harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 6
The Watch
Instructions for Dogs
How the Dog Got a Wet Nose
Bar Tour
A Minister
He's so Cheap
How to Write Rite
Some BAAD Translations
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
He's so Cheap...
- his hearing aid has a solar battery
- he takes off his glasses when he's not looking at anything
- he rides a crowded subway just to get his clothes pressed
- he married a skinny girl so he could buy a smaller ring
- he named himself as beneficiary in his will
- he's still waiting for the Bible to come out in paperback
- he recycles belly button lint
- he won't even tip his hat
- the guest room in his house has a pay smoke alarm
- he's worn his suits so long, they've been in style 4 times
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A woman went into a lawyer's office and said she wanted to divorce her husband.
"Do you have any grounds?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, we have about 2 acres" the woman replied.
"Does your husband beat you up?" the lawyer asked her.
"No, I usually get up first, and then he gets up about an hour later" the woman answered.
After a pause, the lawyer asked, "Do you have a grudge?"
"No" the woman said, "we have a carport."
The lawyer finally asked her, "Well, why do you want to divorce your husband? Did he do something wrong?"
"No" she replied. "We just can't communicate..."
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 A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
 When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the  poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his  migraines and STILL no improvement.

 "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go  home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the  forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

 Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took  your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17  years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

 "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

 "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
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Some BAAD translations
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," in Spanish. where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux,"
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for a "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, since most people cannot read, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside.
5, Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6, An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read, "I saw the potato' (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the Grave."
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-hou-ke-la," meaning, "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect, Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth.
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read. "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
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A Minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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How to Write Rite
The grammar in email is deplorable. Please follow these rules.
1.Don't abbrev.
2.Check to see if you any words out.
3.Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4.About sentence fragments.
5.When dangling, don't use participles.
6.Don't use no double negatives.
7.Each Pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8.Just between you and I, case is important.
9.Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10.Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11.Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12.It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13.Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14.Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
15.Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
16.In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
17.Watch out for irregular verbs which have crept into our language.
18.Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
19.Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
20.A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
21.Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
22.A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
23.Avoid cliches like the plague
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" - Clarence Darrow
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The Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"  Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.  "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!"  "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
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ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries:
USA: An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning - harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that).
SWEDEN: On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands."
BRITAIN: Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating."
From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body."
From Boots (chain of pharmacies and manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for young children urges: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery. Avoid alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids).
ITALY: Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face."
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Bar Tour
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
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Instructions for Dogs
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

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