Remember...these Jokes
are only old if you've heard them before...
Translating
Southern to English BARD - verb. Past tense
of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A highly
flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard
my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar
division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd
from him in munts." IGNERT - adjective. Not
smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "Them two boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based
lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far." BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna
far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber
wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat
tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." HOT - noun. A blood-pumping
organ. HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." RETARD - Verb. To stop
working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." RATS - noun. Entitled
power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats." LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair." FARN - adjective. Not
local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not
alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless,
odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em
some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp,
twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University
of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." SEED - verb, past tense. VIEW - contraction: verb
and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" HEAVY DEW - phrase. A
request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed
bureaucratic institution. (often preceeded by the Southern word "dad") Usage: "Great
... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!" Top of
Page Redneck
Computer Lingo HARD DRIVE: -- Trying to
climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer
load of fertilizer. KEYBOARD: Place to hang
your truck keys. WINDOW: Place in the truck
to hang your guns. FLOPPY: When you run out
of Polygrip. MODEM: How you got rid
of your dandelions. ROM: Delicious when you
mix it with coca cola. BYTE: First word in a kiss-off
phrase. REBOOT: What you do when
the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. NETWORK: Activity meant
to provide bait for your trot line. MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thing
you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. LAN: To borrow
as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." CURSOR: What some guys
do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. BIT: A wager
as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways." DIGITAL CONTROL: What yore
fingers do on the TV remote. PACKET: What you do to
a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip. BACKUP What you do when
you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE Them's the fight'n
rules down at the local tavern BUG The reason you give
for calling in sick BYTE What your pit bull
dun to cusin Jethro CACHE Needed when you run
out of food stamps CHIP Pasture muffins that
you try not to step in TERMINAL Time to call the
undertaker CRASH When you go to Junior's
party uninvited DIGITAL The art of counting
on your fingers DISKETTE Female
Disco dancer FAX What you lie about
to the IRS HACKER Uncle Leroy after
32 years of smoking HARDCOPY Picture looked
at when selecting tattoos INTERNET Where cafeteria
workers put their hair KEYBOARD Where you hang
the keys to the John Deere MAC Big Bubba's favorite
fast food MEGAHERTZ How your head
feels after 17 beers MODEM What ya did when
the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD Where Mickey
and Minnie live NETWORK Scoop'n up a big
fish before it breaks the line ONLINE Where to stay when
taking the sobriety test ROM Where the
pope lives SCREEN Helps keep the skeeters
off the porch SERIAL PORT A red wine
you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR Amtrak's
Employee of the year SCSI What you call your
week-old underwear Top
of Page For
Whom the Bell Tolls Well, you knew it had to
happen: Quasimodo finally passed away, and the Bishop of Notre Dame had to find
a new bell ringer.
The announcement
was sent throughout all France that on a certain day, anyone could try
out to be the replacement bell ringer of Notre Dame. On the appointed
day hundreds of wannabees arrived to audition for the job.
Finally, at the
end of the day, only an armless man was left to try for the job. The
bishop said, "My son, you have no arms or hands. How can you possibly
ring the bells of Notre Dame?"
The man smiled
and said, "I have no arms, but I can ring the bells with my head." With
that said, the man proceeded to play the bells by running and striking
them with his head. The music he made with the bells was so beautiful
that all of Paris stopped...first to listen, then to come to Notre Dame
to be near the source of such beautiful music.
But, as luck,
or fate, would have it, as the man finished playing the bells, he jumped
to reach the smallest bell to finish up, and missed the bell completely,
falling through the belfries and down, down to the floor many feet below.
By the time the Bishop arrived at the belfries, the man had expired.
All Paris marveled
at the event and commented on the beautiful music the man had made. They
asked the Bishop who the man was, but the Bishop could only answer, "I
never got to know his name, but his face certainly rang a bell."
Wait, there's
more......
