True
story from Orange County A man goes to
a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them
take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks
from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get
out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares
out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The
police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and
they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and
finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he
is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that
he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police
knock on his door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and the wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and
has been there all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask
to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing the car, so she
takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: The police
car, lights still flashing. top
of page Radar A police officer
had a perfect hiding place for watching speeders. But one day, everyone
was under the speed limit, and the officer found the reason for it. A ten
year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted
sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigation work led
the officer to the boy's accomplice. Another ten year old boy about 100
yards beyond the radar trap with sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his
feet, full of change. top
of page Quotes "I have a great
diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with
naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone
"Have you
ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin
"You have
to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneris
"I'm not
into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer
"A hotel
is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
- Shelley Berman
"Don't spend
two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.
They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five
cents." - Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately
trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison
"Did you
ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone
"I think
men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
"Anytime
four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery
has just taken place." - Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy
is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers
"Never moon
a werewolf." - Mike Binder top
of page
Insurance
Claims EVERYONE has
seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that passes around on
the net from time to time... we have an ENTIRELY NEW list from England.
"I
started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"A
car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and
his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic
lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our
client remained conscious and mad to cross the road."
"Unfortunately
our client does not accept your offer. He is extremely interested in keeping
the vehicle and would thank you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement"
"The
customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so
hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately
he was in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read
'Free estimates for Accident Repair.'"
"I
am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."
"I
pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: "Could
either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?" A: "Travelled
by bus?"
"I had one eye
on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman
behind".
"I
started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant
tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration
and hit a bollard"
"I
was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse"
"I
was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back and wrote
off my Volvo."
"On
the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car
didn't give way."
"On
approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"The
woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me."
"Having
checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle approached
from nowhere and collided with my car."
"Insured
failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea."
Apartment
for Rent A man met a beautiful
girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but
that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted
what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following
note:Dear Madam, Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount originally agreed upon,
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:1)
It had never been occupied.2) That there was plenty of heat.and3) That
is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.Last night, however, I
found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl
immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:Dear
Sir:First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady. top
of page Answering
Machine Messages Hi. This is John.
If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents,
please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend
me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of money." "Hi. Now you
say something." "Hi, I'm not
home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am
David's answering machine. What are you?" "Hi! John's answering
machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." "Hello, you are
talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do
not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They
give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back
to you." "This is not
an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After
the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number
where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "A is for academics,
B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message
at the beep." "Hi. I'm probably
home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message. If I
don't call back, it's you." (A narrator's voice) "There Dale sits,
reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes
into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?
Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must
leaveth a message." "Hi, this is
George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message,
and then wait by your phone until I call you back." "If you are a
burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and
can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe
to leave us a message." "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail
System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored
for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the
sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further
explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.""Please
leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything
you say will be recorded and will be used by us for profit." top
of page Dakota
Tribal Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government we often try other
strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger
whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things
like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." 4. Arranging
to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 5. Increasing
the standards to ride dead horses. 6. Appointing
a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 7. Creating a
training session to increase our riding ability. 8. Comparing
the state of dead horses in today's environment. 9. Pass legislation
declaring that "This horse is not dead." 10. Blaming the
horse's parents. 11. Harnessing
several dead horses together for increased speed. 12. Declaring
that "No horse is too dead to beat." 13. Providing
additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 14. Do a Cost
Analysis to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 15. Procure a
commercial design dead horse. 16. Declare the
horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 17. Form a quality
circle to find uses for dead horses. 18. Revisit the
performance requirements for horses. 19. Say this
horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 20. BRAC the
horse farm on which it was born. 21. Promote the
dead horse to a supervisory position. top
of page I
Can Please only one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow
isn't looking good either. ~I don't have
an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.Thoughts to Ponder ~I'm not having
hot flashes, I'm having power surges! ~Everyone has
a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. ~Young at Heart.
