harry leichter's funny stuff

Page 31

Fitness Tips
The Life Cycle
Flight Simulator
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
The Top 10 Reasons Its Called A Tampon
Let's face it: English is an Irrational Language
Instant Yiddish
Signs of theTimes
Small Town Doctors
Cajun 12 Days of Christmas
English as a Second Language
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Flight Simulator  
The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix -- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.) The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035   

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock. 

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon) 

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper. 

Texas executes last remaining citizen. 

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped. 

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. 

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. 

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. 

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036. 

The Top 10 Reasons Its Called A Tampon  
10) Cause "Doohickey With Wings" was taken. 
9) Well...cause it flows. 
8) Acronym for "Tackling A Menstrual Problem Over Night". 
7) Lamest name available..at least until Maxi Pad came out. 
6) Named for Erik Von Tampon, the Little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dyke to stop the flood. 
5) Makes a great clapper like joke..Tampon (clap, clap), Tampoff. 
4) Because the Ad Campaign for "Thing on a String" sucked. 
3) Acronym for Treating A Monthly Period Obviously Neatly. 
2) Cause "Better Late Than Never" scared a lot of people. 
1) Cause "The Quicker Picker-Upper" was taken by the folks over at BOUNTY! 
Fitness Tips   
   Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
   A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

  Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
   A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. 

   Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? 
   A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: 
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. 

   Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
   A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. 
   If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

   Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. 

   Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? 
   A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. 

   Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
   A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

   Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? 
   A: Thicker gravy. 

   Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
   A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had

Small Town Doctors   
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
 This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to  "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go. 
 So they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".  Thumbs down again. 
 So they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."  Still not good. 
 So they tried "Minds and Behinds".  Unacceptable again. 
 So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes".  Still no go. 
 Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," 
 "Queers and Rears," 
 "Nuts and Butts," 
 "Freaks and Cheeks," 
 or "Loons and Moons" 
 So they finally settled on 
 "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, - - - Odds and Ends"
Cajun 12 Days of Christmas  
Day 1....Dear Emile,
Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it last night with dirty rice an' it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.

Day 2....Dear Emile,
Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. 
Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3....Dear Emile,
Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4....Dear Emile,
Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.

Day 5....Dear Emile,
You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6.... Dear Emile,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.

Day 7....Dear Emile, 
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8....Dear Emile,
Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.

Day 9....Dear Emile,
What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.

Day 10....Dear Emile,
You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be "ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.

Day 11....Dear Emile,
Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don't open it.

Day 12....Dear Emile,
Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollars next year...

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York several days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. 
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Instant Yiddish  
   Vay ish meer 
  An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering. 

  An endearing term of love which literally means "little man."  An emasculating term for women to call men; if you think about it. 

  A tasty mix of congealed fish and transparent slime jelly. Only fortunate Jews and lepers indulge in this delicacy. 

  The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. 

  A derogatory term which best translates into English as "crazy bastard." 
  Often refers to business associates and in-laws. 

  A lady of the evening, call-girl, prostitute or, sled dog. The most sacred word in Yiddish to a Jewish man. 

  A yummy blend of overcooked noodles, raisens, and curds of ripe cheese. 
  Not fun to look at. 

  A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Always eaten by elderly Jews who slurp noisily. 

  Also referred to as matzoh balls. It is a food substance made with styrofoam and sponges. 

  A man who always loses, messes things up, can't do anything right and always feels miserable. An unfortunate asshole. 

  A word used to refer to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Most commonly used word in the Yiddish language. 

  Potato pancakes fried in castor oil, breadbits, and lightly seasoned with balsa wood. Smells like old boxer shorts. 

  The cultural center and festival site of all great Jewish communities. Sheer murder just before a Jewish Holiday. 

  Ken a hora
  A gleeful rejoice which means "Thank God". Usually used when Jewish parents find out their 
  children aren't going to marry that poor, unemployed gentile. 

  People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on their twinkie.

The Life Cycle  
On the first day God created the cow.  God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty. And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.  God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.  God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.  I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?  I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" and God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.  God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy.  Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.  I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What?  Only twenty years?  No way man! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back.  That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do
monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

English as a Second Language  
the following signs have been found in various locations, using the English language somewhat creatively...

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
at a Budapest Zoo:
please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctor's office, Rome:
specialist in women and other diseases.
Hotel, Acapulco:
the manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
cooles and heates: if you want condition of warm air your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
when passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
to stop leak turn cock to the right
in a Nairobi restaurant:
customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the grounds of a private school:
no trespassing without permission
on an Athi River Highway:
take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom:
are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
In a city restaurant:
open seven days a week, and weekends too.
One of the Mathare buildings:
mental health prevention centre.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
do not activate with wet hands.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
no children allowed.
In a cemetery
persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Tokyo bar:
special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
please do not bring solicitors into your room.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
this hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
the lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
the flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Hotel, Japan:
you are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery:
you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country people's fashion.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
for your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
From the "soviet weekly": 
there will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were in an east African newspaper:
a new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
Hotel, Vienna:
in case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
it is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
Hotel, Zurich:
because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A laundry in Rome:
ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
would you like to ride on your own ass?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
special today - no ice-cream.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
we take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
if this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Let's face it: English is an Irrational Language  
  There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.

  We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes, we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

  If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
  If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

  If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat?

  Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
  Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

  And more ... Some food for "Thought".

  If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

  Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites ?
  Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things ?

  If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
  Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed ?

  Why is it that if someone tells you that there are1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

  If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented

Signs of theTimes   
Over a gynecologist's office: 
Dr. Jones, at your cervix. 

On a plumber's truck: 
We repair what your husband fixed. 

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: 
Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber. 

Pizza shop slogan: 
7 days without pizza makes one weak. 

Outside a muffler shop: 
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. 

In a veterinarian's waiting room: 
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! 

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: 
We can help you pick your nose! 

On an electrician's truck: 
Let us remove your shorts. 

In a non-smoking area: 
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate 

On a maternity room door: 

At an optometrist's office: 
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. 

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait. 

Sticker on a grave digger's bumper:
We're the last ones to let you down. 

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