Things
never to say to a Man with a Small Penis 1. I've smoked fatter joints
than that. 2. Ahh, it's
cute. 3. Stop fingering me and fuck
me. 4. I'm sorry. 5. Who circumcised
you? 6. Why don't
we just cuddle? 7. You know they have surgery
to fix that. 8. It's more fun to look
at. 9. Make it dance. 10. You know, there's a tower
in Italy like that. 11. Can I paint a smiley face
on that? 12. It looks
like a nightcrawler. 13. Wow, and your feet are so
big. 14. My last boyfriend was
4" bigger. 15. It's OK, we'll work around
it. 16. Is this a mild or a spicy
Slim Jim? 17. Eww, there's an inch worm
on your thigh. 18. Will it squeak if I squeeze
it? 19. Oh no, a
flash headache. 20. (giggle and
point) 21. Can I be honest with
you? 22. My 8-year-old brother has
one like that. 23. Let me go
get my tweezers. 24. How sweet, you brought
incense. 25. This explains your
car. 26. You must be a growing
boy. 27. Maybe if we water it, it'll
grow. 28. Thanks, I needed a
toothpick. 29. Are you one of those
pygmies? 30. Have you ever thought of
working in a sideshow? 31. Ever hear
of Clearasil? 32. All right, a treasure
hunt! 33. I didn't know they came that
small. 34. Why is God punishing
you? 35. At least this won'tt take
long. 36. Let's just stick with your
hand. 37. Do you need a splint to prop
that up. 38. How interesting. 39. I never saw one like that
before. 40. What do you
call this? 41. But it still works
right? 42. Damn I hate
baby-sitting. 43. It looks
so unused. 44. Do you take
steroids? 45. I hear excessive masturbation
shrinks your dick. 46. Maybe it looks better in
natural light. 47. I think there's a dildo around
here somewhere. 48. Why don't we skip right to
the cigarettes? 49. Let me know when you're
done. 50. Oh, I didn't know you were
in an accident. 51. Did you date Lorena
Bobbitt? 52. Aww, it's
hiding. 53. Are you cold? 54. If you get me real drunk
first. 55. Is that an optical
illusion? 56. What is that? 57. Does thiis run in your
family? 58. I'll go get the ketchup for
your French fry. 59. Were you
neutered? 60. It's a good thing you have
so many other talents. 61. Does it come with an air
pump? 62. So this is why you're supposed
to judge people on personality. 63. Where are the puppet
strings? 64. Look, it all fits in my mouth
at once. 65. Deep throat??? 66. Your big gun is more like
a BB gun. 67. Can you get this pencil out
of me now? 68. Do I hang my hat on
it? 69. Look, it fits my Barbie
clothes! 70. Don't hold
back. 71. Nevermind,
why bother. Top
of Page SOUND
DIRTY IN LAW TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY
IN LAW BUT AREN'T: 10. Have you looked through her
briefs? 9. He is one
hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in
chambers. 7. His attorney withdrew at the
last minute. 6. Is it a penal
offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs
on. 4. For $200.00/hr., she better
be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his
suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest
one he could. 1. Think you can get me
off? Top
of Page The
Affair A woman is in bed with
her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for
hours--wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite love. Afterwards, they're
just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the
other.
The telephone rings
and , because it's the woman's house' she reaches over and picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side
of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hello? Oh, hi! So
glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.