Several days later,
the man's brother arrived in Paris and sought an audience with the Bishop,
which was granted. During the interview, the brother said that he thought
it only fair if he, the brother, could be the new bell ringer of Notre
Dame. He said he was a very accomplished bell ringer, and the Bishop
would be proud both of the music he made and of the fact that he had
helped out the family of the armless man.
The Bishop and
the man went up the belfry and the brother began to play the bells. If
anything, he played more beautifully than his recently deceased brother.
All Paris stopped what it was doing to listen and draw close to the source
of this beautiful music.
Then it happened!
The man suffered a monstrous heart attack and died at the rope he was
pulling. The Bishop was, of course, very distressed that another tragedy
had occurred so soon after the death of the brother.
When asked who
the man was, the Bishop answered, "I never had a chance to learn his
name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." Top of
Page
The
Computer Hillbillies (Engineers Song) Come and listen to a story
'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely
kept his family fed, But then one day he was
talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big
bucks if ya work on a computer..." Windows, that is... PC's...
Workstations...
Well, the first thing
ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from here". They said "California
is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts
and moved to Silicon Valley... Intel, that is... Pentium
... big amusement park...
On his first day at
work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more donuts and
sat him at a tube. They said "your project's
late, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours,
we'll work you 52!" OT, that is... unpaid...
mandatory... The weeks rolled by and
things were looking bad. Schedules started slipping
and some managers were mad. They called another meeting
and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... "We'll
work him sixty-six!" Tired, that is... stressed
out... no social life... Months turned to years
and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked very hard
while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when
he turned 64, Instead he got a call
and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is...
de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral of the
story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you
and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends
and start your own firm, Beat the competition,
watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is...
Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now...
ya hear' Top of
Page
News
Clippings The following are actual
excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers. ILLITERATE? Write today
for free help. AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free
pick-up and delivery. TRY US ONCE, you'll never
go anywhere again. OUR EXPERIENCED MOM will
care for your child. FENCED YARD, meals, and
smacks included. DOG FOR SALE: eats anything
and is fond of children. MAN WANTED to work in dynamite
factory. Must be willing to travel. STOCK UP and save. Limit
one. SEMI-ANNUAL after-Christmas
Sale. 3-YEAR-OLD TEACHER needed
for pre-school. Experience preferred. MIXING BOWL set designed
to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. GIRL WANTED to assist magician
in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. DINNER SPECIAL-TURKEY $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. FOR SALE: antique desk
suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have
your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. WE DO not tear your clothing
with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. FOR SALE: three canaries
of undermined sex. GREAT DAMES For
Sale. HAVE SEVERAL very old dresses
from grandmother in beautiful condition. VACATION SPECIAL: have
your home exterminated Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. TOASTER: A gift that every
member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. FOR RENT: 6-room hated
apartment. MAN, HONEST. Will take
anything. USED CARS: Why go elsewhere
to be cheated. Come here first. CHRISTMAS TAG-SALE. Handmade
gifts for the hard-to-find person. WANTED: Hair cutter. Excellent
growth potential. WANTED: Man to take care
of cow that does not smoke or drink. OUR BIKINIS are exciting.
They are simply the tops. WANTED: Widower with school-age
children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable
of contributing to growth of family. AND NOW, the Superstore-unequaled
in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. WE WILL OIL your sewing
machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. Top
of Page 25
Ways to Annoy a Yankee 1. Take your own
sweet time when doing ANYTHING. 2. Pronounce all
one-syllable words with two. 3. When giving directions,
finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." 4. Talk REAL slow,
and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what
they're saying. 5. When they talk
nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you
are!" 6. Talk loudly and
often about SEC football or ACC basketball. 7. Refer to every
soft drink as a Coke. 8. Always order
sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. 9. Offer to send
'em a bottle of fresh air. 10. Insist on being
addressed by your first AND middle names. 11. Frequently bring
up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the
words "Civil War," always interject that "there was nothing civil
about it." 12. Address all
males as "son" and females as "little lady." 13. Correct their
pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can." 14. Put Tabasco
on everything. 15. For New York
Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words,
if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yawk!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has
always wanted to see a Broadway show!" 16. When invited
to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. 17. Name all of
your children "Bubba." 18. Use
the word "reckon" in a sentence. 19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off
lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something. 20. Never
simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something. 21. Tell them you
don't have an accent, they do. 22. Be
sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations. 23. Only use landmarks
and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn
left at where the Sheetz station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco.
Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You
said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish
on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other
side of town.." 24. Ask them if
it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible
this weekend. 25. Call 'em a yankee.
Works every time. Top
of Page Woman
for Hire A man was sitting at a
bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy
young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes
away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive
stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his
apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on
one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.The
young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."
The man considered her
proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly
counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He
looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said . . ."Paint
my house." Top of
Page
Nasty
Bug A man is sitting at home
one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall
cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the
eyes and scampers off. .. The next evening, the
man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the
cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops
him before running away. ...The third evening, the
man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door,
the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times
before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone
and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care
and they save his life. .. The next morning, the
doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains
about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is
a nasty bug going around." Top
of Page Perspective One bright, beautiful Sunday
morning, everyone got up early and went to the local church. Before the service
started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives,
their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone is evacuated
from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his
pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy is in his presence.
Now this confused Satan
a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who
I am?"
The man replied, "Yep,
sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't
you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said
the man.
Satan was a little perturbed
at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've
been married to your sister for 25 years." Top of
Page
Scientist's
Ball Replying to an invitation
to a Scientist's Ball Ampere was worried he wasn't
current. Audubon said he'd have
to wing it. Boyle said he was under
too much pressure. Darwin waited to see what
evolved. Descartes said he'd think
about it. Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn't
been feeling himself lately. Edison thought it would
be illuminating. Einstein thought it would
be relatively easy to attend. Gauss was asked to attend
because of his magnetic personality. Hawking tried to string
enough time together to make space in his schedule. Heisenberg was uncertain
that he could make it. Hertz said in the future
he planned to attend with greater frequency. Mendel said he'd put some
things together and see what came out. Morse's reply: "I'll be
there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash." Newton planned to drop
in. Ohm resisted
the idea. Pavlov was drooling at
the thought. Pierre and Marie Curie
were radiating enthusiasm. Schrodinger had to take
his cat to the vet, or did he? Stephenson thought the
whole idea was loco. Volta was electrified,
and Archimedes buoyant at the thought. Watt reckoned it would
be a good way to let off steam. Wilbur Wright accepted,
provided he and Orville could get a flight. Top
of Page God
love the Irish! An Irishman had been drinking
at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the
Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that would sober him up. Once outside
he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to
his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his
face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head
hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been
out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." Top
of Page New
Career Path A man came home from work
one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He
asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going
to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to
why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400 a
night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into
the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch
and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He
replied, "I'm going, too." "Why?" She asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year." Top
of Page REDNECK
RULES OF ETIQUETTE PERSONAL HYGIENE... While ears need to be cleaned
regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck
keys. Proper use of toiletries
can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant
is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the
fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of finger foods. DINING OUT... When decanting wine, make
sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not
to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from
the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING
IN YOUR HOME... A centerpiece for the table
should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to
eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. DATING (Outside
the Family) Always offer to bait your
date's hook, especially on the first date. Establish with her parents
what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the boy's responsibility
to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE... Crying babies should be
taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie
has ended. Refrain from talking to
characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear
you. WEDDINGS... Livestock, usually, is
a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more
than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least,
rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt may create
a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE... Dim your headlights for
approaching vehicles-even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in
sight. When approaching a four-way
stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right
of way. Never tow another car using
pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife
down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring
back beer. Do not lay rubber while
travelling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL
OCCASIONS... Never take a beer to a
job interview. Always identify people
in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to
take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the
bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain
that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
