An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy" replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patiet recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? Answer- "sorry"
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the
fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
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On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher
asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting
as high as 37.
But Johnnie did extremely well, he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because
you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".
This confused him.
That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine
is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No son, "explained Dad, "That's because
you're 18!"
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Trick question: If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go?
What do you call a Canadian fireman? A Hoser
What's another name for a Canadian Mountee? Canadian Bacon.
Why does hockey only have three periods? Canadians can't count to four.
Maybe you'd like to know our top military secret. But I'm not going to tell
you where we hid the keys to
the boat.
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies
were lobbing hand
grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Why does Lucien Bouchard like the idea of Rita McNeil haveing a tattoo of
Canada on her ass?
Everytime she sits down Quebec seperates.
Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell
on him.
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2. Two friends were talking
one day about differences between countrymen.
One of them issued a challage to the other that he could
tell Canadians
apart from Americans.
"No way!" his friend exclaimed.
"Sure it's easy!" He told his friend to collect an random
ensemble
composed of Americans and Canadians and put them mixed
together in a room.
He would then boldly announce to the group "There is
no difference at
all between Americans and Canadians!".
The ones who objected would be the Canadians!
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they
only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted he only needed half
a head. The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "Hey, boss, there?s some asshole
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly
added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed
the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy
and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out trouble. You think on your
feet and we like that around here." The manager continued, "Where are you from
son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir".
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there!" said the boy.
"My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.
"Oh, really!" said the boy. "What team did she play for?"
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