harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 5

Redneck Rules Of Etiquette Personal Hygiene
Translating Southern to English
The "Hillbilly" Medical Dictionary
Redneck Computer Lingo
25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The Computer Hillbillies
Woman for Hire God love the Irish!
Perspective New Career Path
Nasty Bug News Clippings
Scientist's Ball

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Translating Southern to English
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "Them two boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently
toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. (often preceeded by the Southern word
"dad") Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
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Redneck Computer Lingo
HARD DRIVE: -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
KEYBOARD: Place to hang your truck keys.
WINDOW: Place in the truck to hang your guns.
FLOPPY: When you run out of Polygrip.
MODEM: How you got rid of your dandelions.
ROM: Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
BYTE: First word in a kiss-off phrase.
REBOOT: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
NETWORK: Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
CURSOR: What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
BIT: A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
DIGITAL CONTROL: What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
PACKET: What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
BACKUP What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL Time to call the undertaker
CRASH When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE Female Disco dancer
FAX What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM Where the pope lives
SCREEN Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI What you call your week-old underwear
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For Whom the Bell Tolls
Well, you knew it had to happen: Quasimodo finally passed away, and the Bishop of Notre Dame had to find a new bell ringer.

 The announcement was sent throughout all France that on a certain day, anyone could try out to be the replacement bell ringer of Notre Dame. On the appointed day hundreds of wannabees arrived to audition for the job.

  Finally, at the end of the day, only an armless man was left to try for the job. The bishop said, "My son, you have no arms or hands. How can you possibly ring the bells of Notre Dame?"

 The man smiled and said, "I have no arms, but I can ring the bells with my head."  With that said, the man proceeded to play the bells by running and striking them with his head. The music he made with the bells was so beautiful that all of Paris stopped...first to listen, then to come to Notre Dame to be near the source of such beautiful music.

 But, as luck, or fate, would have it, as the man finished playing the bells, he jumped to reach the smallest bell to finish up, and missed the bell completely, falling through the belfries and down, down to the floor many feet below. By the time the Bishop arrived at the belfries, the man had expired.

 All Paris marveled at the event and commented on the beautiful music the man had made. They asked the Bishop who the man was, but the Bishop could only answer, "I never got to know his name, but his face certainly rang a bell."

 Wait, there's more......

 Several days later, the man's brother arrived in Paris and sought an audience with the Bishop, which was granted. During the interview, the brother said that he thought it only fair if he, the brother, could be the new bell ringer of Notre Dame. He said he was a very accomplished bell ringer, and the Bishop would be proud both of the music he made and of the fact that he had helped out the family of the armless man.

 The Bishop and the man went up the belfry and the brother began to play the bells. If anything, he played more beautifully than his recently deceased brother. All Paris stopped what it was doing to listen and draw close to the source of this beautiful music.

 Then it happened! The man suffered a monstrous heart attack and died at the rope he was pulling. The Bishop was, of course, very distressed that another tragedy had occurred so soon after the death of the brother.

 When asked who the man was, the Bishop answered, "I never had a chance to learn his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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The Computer Hillbillies (Engineers Song)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... ya hear'
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News Clippings
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick-up and delivery.
TRY US ONCE, you'll never go anywhere again.
OUR EXPERIENCED MOM will care for your child.
FENCED YARD, meals, and smacks included.
DOG FOR SALE: eats anything and is fond of children.
MAN WANTED to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
STOCK UP and save. Limit one.
SEMI-ANNUAL after-Christmas Sale.
3-YEAR-OLD TEACHER needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
MIXING BOWL set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
GIRL WANTED to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
DINNER SPECIAL-TURKEY $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
FOR SALE: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
WE DO not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
FOR SALE: three canaries of undermined sex.
HAVE SEVERAL very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
VACATION SPECIAL: have your home exterminated Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
TOASTER: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
FOR RENT: 6-room hated apartment.
MAN, HONEST. Will take anything.
USED CARS: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
CHRISTMAS TAG-SALE. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
WANTED: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
OUR BIKINIS are exciting. They are simply the tops.
WANTED: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
AND NOW, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee
  1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
  2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
  3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
  4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
  5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
  6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
  7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
  8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
  9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
  10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names.
  11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War," always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
  12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady."
  13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
  14. Put Tabasco on everything.
  15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yawk!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
  16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies.
  17. Name all of your children "Bubba."
  18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
  19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
  20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
  21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
  22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
  23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Sheetz station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
  24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
  25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.
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Woman for Hire
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."  Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.  He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said . . ."Paint my house."
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Nasty Bug
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.
.. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away.
...The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.
.. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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Scientist's Ball
Replying to an invitation to a Scientist's Ball
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
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God love the Irish!
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would
sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.  He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
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New Career Path
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.  She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" She asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."
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While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt may create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles-even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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