harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 3
Lucky Frog
Men's Rules
A Dog Called Sex
Dating Dictionary
Win, Place or Show
Randy the Rooster
Parking in Manhattan
Age and Womanhood
Ouch-this actually hurts Deductive Reasoning Men's Guide to Women
For Whom the Bell Tolls! Analytical Socioeconomics Turmoil Rocked Heaven
Bumper Stickers & T-shirts
Twenty New Management Styles
"Bad English" Signs Around the World
Adam and the Creation of the Woman
The Complete Guide to Blonde Jokes, ver. 5.0.1.
Does the first letter of your name describe your personality
The Woman's Guide to what a man really wants when he says...
The Man's Guide to what a woman really wants when she says...

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

   Adam and the Creation of the Woman
So God makes Adam and Adam walks through Eden, simply existing. But things in Eden get a little slow so God sez, "Adam for you I will create woman." Adam is interested. "She will be everything you could possibly want in a woman, she will be beautiful, professionally and financially successful, a great mother and awesome in bed." God has Adam's full attention. Adam wonders what he has done to fall under such good grace "But!", God says, "Its gonna cost ya an arm and a leg." Adam stops and thinks, "well God, that sounds like a pretty good deal but what can I get for a rib."
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For Whom the Bell Tolls!
Quasimodo had finally decided to retire and the Abbott placed an ad to find a new bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for the bell ringer's position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer, said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower. He got a running start and charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople flocked out of their houses crying "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!" So the Abbott hired the armless man and promptly asked him to ring the bell again. The man took a running start and promptly slipped on a banana peel (discarded from Quasimodo's lunch) and plunged over the parapet to his death. The townspeople were aghast and one called out "who was that man?" Quasimodo replied: "I don't know but his face rings a bell."  Unfortunately, this left the church without a bell ringer once again. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was
the dead man's brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother, declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally). The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The towns people came running into the square calling out " who rang that bell?
Such tone, such vibrato - hire him, hire him!! And the Abbott hired the brother. Noting that it was nearing 3:00 and time to ring the bell, the Abbott instructed the man to do the same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death. The Abbott turned to Quasimodo and asked: "who was that man?" Replied Quasimodo: "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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Lucky Frog
 A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.  He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,  "Ribbit. 9 Iron".  The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

 "Ribbit.  9 Iron."
 He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.   You must be a lucky frog, eh?"  The frog reply's "Ribbit.  Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" The man  asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.   The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say  ..
 By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,  "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit.

 Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
 The frog says,  "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,  the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.  The man takes his winnings and buys the best  room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know  how  to  repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."   The frog replies,  "Ribbit, Kiss Me."  He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.  With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.   "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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Dating Dictionary
ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in
him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her
FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping
with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that could service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
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Ouch-this actually hurts
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.  He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business.  They ignored her too.  The rival florist hired Hugh McGinnis, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.   Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so.  Thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

By george, I do believe Ive got it!
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A Dog Called Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for Sex told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said.. "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
"She is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married. I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my life  revolves around Sex." He said, He didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church..I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding..the next day..we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family is barred from the church then on.

When my wife and I went on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for Sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have sex on TV!"

He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separate, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her, a cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer--so lonely"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand Sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
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Men's Guide to Women
 * Single women complain that all good men are married,
 * All married women complain about their lousy husbands.
 * Q.E.D. - There is no such thing as a good man.


 * The female always makes the rules.
 * The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
 * No male can possibly know all the rules.
 * If the females suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
 * The female is never wrong.
 * If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
 * If the above applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
 * An apology without flowers is not an apology.
 * The female may change her mind at any time.
 * The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
 * The male may not point out that the women has changed her mind.
 * The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
 * The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
 * The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
 * The female is ready when she is ready.
 * The male must be ready at all times.
 * If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.
 * The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
 * The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
 * The male may not inquire about the women's time of the month.
 * The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
 * The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character.
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Win, Place or Show
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."
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Turmoil rocked Heaven
   Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

 In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

 Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegaly funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men".

 Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was  originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

 In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims  that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.

 Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
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Airplane: What mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.
Alien: What mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Apple: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
         2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except mom to be self-cleaning.
Because: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Cook: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
         2) Mom's other name.
Couch Potato: What mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Date: Infrequent outings with Dad where mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Empty Nest: See "Wishful Thinking."
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
Garbage: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Handi-Wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
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Men's Rules
The Rules If Men Were Allowed To Re-Write Them:
Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 - It is in neither in your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. (Nuff said?)
Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
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 A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.

They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
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Age and Womanhood
 1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
 2. Between 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
 3. Between 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breath takingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
 4. Between 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
 5. After 56 she's like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares!
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Women's Advice to Men
    The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our
     The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
    If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
    If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
    Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
    Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
    Please don't drive when you're not driving.
    Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
    Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. *teehee* (^_^)
     If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
     The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
    If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
    Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
    When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
    Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
    Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
    Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly
    Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
    Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
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Twenty New Management Styles
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good, He knows what she must do.
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
these managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal
managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
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