| 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!) 3. OK.... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. B aptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . They're cramming for their final exam. 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'? |
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one? “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went bonkers. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? OK … so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it? |
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? |
