Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.
However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving
the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded
in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will
continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the
courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed
that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on
their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader,
for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me
my brown pants!"
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1. For a considerable
period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced,
and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All 12 violins were
playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff
of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this
could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved
in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and
it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If
this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced
musicians.
4. No useful purpose
is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled
by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert
could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
5. The symphony had two
movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the
first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary
and should be cut.
In light of the above,
one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these
matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.
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The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, it's back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, typical white man--can only think of one thing.
The second day, the
chief says, "What your wish today?" Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse
again."
The Indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back
with a naked redhead.
She gets off and goes
in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, typical
white man--going to die tomorrow and only think of one thing.
Last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips!
POSSE, damnit! Bring
me a p-o-s-s-e!
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Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS.....
1. Every time
they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally
your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally,
executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have
to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only
have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT".
But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would
make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice
as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh
car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would
make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas
and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
light.
8. New seats would
force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The air bag
system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were
involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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One day they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd
have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which
ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found
the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and
bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy produced,
killed his siblings,
and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves".
"That's nothing",
an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five
years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt & announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes
later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her,
and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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"What are you going to do?" asked the younger of the brothers.
"Well," replied the older sibling, "I'm going to start slipping the word "damn" into my conversations."
The younger brother agreed that starting out using a single word was probably the safest way to go and he decided he would start out using the word "ass." Having settled the matter, the brothers retired to their beds. The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the older brother what he wanted to eat.
He responded, "I'll have some of those damn cornflakes."
As quickly as she could move, his mother dragged him out of his chair and over to the sink, where she scoured his mouth out with soap. Then she turned to the younger brother and asked,
"Now young man, what would you like to eat."
Still shocked by what he had witnessed, the young man answered,
"You can bet your
ass it won't be cornflakes!"
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How many Virginia Commonwealth
students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - downtown Richmond
looks better in the dark.
How many Eastern Mennonite
U students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to hold the
candle, and the other to light the flint.
How many George Mason
University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - if they get lucky
and one of them has taken the course at NOVA.
How many Old Dominion
students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - two to change
the bulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
How many Mary Washington
students does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole student body,
there's nothing better to do on weekends.
How many Georgetown
students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the
bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at American Univ. students.
How many UVA students
does it take to change a light bulb?
One - he just holds the
bulb and lets the world revolve around him.
How many Virginia Tech
students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to change
the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it better than a UVA student.
How many James Madison
University students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - Harrisonburg doesn't
have electricity.
How many Washington
and Lee students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change
the bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating
that they could have gone to a better school if they had wanted.
How many Mary Baldwin
students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change
the light bulb, and three to figure out how it will help them get a husband.
How many U of Richmond
students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to mix the
martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Hollins College
students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's what maids
are for.
How many Radford University
students does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes
six years!!
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers are afraid to have a chapter 11?
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around
the bush....................................75
Jumping to conclusions....................................100
Climbing the walls...........................................150
Swallowing your
pride.......................................50
Passing the buck...............................................25
Throwing your
weight around (depending on your weight).........50-300
Dragging your
heels.........................................100
Pushing your luck............................................250
Making mountains
out of molehills....................500
Hitting the nail
on the head.................................50
Wading through
paperwork...............................300
Bending over backwards.....................................75
Jumping on the
bandwagon...............................200
Balancing the
books...........................................25
Running around
in circles..................................350
Eating crow.....................................................225
Tooting your own
horn......................................25
Climbing the ladder
of success..........................750
Pulling out the
stops..........................................75
Adding fuel to
the fire......................................160
Wrapping it up
at the day's end..........................12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can
of worms...................................50
Putting your foot
in your mouth.......................300
Starting the ball
rolling......................................90
Going over the
edge.........................................25
Picking up the
pieces after..............................350
