| News from Europe | |
| While
motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came
up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While
he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer
tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart
drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports
car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled
and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by
punching the horse in the head.
In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. An unidentified English
woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the
bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins
in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins
when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and
knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen
table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom
cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to
her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the
cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I
was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and
departed. |
|
| Fast Cars | |
| A
hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO -- the best and
most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin, and while stopping for a red light, an
old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WHHHOOOOSH-KA-BOOOOM!!! He is jolted back as it plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man weakly looks up and replies, "Yes there is, son. Could you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" Top of Page |
|
| Calling in "Sick" | |
| Calling
in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid
reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. simply mentioned
that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem,
but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is
dead. You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It
is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without
respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at
the Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got
your tongue?" If they had only known. |
|
| A Woman's Definitions of Everyday Words | |
|
ARGUMENT
(ar*gyou*ment)n. AIRHEAD
(er*hed)n. BAR-BE-QUE
(bar*bi*q)n. BLONDE
JOKES (blond joks)n. CANTALOUPE
(kant*e*lope)n. CLOTHES
DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n. DIET
SODA (dy*it so*da)n. ETERNITY
(e*ter*ni*tee)n. EXERCISE
(ex*er*siz)v. GROCERY
LIST (grow*ser*ee list)n. HAIR
DRESSER (hare dres*er)n. HARDWARE
STORE (hard*war stor)n. CHILDBIRTH
(child*brth)n. LIPSTICK
(lip*stik)n. PARK
(park)v./n. PATIENCE (pa*shens)n. The
most important ingredient WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah)n. VALENTINE'S
DAY (val*en*tinez dae)n. |
|
| LESSON #1 | |
| A
crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all
day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. LESSON #2 |
|
| Medieval Geometry | |
| There
were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an
island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting
over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send
their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three knights sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms. This just proved that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. Top of Page |
|
| Stranded on a Desert Island | |
| One
day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly
not a ship," he
thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly,
emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long
has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She
reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long
drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!" She then asks
him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling,
he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket
on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the
flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then
she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've
played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord
God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!" Top of Page |
|
| Airline Humor | |
| