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| Murphy's Other Laws - Facts of life | |
| * Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. * It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. * Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. * The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. * It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. * Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. * You can't have everything - where would you put it? * Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. * If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. * Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. * The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. * Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. * Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. * Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. * As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. * When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! * A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. * It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. * The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. * Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. Top of Page |
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| Funny Quotes | |
| Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't
know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's
job and I don't want it. In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts? We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All
the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will
choose your rest home. There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I
know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked." If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and give her a house. The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time. |
|
| Shipwrecked | |
An ambitious guy finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life....'til the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After aboutfour months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her: "Where did you come
from? |
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| Oil Changes by Gender.... | |
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Women: Men: |
|
| Flood | |
| One
night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the
resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him
he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!" |
|
| SENILITY PRAYER | |
| God
grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter; I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. Top of Page |
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| Sayings | |
| Never
be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it. I am a nutritional overachiever I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. Practice safe eating--always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. A gentleman is one who knows how to play the accordion . . . and doesn't. Top of Page |
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| Airline Humor | |
| Occasionally,
airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with you with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." 17. On a Value Jet flight: "Sorry for the delay, but the machine that rips the handles off your luggage is down and we are having it repaired." 18. On Southwest: "For those of you who haven't been in an automobile since
1965, we will now explain how to use your "seat belt." |
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| English System Conversions/Units | |
|
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I. V. League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
Bananosecond 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 365.25 days: 1 unicycle 2200 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 10 monologs: 5 dialogs 5 dialogs: 1 decalog 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2 wharves: 1 paradox 100 Senators: Not 1 decision |
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| A Mustache Can Cost You Beer | |
| LONDON
(Reuters) - The sight of British men in pubs wiping the froth from
their mustaches after drinking a pintmay soon be a thing of
the past according to brewer Guinness they are wasting nearly half
a million pounds of their stout a year.
New scientific research commissioned by Guinness (DGE.L) showed that between
them, an estimated 92,370 ``A genuine mustache has been proven to contribute to a significant Guinness wastage, as a result of inter-fiberretention at every sip,'' the company said in a statement. For those trying to count the cost of their mustache, the average Guinness drinker with a mustache like sportspresenter Des Lynam is losing over 12 pounds a year, while those with a goatee like pop singer George Michael are nine pounds out of pocket. A full beard could cost you around 23 pounds in lost Guinness although
the research showed that the amountvaries according to the thickness
of the facial hair. |
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| Men and Women | |
| WOMEN: Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, They carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. Woman have special qualities about them. They volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They stick a love note in their Lovers lunch box. They do without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. MEN |
|
| 40-ish | |
| If
you are at least 40-ish, you'll enjoy some of these.
1970: Long Hair 1970: Keg. 1970: Acid Rock. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 1970: Growing pot. 1970: Douglas Street bridge. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 1970: Paar. 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 1970: Killer weed. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 1970: The Grateful Dead. 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 1970: Screw the system! 1970: Peace sign. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 1970: Take acid. 1970: Passing the driver's test. 1970: "Whatever" |
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| SALES PRODUCTIVITY | |
| A
young man walked into a major department store looking for a job, but
he didn't have a resume with him. "Do you have any experience?" the sales manager asked him. "Yes," he replied. "I was a salesman back home." "Okay," said the sales manager. "You're hired, but you'll be on probation at first. Start tomorrow, and at the end of the day report to me for a progress evaluation." "Will do," said the young man. The next afternoon he showed up at the sales manager's door. "Let's see," said the young man, looking at his receipt, "it came to $101,476.75." "You're kidding," said the sales manager. "That's a new one-day record! "Well, first I sold him a small fishhook. Then I talked him into
a medium-size fishhook. Then I kept talking to him, and I got him to
buy a large fishhook and a box of fishing tackle. Then I sold him a brand-new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was planning to go fishing,
and he said down to the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat. We
went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin-engine ChrisCraft
and all the accessories that go with it. Then we got to talking, and
he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would be able totow the boat, so
I took him down to the automotive department, and I sold him a brand-new
fully-loaded Chevy "Do you mean to tell me," the sales manager said, astonished, "that a man came into this store to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a boat and a truck worth more than a hundred thousand dollars?" "No," the young man said, "he came in to buy his wife a box of tampons, and I told him as long as your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing." |
|
| Ribbit | |
| A
man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit
9 Iron." The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his
life and " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game
the man figures what the heck. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." With the kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. |
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