Remember...these Jokes
are only old if you've heard them before...
Adam
and the Creation of the Woman So God makes Adam and Adam
walks through Eden, simply existing. But things in Eden get a little slow so
God sez, "Adam for you I will create woman." Adam is interested. "She will be
everything you could possibly want in a woman, she will be beautiful, professionally
and financially successful, a great mother and
awesome in bed." God has Adam's full attention. Adam wonders what he has done
to fall under such good grace "But!", God says, "Its gonna cost ya an arm and
a leg." Adam stops and thinks, "well God, that sounds like a pretty good deal
but what can I get for a rib." Top
of Page For
Whom the Bell Tolls! Quasimodo had finally decided
to retire and the Abbott placed an ad to find a new bell ringer. One day a man
with no arms came to the church to apply for the bell ringer's position. The
Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer, said he would consider the armless
man for the position if he could prove he could do the job. The armless man was
led to the bell tower. He got a running start and charged face-first into the
bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through the valley. So beautiful that all
the townspeople flocked
out of their houses crying "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire
him!" So the Abbott hired the armless man and promptly asked him to ring the
bell again. The man took a running start and promptly slipped on a banana peel
(discarded from Quasimodo's lunch) and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called out "who
was that man?" Quasimodo replied: "I don't know but his face rings a bell." Unfortunately,
this left the church without a bell ringer once again. So the Abbott re-advertised
the job. Another armless man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he
was the dead man's brother
and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother, declared
that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position and succeed
where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally). The Abbott
gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother charged at
the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow tone which was
heard all throughout the valley. The towns people came running into the square
calling out " who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato
- hire him, hire him!! And the Abbott hired the brother. Noting that it was nearing
3:00 and time to ring the bell, the Abbott instructed the man to do the same.
The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was to the edge
of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death. The Abbott turned
to Quasimodo and asked: "who was that
man?" Replied Quasimodo: "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his
brother." Top
of Page Lucky
Frog A man takes the day
off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around
and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9
Iron." He looks at the
frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs
a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He
says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to
take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The
man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to
say .. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK
where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit.
Las Vegas." They
go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit
Roulette."
Upon approaching the
roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The
frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is
a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures
what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The
man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The
frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl. "And that, your
honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." Top of
Page
Dating
Dictionary ATTRACTION the act of associating
horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what
occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING the process of spending
enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person
whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less
in the future. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding
pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm,
using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe
a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilized
by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested
in him. Despite being advised
to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly
in the eyes, not necessarily due to the
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not
located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the
opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her
totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's
feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to
get." INTERESTING a word a man
uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT what the
endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn
into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive
a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your
date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term
for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. Top
of Page RANDY
THE ROOSTER A farmer wanted to have
his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping
he could get a special rooster-one that could service all of his many hens. When
he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster
for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you
will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy
back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he
gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you
to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as
he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much
squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his
way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went into the barn
and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic
pace. Then he went to the pig
house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief,
cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking
out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning,
the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs
were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging
out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up
to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and
killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The
buzzard's getting closer." Top of
Page
Ouch-this
actually hurts Some friars were behind
on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. He asked his mother to go
and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. The
rival florist hired Hugh McGinnis, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
they did so. Thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
A
Dog Called Sex Everybody I know who has
a dog usually calls him Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now sex has been very
embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for
Sex told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He
said.. "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "She is a dog!" He said
he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I have had
Sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong
boy."
When I decided to get
married. I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex
has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around Sex." He
said, He didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry
us in his church..I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding..the
next day..we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family is barred
from the church then on.
When my wife and I went
on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel,
I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special
room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for Sex. I said, "You
don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex
in a contest, but before the competition began Sex ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I
was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold
my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have sex
on TV!"
He called me a show
off.
When my wife and I separate,
we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor,
I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The
judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off
again. I spent hours looking all over for her, a cop came over and asked
me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm
looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I have been
thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog
than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first
session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I
replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has
left me forever. I couldn't live any longer--so lonely"
And the doctor said, "Look
mister, you should understand Sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself
a dog." Top of
Page
Men's
Guide to Women * Single women complain
that all good men are married, * All married women
complain about their lousy husbands. * Q.E.D. - There
is no such thing as a good man.
THE RULES
* The female always
makes the rules. * The rules are
subject to change at any time without prior notification. * No male can possibly
know all the rules. * If the females
suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or
all the rules. * The female is
never wrong. * If the female
is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something
the male did or said wrong. * If the above
applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. * An apology without
flowers is not an apology. * The female may
change her mind at any time. * The male must
never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female. * The male may
not point out that the women has changed her mind. * The female has
every right to be angry or upset at any time. * The male must
remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. * The female must,
under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be
angry or upset. * The female is
ready when she is ready. * The male must
be ready at all times. * If the female
is PMS, all rules are null & void. * The male may
not inquire if the woman is angry or upset. * The male may
not inquire when the women will be ready. * The male may
not inquire about the women's time of the month. * The male is expected
to mind-read at all times. * The male must
earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs
and nurturing of her character. Top of
Page
Win,
Place or Show A nun was sitting at a
window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon
opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift
from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted
by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post
in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him
off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties,
she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she
had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the
window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled
expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was
in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her
door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found
the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word
he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's
the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1." Top of
Page
Turmoil
rocked Heaven Turmoil rocked
Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former
worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary,
claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the
hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close
to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly
talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had
his child."
