harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 4
Red Shirt
Car Talk Cornflakes
Train hits Math Hard of Hearing
Virginia Colleges Questions to Ponder
5-10 yr olds on love Best Headlines of 1997
Microsoft Software Automobile Schubert's Unmanaged Symphony
An Amish Family Comes to Tysons
What a Difference a Word Can Make
How to Lose Weight Without Physical Exercise
Why American and Russia are at Peace (?) Today
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Red Shirt
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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Train hits Math...
    A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Daily mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card, unopened, in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope?
    Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school." "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
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Schubert's Unmanaged Symphony
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.
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Hard of Hearing
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, it's back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, typical white man--can only think of one thing.

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.
She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, typical white man--going to die tomorrow and only think of one thing.

Last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips!

POSSE, damnit! Bring me a p-o-s-s-e!
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Microsoft Software Automobile
  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

 Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"


 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
 9. The air bag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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  1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy....  for a year!!!!
  2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
  3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
  4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
  5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
  6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
  7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
  8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
  9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
 10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
 11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
 12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
 13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
 14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
 15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
 17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
 18. "Where did the time go?"
 19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
 20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
 21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
 22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
 23. You think faster than the computer.
 24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}  and **kisses**.
 25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
 26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
 27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
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Why American and Russia are at Peace (?) Today
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

 One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

 The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy produced,
 killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

 Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.   Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

 When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

 The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and  Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves".

 "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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Car Talk
 A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
 After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
 The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
 To which his father replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
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What a Difference a Word Can Make
"It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't  you have a seat?," he says.

 "That's cool" says Bobby.

 Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

 Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

 Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

 Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

 "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

 Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

 A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt & announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

 About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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One night two brothers decided they were old enough to cuss, but realized that they should probably start out slow.

 "What are you going to do?" asked the younger of the brothers.

 "Well," replied the older sibling, "I'm going to start slipping the word  "damn" into my conversations."

 The younger brother agreed that starting out using a single word was probably the safest way to go and he decided he would start out using the word "ass." Having settled the matter, the brothers retired to  their beds. The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the older  brother what he wanted to eat.

 He responded, "I'll have some of those damn cornflakes."

 As quickly as she could move, his mother dragged him out of his chair and over to the sink, where she scoured his mouth out with soap. Then she turned to the younger brother and asked,

"Now young man, what would you like to eat."

 Still shocked by what he had witnessed, the young man answered,

 "You can bet your ass it won't be cornflakes!"
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  Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  British Left Waffles on Faulkland Islands
  Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  Eye Drops Off Shelf
  Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  War Dims Hope for Peace
  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  Deer Kill 17,000
  Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
  Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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An Amish Family Comes to Tysons
An Amish boy and his father were visiting The Galleria at Tysons II. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the woman moved higher and higher to the next level of the mall. Then they saw the walls open and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Virginia Colleges
Light bulbs......
How many William & Mary students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.

How many Virginia Commonwealth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - downtown Richmond looks better in the dark.

How many Eastern Mennonite U students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to hold the candle, and the other to light the flint.

How many George Mason University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - if they get lucky and one of them has taken the course at NOVA.

How many Old Dominion students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - two to change the bulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

How many Mary Washington students does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole student body, there's nothing better to do on weekends.

How many Georgetown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at American Univ. students.

How many UVA students does it take to change a light bulb?
One - he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

How many Virginia Tech students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to change the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it better than a UVA student.

How many James Madison University students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - Harrisonburg doesn't have electricity.

How many Washington and Lee students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to a better school if they had wanted.

How many Mary Baldwin students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the light bulb, and three to figure out how it will help them get a husband.

How many U of Richmond students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Hollins College students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's what maids are for.

How many Radford University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes six years!!
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Questions to Ponder
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers are afraid to have a chapter 11?

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How to Lose Weight Without Physical Exercise
Proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. Many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

  Beating around the bush....................................75
  Jumping to conclusions....................................100
  Climbing the walls...........................................150
  Swallowing your pride.......................................50
  Passing the buck...............................................25
  Throwing your weight around  (depending on your weight).........50-300
  Dragging your heels.........................................100
  Pushing your luck............................................250
  Making mountains out of molehills....................500
  Hitting the nail on the head.................................50
  Wading through paperwork...............................300
  Bending over backwards.....................................75
  Jumping on the bandwagon...............................200
  Balancing the books...........................................25
  Running around in circles..................................350
  Eating crow.....................................................225
  Tooting your own horn......................................25
  Climbing the ladder of success..........................750
  Pulling out the stops..........................................75
  Adding fuel to the fire......................................160
  Wrapping it up at the day's end..........................12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

  Opening a can of worms...................................50
  Putting your foot in your mouth.......................300
  Starting the ball rolling......................................90
  Going over the edge.........................................25
  Picking up the pieces after..............................350

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