harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 9
Dear Dad
The Genie
I Can Please
In the Beginning
New Dog Breeds
Insurance Claims
Apartment for Rent
Really anti-Women
Mother Theresa's Halo
Dakota Tribal Wisdom
 Stalked by a Leprechaun
Answering Machine Messages
True story from Orange County
So you think you're having a bad day
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

True story from Orange County
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on his door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and the wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing the car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: The police car, lights still flashing.
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A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, and the officer found the reason for it. A ten year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigation work led the officer to the boy's accomplice. Another ten year old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
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"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."  - Ed Bluestone

 "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

 "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

 "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer

 "A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." - Shelley Berman

 "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

 "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

 "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

 "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

 "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." - Johnny Carson

 "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers

 "Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder
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Insurance Claims
EVERYONE has seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that passes around on the net from time to time... we have an ENTIRELY NEW list from England.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and mad to cross the road."

"Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is extremely interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement"

"The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free estimates for Accident Repair.'"

"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?"
A: "Travelled by bus?"

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard"

"I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse"

"I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back and wrote off my Volvo."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me."

"Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle approached from nowhere and collided with my car."

"Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea."

 Beware of triskaidekaphobia today.
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Apartment for Rent
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:Dear Madam, Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:1) It had never been occupied.2) That there was plenty of heat.and3) That is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:Dear Sir:First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
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Answering Machine Messages
Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message at the beep."
"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message. If I don't call back, it's you."  (A narrator's voice)
"There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leaveth a message."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.""Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us for profit."
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Dakota Tribal Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
6. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
7. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
8. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
9. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
10. Blaming the horse's parents.
11. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
12. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
13. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
14. Do a Cost Analysis to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
15. Procure a commercial design dead horse.
16. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
17. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
18. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
19. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
20. BRAC the horse farm on which it was born.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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I Can Please only one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking good either.
~I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.Thoughts to Ponder
~I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
~Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
~Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.~Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
~Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
~Indecision is the key to flexibility.
~Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
~If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
~Do unto others, then run.....................
~Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.~I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
~Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
~If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
~My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.......
~I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.......
~The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
~Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
~Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
~All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
~Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
~My Reality Check bounced.
~Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
~Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
~You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
~I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
~It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
~Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
~Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you................
~Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
~Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
~Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
~Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
~Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
~There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never tell everything you know.
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Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"contest.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like"Second Tall Man."(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
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Really anti-Women?
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent......
Wedding cake Marriage is a 3 Ring circus: engagement 'ring', wedding 'ring' and suffer'ring'.
In the beginning...God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. - Damus
Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A beggar walks up to a well dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course....at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife" The other replies, "GREAT Trade!"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship? She cooks/I eat She cleans/I dirty She irons/I wrinkle.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.
How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...."
A man and a woman were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die. Then the woman turns to the man and says "Make me feel like a woman before I die." The man takes off his shirt and socks and says "Fold them!!"
How can you tell a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "Harass" is two words.
My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust!"
I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know here first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than a single man. It only seems that way.
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In the Beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.Then God said, "Let there be light!"Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...At this point God created Hell.
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New Dog Breeds
Collie + Lhasa Apso  Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow  Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Blood hound + Borzoi  Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter  Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier  Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund  Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso  Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel  Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle    Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever  Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists    Newfoundland + Basset Hound  Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog  Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer  Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway!
Collie + Malamute  Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier  Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu  Bull Shitzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
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So you think you're having a bad day.
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.  Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
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Dear Dad,
  $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
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The Genie
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but shemakes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The  genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one  billion one-dollar bills.

 The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but  the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what  she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

  Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last  wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman  informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before  she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will  get ten times what she wishes for.
  "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last  wish I'd like to give birth to twins."
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The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun
15 Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
14 Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green
fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
13 Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
12 You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
11 You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
10 Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
9 When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboa rd and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
8 Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
7 Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
6 Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
5 Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
4 Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
3 Whitewater Special Investigators are taller, wear more conservative suits, and have a snottier disposition.
2 Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
1 Tiny scary person -- check. Gold -- check.  Ears that stick out -- check.  Ice skates -- wait a second, ice skates?
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Mother Theresa's Halo
As you know, Mother Theresa and Princess Di both passed away around the same time.
Mother Theresa noticed that Princess Di had a bigger halo than she did and she found this to be quite upsetting. Mother Theresa could not take it anymore and finally went up to God one day.
"God," she said, "I have done many good things in my life. I devoted myself to the church and to humanity. I believe I have done everything possible to earn a halo yet I have noticed that Princess Diana's halo is bigger than mine. I don't understand...." God looked at Mother Theresa, leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mother Theresa, that is not a halo, that is a steering wheel."
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