Sounds terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone
and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that
was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing
trip with you." Top of Page
The
Rabbi's Daughter An old Rabbi has a spinster daughter
and, since she is well over forty not too clever and ugly, there is not much
hope that she ever gets married. One afternoon, he comes in her bedroom
and finds her masturbating with a vibrator. He is appalled and starts screaming
at her: "how could you do this to me, I raised you like a good kosher girl, you
are the shame
of my life, etc..". The daughter starts crying and
tells her dad she is sorry he came in, but look, Dad, I am over 40 and have given
up hoping I'd ever get any man interested in me, so that's all I found...You
probably hate me now...and she goes on
crying. The old rabbi tells her to stop
crying, after all she is his only child and nature has not given her any chance,
so what can he do but close his eyes on this
sad story. A few days later, the daughter
comes into the living room and finds her father, the rabbi, who is holding a
glass of whiskey in one hand and the vibrator in the other one. She is appalled
and tells him: "look I am sorry for what I did, but what are you doing with this,
I am now ashamed of you, I thought you were
such a wise man." To this the rabbi
replies: "listen, what's wrong about having a drink with my son-in-law?" Top
of Page Pigs Farmer Bob buys several pigs,
hoping to breed them for slaughter. After several weeks, he notices that none
of the pigs are getting pregnant and phones the vet for help. The vet tells the
farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, he
only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells
him that they will stop standing around and instead, lay down and wallow in the
mud. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means that HE has to impregnate the pigs. He loads
the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all,
brings them back to the farm and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes and
looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes
that the first try didn't take, and he loads them in the truck again. He drives
them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back
and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing
around. One more try he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, driving
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning
home, falls into bed exhausted. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself
from the bed to go look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him
if the pigs are playing in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the
truck and one of them is honking the
horn." Top
of Page Mailman's
Last Day... It was George's
last day on the job as a postman after 35 years of delivering the mail through
all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house
on his route George was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope with a hundred
dollar bill. At the second house the owners
presented him with a box of fine Cuban cigars. The folks at the third house,
knowing he was an avid fisherman, handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures. At the fourth
house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing
negligee. She took him by the hand, beckoning him in, closing the door behind
them, leading him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the
most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had
enough, they went downstairs, where she then fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When
he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful
for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night,
I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a
dollar.' -- The breakfast was my idea." Top
of Page The
Tattoo A man went into a tattoo parlor
and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis.
The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the
man thought his new tattoo looked great and he paid for the service. That night
when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off
his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying
his new tattoo. He asked his
wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?". She said... "You tell me
how to cook...", "You tell me how to clean the
house...", "You tell me how to do
the laundry..." "And now you are going to put
words in my mouth!" Top
of Page Differences
between good girls and bad girls. *Good girls loosen a few buttons
when it's hot. *Bad girls make it hot by loosening
a few buttons.
*Good girls wax their floors. *Bad girls wax their bikini
lines.
*Good girls blush during sex
scenes in a movie. *Bad girls know they could
do it better.
*Good girls think they're
not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. *Bad girls think they're fullu
dressed with just a strand of pearls.
*Good girls only own one credit
card and rarley use it. *Bad girls only own one bra
and rarely use it.
*Good girls pack their toothbrush. *Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
*Goodgirls wear high heels
to work. *Bad girls wear high heels
to bed.
*Good girls think the office
is the wrong place to have sex. *Bad girls think no place is
the wrong place.
*Good girls prefer the missionary
postition. *Bad girls do too, but only
for starters.
*Good girls say 'no'. *Bad girls say 'when?' Top of Page
Health
Plans Her Majesty the Queen was
being shown around a hospital. As she was being given
the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where you could see
a man masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was
not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were
allowed in the hospital. "Ah." said
the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have
witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating
condition. He produces so much sperm that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a
day his testicles will explode." Oh." said
her Majesty. "Well, in that case, I suppose I can understand." A little further on down
the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and
through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow
job. "Goodness
Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid
goings-on!" "Ah". Said
the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan." Top
of Page Firmed
This Up One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt
and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence. The next morning the man woke
his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed
these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response,
so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your
brother!" Top
of Page Adam & Eve God had finished with the basic
structure of humanity and was ready to get down to the perks when he called Adam
and Eve to sit at his side. "Okay, kids," he said to
them, "you have the essential stuff. Now who wants to be able to pee standing
up?" Adam lept to his feet. "Me! Let it be me! Pleeeezz!" "So be it." God said.
God then turn to Eve. "Well let me
see," he murmured, looking at his master plan. "Looks like all I have left is
multiple orgasms." Top
of Page The
Chinese Detective A man suspected his wife of seeing
another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective R. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch
and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this
report Most
honorable sir You
leave house. He
come house. I
watch. He
and she leave house. I
follow. He
and she get on train. I
follow. He
and she go in hotel. I
climb tree-look in window. He
kiss she. She
kiss he. He
strip she. She
strip he. He
play with she. She
play with he. I
play with me. Fall
out of tree, not see.
