Remember...these
Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The
Top 16 Ski Slope Safety Tips
16. If your family
name means "Great Tragedy" in Gaelic, stick to the hot tub.
15. If you follow in someone else's tracks, make sure they
aren't a squirrel's.
14. Evergreens
merely sneer at diplomatic immunity.
13. Keep your mind on the slope in front of you and quit
wondering what new plastic surgery
your ex-wife has had.
12. Pants should
remain in the "up" position when descending.
11. Do NOT attempt
to chase British secret agents. They have the annoying habit of hiding
near treacherous cliffs.
10. Guys, watch the slopes, not the women: otherwise, wood
might be sporting you.
9. Boogie boarder Dirk Diggler must keep his zipper
zipped at all times.
8. A good
codpiece is more than just a fashion accessory.
7. Always remember: In cartoons, when someone skis
toward a tree and their legs get REAL long so the tree can go under-- that's
just pretend!
6. Safety,
schmafety! Are we gonna play football or what?!
5. Baseball
stadium "beer hats" much safer on the slopes than those pesky hip flasks.
4. Under no circumstances should you take skiing
lessons from George of the Jungle.
3. Don't ski with Ted - He's only looking for the
St. Bernard.
2. You can save considerable out-of-pocket expenses
by hitting a tree that has
been pre-approved by your HMO.
and the Number 1 Ski Slope Safety
Tip...
1. This
is your brain. This is your brain on bark.
Top of
Page White
House Dr. Seuss
(Rhymes like
the Cat in the Hat poem.)
Starr:
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see
Did you grope Miss Lewinsky.
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Clinton:
I did not do that here or there.
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that near or far.
I did not do that Starr-you-are!
Starr:
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
when called upon to testify?
Clinton:
I do not like you Starr-you-are.
I think that you have gone too far!
I will not answer any more.
Perhaps I will go start a war!
The public's easy to distract.
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
Top of
Page
Clinton
Story
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished,
she asked her gynecologist
how things looked. He said that he was pleased.He also said that she was
in great shape, but that she was pregnant!
She told the doctorthere was no way! He told her
most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office & went to the receptionist & took
the phone called the house. When the operator answered ,she said that it was
Hillary & she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval
office & Bill answered.Hillary started screaming:" Do you know what you did
you lousy jerk? You got me pregnant!!!
The president remained silent. Again, Hillary
shouted. "Do you know what
you did?
" YOU @#!^^**# GOOD FOR NOTHING JERK!!!! YOU GOT ME
PREGNANT!!!
Finally, Bill
answered, "Who is this????"
Top of PageNixon & Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest
fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried
about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice
President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't
stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't
explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief
case
Nixon: His nickname
was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known
for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's
the one!"
Nixon: Famous
for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well
acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took
on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked
about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her Top of Page
Sleeping
Beauty, Tom Thumb
and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
"I
am the most beautiful person in
the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan
and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the
world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty
and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person
in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb
and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three
were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the
smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them
all to his palace, where he announced
he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not
a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world,
Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as
quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin
agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a
half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught,
muttering, "Who the hell is Bill
Clinton?" Top
of PageClinton,
distraught and contemplating
his latest scandal was walking through Washington
looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks
up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold,
a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START
OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past president, thinks he'll
try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and
utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what
can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE,
ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited
he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to
the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in
me and they no longer trust me. What should
I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO
THE THEATER." Top
of PageAbortion
Bill
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office
to see one of his aides nervously
approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President."It's about this abortion
bill Mr. President..what do you want to do about it?" the aide asks."Just go
ahead and pay it." responds the President. Top of Page Reagan,
Nixon and Clinton are
on the Titanic.
Clinton's
Clock in Heaven
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St.
Peter, so, upon passing the entrance
test, St. Peter
says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show
you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library,
the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full
of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone
on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock
runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the
Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of
the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter
explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one
last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center
of the ceiling.
On this clock, both
hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story
with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St.
Peter replies, "That's Bill's clock. We decided to use it as a fan." Top of Page
The
Concept of
Politics
A little boy
goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well
son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your mom, she's the administrator of the money,
so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs,
so we'll call
you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see
if that makes
sense."
So the little
boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has told him. Later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he
peeks
in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept
of politics now."
The father says, "Good
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The
little boy replies, "Well,
while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound
asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit." Top
of Page
Saving
Billy
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington,
DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the
voice of a man crying out, "Help,
Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence,
and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning
in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool,
then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes,
Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing
to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as
President!"The first fellow thinks
for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you
get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said
the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"
Then the second
fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?"
"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers
for it this afternoon, too."
After a few moments
more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington
National Cemetery?"
Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then
said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such
things?"
