harry leichter's funny stuff

A Lawyer and a Blonde
Asking Directions
At The Doctor's Office
Blond & Brunette
Blonde Daily Meditation
Blonde Novelty Store
Blonde On The Sun
Car Trouble
First Class
Florida or the Moon
Going Home Early
In A Vacuum
Question and Answers
Road Sign
See More Blonde Joke Pages
Sex Shop
She was sooooooooo Blonde
Speeding Ticket
Still Winning
The Blonde Jokes Index
The Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes!
The Lie Detector Chair
Three Women
Two Blondes
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
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Two blondes were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.
Florida or the Moon

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

At The Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

Blonde Novelty Store

A blonde walked into a novelty store.

She saw a shiny thermos and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

The blonde was so impressed, she bought one. She got home, and could not wait to show off her new thermos to her co- workers.

She walked into work that day. It was not long before one of her peers asked what that shiny thing was. The blond said, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

Her co-worker asked, "Well, what do you have in it now?" The blond proudly said, "A Popsicle and two cups of coffee."
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Blonde On The Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

In A Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

The Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Blond and Brunette
Blond and Brunette are watching the news.
The blond says to the brunette,"I bet you $100 that the man won't jump off the building."
Brunette takes the bet, and the man jumps.
Brunette says, "No, I can't take your money, I saw this before and I knew he jumped."
The blond says, "I saw it before, too, but I didn't think he would jump again."
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Three Women
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted.....Ready.....Aim..... and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests.

She said no, and the executioner shouted....Ready...Aim...... and suddenly the redhead yelled..... "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.

Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted  ....Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
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Question and Answers

Q: What goes: "Vroom." "Screech." "Vroom." "Screech." "Vroom." "Screech."
A: A Blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: What does a blonde say when the Doctor tells her she is pregnant?
A: Is it mine?

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q:   Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A:   She was throwing away too many W's.

Q:   Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A:   She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q:   What did the blonde get on her college entrance exam?
A:   Nail polish.

Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A:   Spot.

Q:   What's it called when one blonde blows in another one's ear?
A:   Data transfer.

Q:   What did the blonde say to the buxom waitress after reading her nametag?
A:   "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q:   Did you hear about the blondes that were found frozen to death in their
car at a drive-in?
A:   They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q:   Why won't they hire any blondes as a pharmacist?
A:   They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q:  What do blondes and cow pies have in common
A:  The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

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Still Winning
  There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.  She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
  Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine.  Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
  She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button.  Out came a Mountain Dew.

  As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.  "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

  She looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well Duhhh!  I'm still winning."

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Your Wife

Two Blondes
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down.

"Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
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A professor had this lie detecting chair. 

Whenever anybody sitting on it would tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground.  So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down.

The professor asked her to tell about herself.  She began, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in this region, and perhaps even in the whole world!", immediately after saying that the chair opened up and she landed flat on her butt. 

She stormed out, at which time a young blonde was invited in to sit.

She sat down and was invited to tell about herself.

She began, "I think...", and suddenly the chair opened up and she fell flat on her butt!
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Blonde Daily Meditation
Three blondes just died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the firsts blonde, "What is Easter?"

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy. It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful....."

"Wrong" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question.

"What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by large boulder."

St. Peter, very impressed and excited then asks, "That's correct. What happens next?"

The blonde replies, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Sex Shop
A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
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She was sooooooooo Blonde.................
* she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
* she thought a quarterback was a refund
* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
* she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
* she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
* under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* she tried to drown a fish
* she tripped over a cordless phone
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
* she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
* she got stabbed in a shoot-out
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
* she sat on the tv and watched the couch
* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
* if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
* they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
* it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
* if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
* she studied for a blood test - and failed
* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
* she sold the car for gas money
* when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
* she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
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A lawyer and a blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says,"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth  to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her$50.The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Asking Directions
A blonde is walking down a creek.
While she's looking around she notices Judi walking along the other side of the creek.
She yells to the other blonde. "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"Judi replies, "You are on the other side!"
The Blonde & Headphones
    Did you hear about the blonde that always wore headphones?  Her friends asked why and she said...because I will die if I don't wear them!  They said..yah, right!
    So one day she went to the beauty shop.  Peter, the hairdresser says...You have to take off your headphones or I can't do your hair! She says...  No, I can't I'll die!  He assures her she won't and FINALLY she takes them off!  About 45 seconds later she passes out!
    They work and work on her but she can't be revived.  After they take her away, Peter sees the headphones. What did she listen to that was SO important...he wondered?
     So he put on the headphones and heard..... Breathe in.....breathe out......breathe in........breathe out.......

A blonde was driving home after church and passed a sign that said, "CLEAN RESTROOMS
12 MILES".

By the time she had driven twelve miles, she had cleaned 57 restrooms.

The Lie Detector Chair

A professor had this lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting on it would tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground.

So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down. The professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in this region, and perhaps even in the whole world!", immediately after saying that the chair opened up and she landed flat on her butt. She stormed out, at which time a young blonde was invited in to sit. She sat down and was invited to tell about herself. She began, "I think..." and suddenly the chair opened up and she fell flat on her butt!
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First Class

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and
I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class wasn't going to London."

Going Home Early
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.   Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.  One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind  her.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.  She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!  Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed.  "I almost got caught yesterday!!"

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