
laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German,
wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene,
mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with
ballet,
Bouquet, wallet,
mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like
food,
Nor is mould like should and
would.
Viscous, viscount,
load and broad,
Toward, to forward,
to reward.
And your pronunciation's
OK
When you correctly
say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and
sieve,
Friend and fiend,
alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous;
clamour
And enamour rhyme
with hammer.
River, rival,
tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll
and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with
anger,
Neither does
devour with clangour.
Souls but foul,
haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand,
and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first
say finger,
And then singer,
ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge
and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and
age.
Query does not rhyme with
very,
Nor does fury
sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth,
loth.
Job, nob, bosom,
transom, oath.
Though the differences
seem little,
We say actual
but victual.
Refer does not
rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does,
and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate
and sedate;
Dull, bull, and
George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic,
Pacific,
Science, conscience,
scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and
heaven,
Rachel, ache,
moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed,
but allowed,
People, leopard,
towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences,
moreover,
Between mover,
cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches,
wise, precise,
Chalice, but
police and lice;
Camel, constable,
unstable,
Principle, disciple,
label.
Petal, panel,
and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait,
promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise,
chaos, chair,
Senator,
spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour,
four.
Gas, alas,
and Arkansas.
Sea, idea,
Korea, area,
Psalm,
Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern,
cleanse and clean.
Doctrine,
turpentine, marine.
Compare
alien with Italian,
Dandelion
and battalion.
Sally with
ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey,
and key.
Say aver,
but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein,
deceiver.
Heron,
granary, canary.
Crevice and device and
aerie.
Face, but preface, not
efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass,
glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin,
give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour,
scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear
and tear
Do not rhyme with here
but ere.
Seven is right, but so
is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew
Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and
jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork
and work.
Pronunciation -- think
of Psyche!
Is a paling
stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose
your wits,
Writing groats and saying
grits?
It's a
dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed,
solace, gunwale,
Islington
and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and
indict.
Finally, which rhymes
with enough --
Though, through, plough,
or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound
of cup.
My advice
is to give up!!!
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Abbott
and Costello meet Windows 95
Costello:
Hey, Abbott!
Abbott:
Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got
my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou.
What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium
II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X
CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific,
Lou.
Costello: But I don't
know what any of it means!!
Abbott:
You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly
why I am here to see you.
Abbott:
Oh?
Costello: I heard that
you are a real computer expert.
Abbott:
Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee.
You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott:
Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And
I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What
do want to know?
Costello: I am having
no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how
you turn it off.
Abbott:
That's true.
Costello: So, here I
am working on my new computer and I want to
turn it off. What do I
do?
Abbott: Well, first you
press the Start button, and then -
Costello: No, I told
you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press
the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second.
I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell
me what to do.
Abbott:
I did.
Costello:
When?
Abbott: When I told
you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I
press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off
the computer.
Costello: I press Start
to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't
actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So
what do I press.
Abbott:
Start
Costello:
Start what?
Abbott:
Start button.
Costello: Start button
to do what?
Abbott:
Shut down.
Costello: You don't have
to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no!
That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what
you mean.
Abbott: To shut down
the computer, press-
Costello:
Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do
you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want
to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the Stop button, the End button
and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start
to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what
you do.
Costello: And you probably
Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott:
Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous?
Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you
talking about?
Costello: I am starting
this conversation right now. Good-bye.
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NUTS
An institution
for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The
director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't
be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group
arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem,
the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National
Anthem was over, the
director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the
inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director
yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like
normal fans.
Things
were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a
beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally
located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
"Everything
was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled,
'Peanuts'!"
