harry leichter's funny stuff

political humor
Nixon & Clinton
Saving Billy
Sleeping Beauty
The Concept of Politics
The Patch
The Top 16 Ski Slope Safety Tips
Top Ten Reasons
White House Dr. Seuss
White House Internship Application
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The Top 16 Ski Slope Safety Tips
16. If your family name means "Great Tragedy" in Gaelic, stick to the hot tub.
15. If you follow in someone else's tracks, make sure they aren't a squirrel's.
14. Evergreens merely sneer at diplomatic immunity.
13. Keep your mind on the slope in front of you and quit wondering what new plastic surgery your ex-wife has had.
12. Pants should remain in the "up" position when descending.
11. Do NOT attempt to chase British secret agents.  They have the annoying habit of hiding near treacherous cliffs.
10. Guys, watch the slopes, not the women: otherwise, wood might be sporting you.
 9. Boogie boarder Dirk Diggler must keep his zipper zipped at all times.
 8. A good codpiece is more than just a fashion accessory.
 7. Always remember: In cartoons, when someone skis toward a tree and their legs get REAL long so the tree can go under-- that's just pretend!
 6. Safety, schmafety!  Are we gonna play football or what?!
 5. Baseball stadium "beer hats" much safer on the slopes than those pesky hip flasks.
 4. Under no circumstances should you take skiing lessons from George of the Jungle.
 3. Don't ski with Ted - He's only looking for the St. Bernard.
 2. You can save considerable out-of-pocket expenses by hitting a tree that has been pre-approved by your HMO.
     and the Number 1 Ski Slope Safety Tip...
  1. This is your brain.  This is your brain on bark.
Top of Page

White House Dr. Seuss
(Rhymes like the Cat in the Hat poem.)

I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see
Did you grope Miss Lewinsky.
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?

I did not do that here or there.
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that near or far.
I did not do that Starr-you-are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
when called upon to testify?

I do not like you Starr-you-are.
I think that you have gone too far!
I will not answer any more.
Perhaps I will go start a war!
The public's easy to distract.
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
Top of Page

Clinton Story
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked.  He said that he was pleased.He also said that she was in great shape, but that she was pregnant!
  She told the doctorthere was no way! He told her most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office & went to the receptionist & took the phone called the house. When the operator answered ,she said that it was Hillary & she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office & Bill answered.Hillary started screaming:" Do you know what you did you lousy jerk? You got me pregnant!!!
   The president remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted. "Do you know what you did?
Finally, Bill answered, "Who is this????"
Top of Page

Nixon & Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
 Top of Page

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
    "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
    "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
    "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
    "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
    "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
    "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
    Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
    Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
    In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
    In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"
Top of Page

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past president, thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."
Top of Page

Abortion Bill
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President."It's about this abortion bill Mr. President..what do you want to do about it?" the aide asks."Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President. Top of Page

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

  The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

  Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

  Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

  Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."

  Clinton: "Do you think we have time?"
Top of Page

Clinton's Clock in Heaven
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.

On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Top of Page

The Concept of Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has told him. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit."
Top of Page

Saving Billy
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"
Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?"
"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too."
After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"
"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!" Top of Page

The Patch
President Bill Clinton, while traveling in Chile today, was noted to have a pair of women's panties strapped to his arm.  One reporter, sensing a story, asked him what the significance of that little item might be.

"Oh that," he replied.  "It's just a patch.  I'm trying to quit!"
Top of Page

White House Internship Application
Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 9th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program?
Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president....
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Sex: F______
Measurements: (required for medical reasons)
How many beers it takes to get you...
Giggly: _________
Drunk: ________
Hot: ________
To lie to a federal prosecutor:________
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
1 point for each a,
2 for each b,
3 for each c,
4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.
Scores of 12 and above, please call soon; Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Top of Page

Money from the Sky
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Top of Page

Dear Mom and Dad:
 It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss  in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you  up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read  any further unless you are sitting down ... OK?

 Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory  when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well  healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see  almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

 Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by  an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm,  he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

 Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.

 I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.

 His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

 I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no manof another race in my life.

 However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

 Your loving daughter,

 P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!
  P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.
Top of Page

Lewinsky/Kaczynski Limerick Challenge
 Requirements: to use the name Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"*.
(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred race horse, not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)

(The Portland, Oregon perspective)
"Oh hell!" cried out David Kaczynski,
On being upstaged by Lewinsky.
"My cause is lost, truly.
I'll call Jeff Gilooley,
and we can bomb Tara Lipinsky."
Top of Page

Fortune Telling
Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to her,"Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent death."Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?"
Top of Page

Top Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!
Top of Page

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at  Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the  window right now and make one person very happy."

 Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

 Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

 Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

(This was from someone who does not like Clinton. How about humor about republicans.)
Top of Page

a Quiz

  1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
  2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
  3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
  4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
  5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
  6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
  7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
  8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
  9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
  10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)?
  11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
  12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?









1. John F. Kennedy 2. Bill Clinton 3. Lyndon B. Johnson 
4. Thomas Jefferson  5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson 
7. George Washington  8. Franklin D. Roosevelt  9. Warren G. Harding 
10. John F. Kennedy  11. Lyndon B. Johnson  12. Lyndon B. Johnson
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.     - Henry Kissinger   Top of Page

Eleventh Commandment
Clinton and G-d
 Moses was complaining to Go that the Ten Commandments didn't seem to cover all the offenses that Clinton was committing.  It seemed that another commandment was needed to cover what he was doing.
 G-d agreed and said that he would get back to Moses right away.

 The next day, G-d said unto Moses, "Moses, henceforth, there shall be an eleventh commandment: 'Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff'."

top of this page back to the Jokes homepage
fuse bomb
Site Designed and Maintained by
Haruth Communications

eXTReMe Tracker