Statue
A woman was in
bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!"
she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him
and then she dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?"
the husband inquired as he entered the room."Oh, it's just a statue," she
replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked
it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not
even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning
the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said
to the 'statue' .."eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths'
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"
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of page
Frog
Humor
A little girl
says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you
can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she
says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like
a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says,
"Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her
grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a
frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak,
we're going to Florida!"
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of page
At
The Track
A group of third,
fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field
trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
sporting industry.
During the tour
some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher
assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came
out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went
inside and began hoisting up the little boys up by their armpits.
As she lifted
one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for
an elementary school child.
" I guess you
must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he
replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift
anyhow."
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of page Technologically
Challenged
Just in case
you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an
excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is
considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical
support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with
the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse
was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq
technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't
read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting
for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that
the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels. And I thought I'd heard it all!!!!!
4. Another AST
customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days
later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the
floppies. DUH!
5. A Dell technician
advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close
the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting
the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his
room.
6. Another Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After
40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying
to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and
hitting the "send" key. Amazing.....just amazing...
7. Yet another
Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He
had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the
keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Did ya ever wonder how some people survive one day on the planet??????
8. A Dell technician
received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had
told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. MAJOR
inferiority complex....
9. A confused
caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician
that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also
tried turning the computer screen to face the printer...but that his computer
still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated
caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer
to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response,
"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot
pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. OMG
11. Another customer
called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work.
She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes
waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
12. True story
from a Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken
and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"Caller: "Yes, it's attached to
the front of my computer."Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped.
It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."At this point the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM
customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put
in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk,
and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk...I
couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk
2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
top
of page Maxims
for Internet Age
1. Home is where
you hang your @
2. The E-mail
of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey
of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't
teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups
from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly
and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the
root of all directories.
8. Don't put
all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise;
pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem
is the message.
11. Too many
clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek
shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has
nine lives.
14. Don't byte
off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger
than fiction.
16. What boots
up must come down.
17. Windows will
never cease.
18. In Gates
we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality
is its own reward.
20. Modulation
in all things.
21. A user and
his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no
place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what
to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what
a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man
a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he
won't bother you for weeks.
top
of page Remember
When............
Computer Was
Something on TV, from a Science Fiction Show
A Window Was
Something You Hated to Clean....
And Ram Was the
Cousin of a Goat.....
Meg Was the Name
of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was Your
Middle Finger Upright
Now They All
Mean Different Things and That Really Mega Bytes
An Application
Was for Employment
A Program Was
a Tv Show
A Cursor Used
Profanity
A Keyboard Was
What a Piano Had
Memory Was Something
That You Lost with Age
A CD Was a Bank
Account
And If You Had
a 3½Floppy You Hoped Nobody Found out
Compress Was
Something You Did to the Garbage Not Something You Did To a File
And If You Unzipped
Anything in Public You'd Be in Jail for a While
Log on Was Adding
Wood to the Fire
Hard Drive Was
a Long Trip on the Road
A Mouse Pad Was
Where a Mouse Lived
And a Backup
Happened to Your Commode
Cut You Did with
a Pocket Knife
Paste You Did
with Glue
A Web Was a Spider's
Home
And a Virus Was
the Flu
I Guess I'll
Stick to My Pad and Paper
And the Memory
in My Head
I Hear Nobody's
Been Killed in a Computer Crash
But When it Happens
They Wish They Were Dead
top
of page The
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10 You get a
threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking
shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined
up in razor-sharp rows.
9 That telltale
lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8 On her show
she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your. split- level,
right down to the fallen-over licorice down spout and the stuck half-open
graham cracker garage door.
7 You find your
pet bunny on the stove, but it's in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and
saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel
sauce.
6 The unmistakable
aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5 You discover
that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4 No matter where
you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3 Twice this
week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2 You wake up
in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.And
the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1 You awaken
one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
top
of page Dakota
Tribal Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government we often try other
strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger
whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things
like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
5. Arranging
to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing
the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing
a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a
training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing
the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Pass legislation
declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Blaming the
horse's parents.
12. Harnessing
several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring
that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing
additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost
Analysis to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Procure a
commercial design dead horse.
17. Declare the
horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality
circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the
performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this
horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. BRAC the
horse farm on which it was born.
22. Promote the
dead horse to a supervisory position.
top
of page Reading
The World's Shortest
Books
25. "My Plan
To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
24. "To All The
Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book
of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference
between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights
Advances in China
20. "Things I
Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore:
The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's
Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's
Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities
for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit -
A Travel Guide
14. Different
Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's
Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian
Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything
Men Know About Women
9. Everything
Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's
Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain
a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's
Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred
and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your
Way to Success
2. The Amish
Phone Directory
And the number
one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's
Guide to Fashion
top
of page Shortest
Essay
A university
creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these
four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning
essay read:
"My God!" said
the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
top
of page I'm
Fine
There's nothing
whatever the matter with me
I'm just
as healthy as I can be,
I have
arthritis in both my knees
And when
I talk I speak with a wheeze
My pulse
is weak and my blood is thin,
But I'm
awfully well for the shape I'm in.
I think
my liver is out of whack,
And I have
a terrible pain in my back
My hearing
is gone and my eyes are dim,
Most everything
seems to be out of trim
I'm likely
to fall at any time,
But, all
things considered, I feel fine.
Arch
supports for both my feet
Or I wouldn't
be able to walk down the street,
My fingers
are swollen, stiff at the joints
My nails
are impossible to keep in points.
Complexion
is bad, due to dry skin,
But I'm
awfully well for the shape I'm in.
My
dentures are out,
I'm restless
at night.
In the
morning, I'm a frightful sight.
Memory's
failing, heads in a spin,
I'm practically
living on aspirin
But I'm
awfully well for the shape I'm in."
Now
the moral is, as this tale unfolds
That you
and me who are getting old,
It's better
to say, I'm fine with a grin
Than to
tell everybody of the shape we're in!
top
of page
The
Wrist Watch
Jake is struggling
through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when
a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs,
puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six,"
he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake
brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"...and he shows
him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but
for the 86 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on
the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven "til six" in a very West Texas
accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display
is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger
is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes
a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York
City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location
by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says,
"and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want
to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale
yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this",
and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable
little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout
and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to
300 standard- size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there
so far," says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!" "I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger
pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into
materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in six months. The stranger frantically
finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready
to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake
abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They
make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute,"
calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to
the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries!"
top
of page Army
of the Lord
A friend was
in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing
at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the
hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need too join in
the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the
Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
top
of page A
motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.
Several days
later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another
picture, of a pair of handcuffs.
top
of page The
top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-year-old John Glenn's flight
aboard the shuttle Discovery:
10. All important
devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's
thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board
installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird"
specials included on menu.
6. One monitor
specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls
of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed
of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed
a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants
now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker
left on for entire mission.
top
of page More
Church Bulletin Bloopers
1. "Scouts are
saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children."
2. "Ushers will
eat latecomers."
3. "The Ladies
Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."
4. "The Pastor
would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."
5. "The audience
is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
6. "Low Self-Esteem
Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door."
7. "Pastor is
on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
8. "The third
verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
9. "The Rev.
Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."
10. "The pastor
will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break
Forth Into Joy.'"
11. "Next Sunday
Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then
speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the
Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until
further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers
will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember
in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth
graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement
on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest
was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's
Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church
bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is
better."
19. "Potluck
supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach
committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not
afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new
choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir
invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