In a press conference
this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship
existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel
Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department
to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments
may have been broken, and whether God had illegaly funnelled laundered
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know
only as the "Wise Men".
Beazulbub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little
to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed
to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to
cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months,
Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions
surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political
opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction
of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from
a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in
Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for
political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then
this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent
crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments",
which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics
of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation
of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name
in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free
speech. Top of
Page
MOM'S
DICTIONARY Airplane: What mom impersonates
to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets. Alien: What mom would suspect
had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after
itself. Apple: Nutricious lunchtime
dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. Baby: 1) Dad, when he gets
a cold. 2)
Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. Bathroom: A room used by
the entire family, believed by all except mom to be self-cleaning. Because: Mom's reason for
having kids do things which can't be explained logically. Bed & Breakfast: Two
things the kids will never make for themselves. Cook: 1) Act of preparing
food for consumption. 2)
Mom's other name. Couch Potato: What mom
finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. Date: Infrequent outings
with Dad where mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different
setting. Drinking Glass: Any carton
or bottle left open in the fridge. Eat: What kids do between
meals, but not at them. Empty Nest: See "Wishful
Thinking." Energy: Element of vitality
kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something. Eye: The highly susceptible
optic nerve which, according to mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow
to a carelessly handled butter knife. Fable: A story told by
a teenager arriving home after curfew. Garbage: A collection of
refuse items, the taking out of which mom assigns to a different family member
each week, then winds up doing herself. Hamper: A wicker container
with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty
clothing. Handi-Wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves,
drapes, etc. Top
of Page Men's
Rules The Rules If Men Were Allowed
To Re-Write Them: Rule # 1 - Anything we
said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become
null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 - If you don't
want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys. Rule # 3 - If we say something
that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other way. Rule # 4 - It is in neither
in your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid
Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 - Let us ogle.
If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you
are? Rule # 6 - Don't rub the
lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. (Nuff said?) Rule # 7 - You can either
ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not
both. Rule # 8 - Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Rule # 9 - Christopher
Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 - Women who wear
Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their
boobs stared at. Rule # 11 - When we're
turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is
our exit" is not necessary. Rule # 12 - Don't fake
it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. Top
of Page Snails A wife and her husband
were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited
about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she
realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her
husband to run down to the beach with the bucket
to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to
himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk
to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked
up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started
talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending
the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and
exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his
clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs
of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top
of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all
down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing
in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails
all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and
said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!" Top of
Page
Age
and Womanhood 1. Between the ages
of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. 2. Between 19 and
35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. 3. Between 36 and
45, she is like America, fully explored, breath takingly beautiful, and free
with her resources. 4. Between 46 and
56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. 5. After 56 she's
like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares! Top
of Page Women's
Advice to Men The
reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change
our underwear. The
next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll
to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. If we're
watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts. If the
truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. Whenever
possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the
movie. Don't
fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. Please
don't drive when you're not driving. Lay
off the beans several hours before bedtime. Our
bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
*teehee* (^_^) If
you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. The
next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused
by rubber-necking mini-skirts. If only
women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's
easy"? Stop
telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care. When
you're not around, I belch loudly, too. Start
parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the
'island' coming. Have
a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. Your
contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you
unselfishly sacrificed. Eye
contact is best established above our shoulder-level. Your
balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses. Top
of Page Twenty
New Management Styles 1) MANAGING BY WALKING
FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers
you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have
to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the
corner. 2) MANAGING BY STARING
OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually
meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When
you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the
windows. 3) MANAGING BY
POST-IT'S Some managers forget everything.
They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's
while you are talking. 4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION
TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate
everything to the secretary. If he is good, He knows what
she must do. 5) MANAGING BY KNOWING
NOTHING These managers don't really
know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time
with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases. 6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL
THINKING These people try to explain
the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never
will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk
about. 7) MANAGING BY
HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are
aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very
thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants
from category 5! 8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY
WHAT THE BOSS SAYS these managers prevent
their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to
do. 9) MANAGING BY WALKING
ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations
you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more
equal managers are directly followed
by the lesser equal managers, and so on. 10) MANAGING BY SMILING
AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with
them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop
your carreer anymore. 11) MANAGING
BY STUDYING Despite their continual
attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category
5. The longer they learn, the further they get from
the practice. 12) MANAGING BY CREATING
VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those
sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate
proof of their overall brilliance. 13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR
AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement
of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out
anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers
are. 14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING
WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is
very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an
employee can tell them in 15 minutes. 15) MANAGING BY HAVING
A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with
a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will
naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure. 16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY
USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is
ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication.) 17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ
WORDS These managers like to
bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. 18) MANAGING
BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is
nothing more to organize, they reorganize. 19) MANAGING
BY BELIEVING These managers must be
spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all. 20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING
PROMISES If you remind them to one
of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low
to remember.