Hand
Job Harry and his wife are having
hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not
quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up
a guy. Tell him it will cost a hundred bucks. If you've got a question,
I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls
up and says, "How much?" She says, "A
hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is
thirty. She says, "Hold
on." She runs back to Harry
and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A
hand job." She runs back and tells the guy
all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the
car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at
it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner
and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy
seventy bucks? Top
of Page More
Tail A man is in his front yard attempting
to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes
crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of
the front door and yells. "You need more
tail." The father yells back "Fuck You, I told you yesterday I needed more
tail and you told me to go fly a kite." Top
of Page Newleyweds A Chinese couple get married
- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the
bedsheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries
to be reassuring "My darling, I know this is your first time and you are
frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do
anything you want. What do you want?" "I want number
69" she replies. "You want beef
with broccoli?" Top
of Page Grandpa A young man was walking down
the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair,
with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa,what
are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and
did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing
on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and
said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and
I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!" Top
of Page Bar
Translations, What they really mean... "No, really, I'm OK to
drive." --I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed
to have anybody see who I am going home with.
"I'm not used to these darts." --I'm not used to throwing
anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
"Lets go out to my car and
get some cigarettes." (male to female) --You would look great face
down in my lap.
"You get this one, next round
is on me." --We won't be here long enough
to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one
is on you." --Happy hour is about to end....now
drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"I haven't seen you around
here for a long time." --You stuck up little bitch,
too good for your old friends??
"Hey, where is that friend
of yours?" --I have no interest in talking
to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
"Lets get out of here." --I just dumped a half a pitcher
of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white
zinfandel." (female) --I'm easy.
"Can I get a glass of white
zinfandel." (male) --I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (male
to female) --I am even willing to drink
tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"Ever try a body shot?" (female
to male) --If this is how wild I am
in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, let's
go home." (female) --You are paying more attention
to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, lets go
home." (male) --I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already." --I've only had 3 but need
an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?" --I haven't bought a round
in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"Excuse Me." (male to male) --Get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (male to female) --I am going to grope you now.
"Excuse Me." (female to male) --Don't even think about groping
me, just get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (female to female). --Move your fat ass. Who
do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think
for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get
your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
"I'm out of here, I have to
work in the morning." --I owe that guy who just walked
in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?" --What's
cheap?
"You go ahead, I'll catch
a cab." --I already lined up a ride
home with your "ex".
"That person looks really
familiar." --Did I sleep with him/her?
"Can I just get a glass of
water?" (female) --I'm annoying, but cute enough
to get away with this.
"Can I just get a glass of
water?" (male) --It's 600 am and I just stopped
drinking ? hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night,
it is the least you can do for me.
"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" --I want to make my friend
really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.
"I don't have my ID on me." (female) --I'm 19.
"I don't have my ID on me." (male) --I don't have a license since
I got pulled over and blew a .32 after my last visit here. Top of Page
Sperm
Count A 75-year old man went to his
doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and
said, 'Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow.' The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The doctor asks what happened,
and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with
my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then
I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then
her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell,
we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth, too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You
asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "yep, but no matter
what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open." Top of Page
What's
His Name? A guy walks into a bar ... once
inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really
want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and
the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your
penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not
into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender
says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your
penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting
to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your
penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks
back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The
fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns
to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call
your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and
proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven
a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has
to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns
to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my
beer." The bartender begins to pour
the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong
enough for a man but made for a woman!" Top
of Page Mirror A husband, tired of his wife
asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to
help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of
the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that
her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically,
the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts
for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything,
the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger
over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why
do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday
will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why
not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?" Top
of Page
na
na na Jack looked
over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless.
The next day, Jack corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "Na,na,na,na,na,
I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her
top on yesterday." Fred was quite
put out over the peeping incident and told Jack he planned revenge. That very
evening, Fred noticed that Jack's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection,
he notices Jack's wife in the act of performing
oralsex. The very next
day Fred calls out to Jack, "Hey, Jack, I saw your wife giving you a blow job
last night." Jack
replies, "Na,na,na,na,na, I wasn't home last night." Top
of Page Any
Asshole There was once a medical student
specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail,
he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do
extra work. One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging
its rectum. Curious
he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait
to get on the road again..." Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got
the best of him and he, once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard the same
tune, "On the road again, I just can't wait to
get on the road again..." He could
stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered the cadaver and raced upstairs
to his professor's office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to the
lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the cadaver and displayed the corked
rectum. The professor looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork, the
same tune emanated, "On the road again, I
just..." The professor looked bored and started to walk away. The student was
aghast at this casual response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this
amazing?" The
professor replied, "Not really, most any asshole can sing country music."