Slightly Older in Other Places.~Show me a man with both feet firmly on
the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off! ~Just because
you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. ~Indecision is
the key to flexibility. ~Time is Nature's
way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. ~If at first
you don't succeed, to heck with it. ~Do unto others,
then run..................... ~Never put off
until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.~I love deadlines. I
especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. ~Inflexibility
is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. ~If swimming
is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ~It's gonna be
like threading a needle with a haystack. ~My heart's in
the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there....... ~I used to be
Snow White, but I drifted....... ~The trouble
with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. ~Am I getting
smart with you? ....How would you know? ~Not one shred
of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. ~All I ask is
that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. ~Does "anal retentive"
have a hyphen? ~My Reality Check
bounced. ~Does vacuuming
count as Aerobic Exercise? ~Sweat is nature's
way of showing you your muscles are crying. ~You're slower
than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. ~I don't suffer
from stress. I'm a carrier. ~It is much easier
to apologize than to ask permission. ~Men don't roar,
women roar. Then they throw heavy objects. ~Just because
you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you................ ~Motherhood:
the longest guilt trip you'll ever take. ~Tell me what
you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. ~Do not meddle
in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. ~Do not meddle
in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer. ~Someday we'll
look back on all this and plow into a parked car. ~There are two
rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell
everything you know. top
of page Winners
of
the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"contest. He spoke with
the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind
because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it.(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your
eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen
doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.(Rich Murphy,
Fairfax Station)
The little boat
gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12
stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.(Paul
Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From
the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes
on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.(Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened
in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were
like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.(Russell Beland,
Springfield)
Her vocabulary
was as bad as, like, whatever.(Unknown)
He was as tall
as a six-foot-three-inch tree.(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones
leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.(Gary
F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her
date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this
guy would be buried in the credits as something like"Second Tall Man."(Russell
Beland, Springfield)
Long separated
by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward
each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician
was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.(Wayne
Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in
a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy
Kerrigan's teeth(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary
had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.(Russell
Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was
ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken
backstage during the storm scene in a play.(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled
in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) top
of page
Really
anti-Women? Scientists have
discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent...... Wedding cake
Marriage is a 3 Ring circus: engagement 'ring', wedding 'ring' and suffer'ring'. In the beginning...God
created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created
woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do women
have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. Woman inspires
us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. - Damus Why do men fart
more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. A beggar walks
up to a well dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I
haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God,
I wish I had your will power." Men have their
faults. But women have only two. Everything they say and everything they
do. Women are like
guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it. If your dog is
barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first? The dog of course....at least he'll shut up after
you let him in. One golfer tells
another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife" The other
replies, "GREAT Trade!" Do you know the
punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. How do men define
a 50/50 relationship? She cooks/I eat She cleans/I dirty She irons/I wrinkle. All wives are
alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What are two
reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business. How do you know
when a women's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence
with "A wise man once told me...." A man and a woman
were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die.
Then the woman turns to the man and says "Make me feel like a woman before
I die." The man takes off his shirt and socks and says "Fold them!!" How can you tell
a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "Harass" is two words. My wife complained
about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture. The last fight
was my fault. My wife asked "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust!" I married Miss
Right. I just didn't know here first name was Always. It's not true
that married men live longer than a single man. It only seems that way. top
of page In
the Beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.Quickly, God was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.
God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with
the cease and desist order for the earthly part.Then God said, "Let there
be light!"Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would
be made. Would there be
strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light
would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission
to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire,
and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would
have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light
"Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not
interested in semantics.God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation,
plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."The EPA agreed, so
long as only native seed was used.Then God said, "Let the waters bring
forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."The
officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of
Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon
Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed
in six days.The officials said it would take at least two hundred days
to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would
be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...At
this point God created Hell. top
of page
New Dog Breeds Collie + Lhasa
Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow
Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Blood hound +
Borzoi Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier
+ Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees
+ Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese +
Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel
+ English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean
as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound +
Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway! Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier
+ Shitzu Bull Shitzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed top
of page So
you think you're having a bad day. The following
is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working
on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.
The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle
slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through
a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the
house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and
summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,
the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct
the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported
the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed
it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained
some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the
toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom,
sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette,
he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the
floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the
phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched
and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband
on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were
going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told
them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the
stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps
and broke his arm. top
of page Dear
Dad, $chool
i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With
all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy,
ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can
never study eNOugh. Love, Dad top
of page
The
Genie A recently divorced
woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got
over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her
anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie
informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that
because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten
times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The
woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but shemakes
her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and
she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie
then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private
beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again
that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points
out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing
this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just
as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie
that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this,
the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
what she wishes for. "No problem,"
said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish I'd like
to give birth to twins." top
of page
The
Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun 15 Generic-looking
green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker. 14 Every time
you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant
seems to have gotten a little closer. 13 Green lipstick
marks on the butt of your Dockers. 12 You're being
followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops!
That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.) 11 You don't
recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome. 10 Card delivered
with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!" 9 When you come
home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboa rd and your parrot
is singing "Danny Boy." 8 Prank caller
has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi. 7 Those tiny
green hairs on your toilet seat. 6 Sultry voice
from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy
to see me?" 5 Pink hearts,
yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross
Perot is nowhere to be found. 4 Them little
green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester. 3 Whitewater
Special Investigators are taller, wear more conservative suits, and have
a snottier disposition. 2 Every day this
week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor
in the stall next to you. 1 Tiny scary
person -- check. Gold -- check. Ears that stick out -- check.
Ice skates -- wait a second, ice skates? top
of page Mother
Theresa's Halo As you know,
Mother Theresa and Princess Di both passed away around the same time. Mother Theresa
noticed that Princess Di had a bigger halo than she did and she found this
to be quite upsetting. Mother Theresa could not take it anymore and finally
went up to God one day. "God," she said,
"I have done many good things in my life. I devoted myself to the church
and to humanity. I believe I have done everything possible to earn a halo
yet I have noticed that Princess Diana's halo is bigger than mine. I don't
understand...." God looked at Mother Theresa, leaned over and whispered
in her ear, "Mother Theresa, that is not a halo, that is a steering wheel."
