The Life Cycle
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
The Top 10 Reasons Its Called A Tampon
Let's face it: English is an Irrational Language
Signs of theTimes
Small Town Doctors
Cajun 12 Days of Christmas
English as a Second Language
|The reuse of some object-oriented
code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual
reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training,
programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their
scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern
Territory's Operation Phoenix -- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed
animals might well give away a helicopter's position).
The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.
Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.) The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.
|Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035|
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
|The Top 10 Reasons Its Called A Tampon|
|10) Cause "Doohickey With
Wings" was taken.
9) Well...cause it flows.
8) Acronym for "Tackling A Menstrual Problem Over Night".
7) Lamest name available..at least until Maxi Pad came out.
6) Named for Erik Von Tampon, the Little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dyke to stop the flood.
5) Makes a great clapper like joke..Tampon (clap, clap), Tampoff.
4) Because the Ad Campaign for "Thing on a String" sucked.
3) Acronym for Treating A Monthly Period Obviously Neatly.
2) Cause "Better Late Than Never" scared a lot of people.
1) Cause "The Quicker Picker-Upper" was taken by the folks over at BOUNTY!
I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Is beer or wine bad for me?
How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
Aren't fried foods bad for you?
What's the secret to healthy eating?
Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
|Small Town Doctors|
|Two doctors opened offices
in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry
and Proctology". The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign,
so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go.
So they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again.
So they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good.
So they tried "Minds and Behinds". Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes". Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts,"
"Queers and Rears,"
"Nuts and Butts,"
"Freaks and Cheeks,"
or "Loons and Moons"
So they finally settled on
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, - - - Odds and Ends"
|Cajun 12 Days of Christmas|
|Day 1....Dear Emile,
Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it last night with dirty rice an' it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
6.... Dear Emile,
in Phoenix calls his son in New York several days before Thanksgiving
and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing
- forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering.
|The Life Cycle|
|On the first day God
created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty. And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" and God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and
do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support
our family; for the next ten years we do
|English as a Second Language|
|the following signs have been found in
various locations, using the English language somewhat creatively...
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
at a Budapest Zoo:
please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctor's office, Rome:
specialist in women and other diseases.
the manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
cooles and heates: if you want condition of warm air your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
when passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
to stop leak turn cock to the right
in a Nairobi restaurant:
customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the grounds of a private school:
no trespassing without permission
on an Athi River Highway:
take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom:
are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
In a city restaurant:
open seven days a week, and weekends too.
One of the Mathare buildings:
mental health prevention centre.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
do not activate with wet hands.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
no children allowed.
In a cemetery
persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Tokyo bar:
special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
please do not bring solicitors into your room.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
this hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
the lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
please leave your values at the front desk.
the flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
you are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery:
you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country people's fashion.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
for your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
From the "soviet weekly":
there will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were in an east African newspaper:
a new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
in case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
it is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A laundry in Rome:
ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
would you like to ride on your own ass?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
special today - no ice-cream.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
we take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
if this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
|Let's face it: English is an Irrational Language|
| There is no egg
in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple
in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes, we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the teacher
taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
Why do people
recite at a play yet play at a recital?
And more ... Some food for "Thought".
If love is
blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why are a wise
man and a wise guy opposites ?
means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed ?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented
|Signs of theTimes|
|Over a gynecologist's
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
On a plumber's truck:
On the trucks of a
local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
Pizza shop slogan:
Outside a muffler
In a veterinarian's
Door of a plastic
On an electrician's
In a non-smoking area:
On a maternity room
At an optometrist's
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
Sticker on a grave