"Nope," replied
the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did
today, he's going to kill me!" Top of Page The
Patch
President Bill Clinton, while traveling in Chile today,
was noted to have a pair of women's
panties strapped to his arm. One reporter, sensing a story, asked him what
the significance of that little item might be.
"Oh that," he replied. "It's
just a patch. I'm trying to quit!" Top of Page
White
House Internship
Application
Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our
program is heading into its 9th year of bringing America's best and brightest
to the Nation's Capitol to help
the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one
yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding,
yet rewarding program?
Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political
scene of the hottest city
in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers
and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't
show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential
activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial
from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the
job answering phones and fetching coffee,
there I was, debriefing the president....
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just
fantastic." M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills,
Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than
long hours, hot debates and touchy
national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send
it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F______
Age:
Measurements:
(required for medical reasons)
How many beers
it takes to get you...
Giggly: _________
Drunk: ________
Hot: ________
To lie to a federal
prosecutor:________
Quick quiz:
You've always
considered the White House:
a) a monument
to democracy
b) the place
where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely
erotic
Hillary Clinton
is a(n):
a) model wife
and mother
b) icon of late
20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know
more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood
in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument
to democracy"
My social life
as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown
bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights
working at the White House
d) late nights
working the White House
Score:
1 point for each
a,
2 for each b,
3 for each c,
4 for each d.
Scores of 16
can start tomorrow.
Scores of 12 and above, please call soon; Uncle Sam wants
you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know
who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity
employer. Top
of Page Money
from the Sky
Al Gore and the
Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window
right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff
shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window
and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her
perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one
hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls
her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out
the window and make the whole country happy." Top of Page
Dear
Mom and Dad:
It has been four
months since I left for
college.
I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness.
I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
Don't read any
further unless you are sitting down ... OK?
Good. I am getting
along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping
out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after
my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the
hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches
a day.
Fortunately,
the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and
the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere
to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite
me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it
is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love
and
are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm
sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes,
Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love
and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in
our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us
from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from
him. This
will
soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.
I
know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also,
he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know,
after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that
you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are.
I am
sure you will love him as I do.
His family
background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village.
I
guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want
you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a
concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am
not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not
have
syphilis
and there is no manof another race in my life.
However, I am
getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see
these marks in their proper perspective.
Your
loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford
is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!
P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the
others. Top of Page
Lewinsky/Kaczynski
Limerick Challenge
Requirements: to use the name Lewinsky and Kaczynski
in a limerick
There once was
a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
***
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and
Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
There was a
young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"*.
(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred race horse, not to be confused
with the ballet dancer.)
(The Portland,
Oregon perspective)
"Oh hell!" cried out David Kaczynski,
On being upstaged by Lewinsky.
"My cause is lost, truly.
I'll call Jeff Gilooley,
and we can bomb Tara Lipinsky." Top of Page
Fortune
Telling
Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to
her,"Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent
death."Mrs. Clinton
takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?" Top
of Page Top
Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the
sack.
9. If you get
tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier
you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it
to you.
6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone
else.
5. If you get
a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're
kinky.
3. Doesn't matter
if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt
the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next
door! Top
of Page
$100.00
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill
looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right
now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well,
I
could throw ten $10.00 bills out the
window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and
says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window
and make a hundred people
very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, "I could throw all of you
out the window and make the whole country happy."
(This was from someone who does not like Clinton. How about
humor about republicans.)
Top
of Page
a
Quiz
Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl
while he joked about being too wasted
to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
Which president allegedly
had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America
pageant?
Which president made love to one of his secretaries
stretched out atop a desk in the oval
office?
Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as
children) with a slave who was his
wife's half sister?
Which president
called his mistress "Pookie"?
Which president married a woman who hadn't
yet divorced her first husband and was branded
an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
Which future president
wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged
to someone else?
Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's
personal secretary?
Which president made love to a young woman in a White
House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented
the hysterical first lady from attacking
them?
Which president made love in a closet while telling
his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one
in Question 9)?
Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt
that HIS record of sexual conquests
was more impressive than the president's?
Which future president, while
a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which
he named "Jumbo")? ANSWER
1. John F.
Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon
B. Johnson
4. Thomas
Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew
Jackson
7. George
Washington
8. Franklin
D. Roosevelt
9. Warren
G. Harding
10. John F.
Kennedy
11. Lyndon
B. Johnson
12. Lyndon
B. Johnson
No one will
ever win the
battle
of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with
the enemy. - Henry Kissinger Top
of Page
Eleventh
Commandment
Clinton and G-d
Moses was complaining to Go that the Ten Commandments
didn't seem to cover all the offenses
that Clinton was committing. It seemed that another commandment was
needed
to cover what he was doing.
G-d agreed and said that he would get back to Moses
right away.
The next
day, G-d said unto Moses, "Moses, henceforth, there shall be an eleventh commandment:
'Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff'."
