harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 8
I'm Fine
A Motorist
Frog Humor
At The Track
Shortest Essay
The Wrist Watch
Remember When
Army of the Lord
The Top Ten Changes
Dakota Tribal Wisdom
Maxims for Internet Age
Stalked by Martha Stewart
More Church Bulletin Bloopers
Technologically Challenged

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue' .."eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"
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Frog Humor
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
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At The Track
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys up by their armpits.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
" I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
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Technologically Challenged
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. And I thought I'd heard it all!!!!!
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. DUH!
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Amazing.....just amazing...
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. Did ya ever wonder how some people survive one day on the planet??????
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. MAJOR inferiority complex....
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer...but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. OMG
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk...I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
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Maxims for Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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Remember When............
Computer Was Something on TV, from a Science Fiction Show
A Window Was Something You Hated to Clean....
And Ram Was the Cousin of a Goat.....
Meg Was the Name of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was Your Middle Finger Upright
Now They All Mean Different Things and That Really Mega Bytes
An Application Was for Employment
A Program Was a Tv Show
A Cursor Used Profanity
A Keyboard Was What a Piano Had
Memory Was Something That You Lost with Age
A CD Was a Bank Account
And If You Had a 3½Floppy You Hoped Nobody Found out
Compress Was Something You Did to the Garbage Not Something You Did To a File
And If You Unzipped Anything in Public You'd Be in Jail for a While
Log on Was Adding Wood to the Fire
Hard Drive Was a Long Trip on the Road
A Mouse Pad Was Where a Mouse Lived
And a Backup Happened to Your Commode
Cut You Did with a Pocket Knife
Paste You Did with Glue
A Web Was a Spider's Home
And a Virus Was the Flu
I Guess I'll Stick to My Pad and Paper
And the Memory in My Head
I Hear Nobody's Been Killed in a Computer Crash
But When it Happens They Wish They Were Dead
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The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10 You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9 That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8 On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your. split- level, right down to the fallen-over licorice down spout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7 You find your pet bunny on the stove, but it's in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6 The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5 You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4 No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3 Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2 You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1 You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
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Dakota Tribal Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Blaming the horse's parents.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Procure a commercial design dead horse.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. BRAC the horse farm on which it was born.
22. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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The World's Shortest Books
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
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Shortest Essay
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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I'm Fine
There's nothing whatever the matter with me
 I'm just as healthy as I can be,
 I have arthritis in both my knees
 And when I talk I speak with a wheeze
 My pulse is weak and my blood is thin,
 But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

 I think my liver is out of whack,
 And I have a terrible pain in my back
 My hearing is gone and my eyes are dim,
 Most everything seems to be out of trim
 I'm likely to fall at any time,
 But, all things considered, I feel fine.

 Arch supports for both my feet
 Or I wouldn't be able to walk down the street,
 My fingers are swollen, stiff at the joints
 My nails are impossible to keep in points.
 Complexion is bad, due to dry skin,
 But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

 My dentures are out,
 I'm restless at night.
 In the morning, I'm a frightful sight.
 Memory's failing, heads in a spin,
 I'm practically living on aspirin
 But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in."

 Now the moral is, as this tale unfolds
 That you and me who are getting old,
 It's better to say, I'm fine with a grin
 Than to tell everybody of the shape we're in!
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The Wrist Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
 Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven "til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.  "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes to show eastern New York state.  "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard- size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready!" "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries!"
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Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need too join in the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.
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The top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-year-old John Glenn's flight aboard the shuttle Discovery:
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
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More Church Bulletin Bloopers
1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be  recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."
3. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All  ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."
4. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."
5. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
6. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door."
7. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
8. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
9. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."
10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
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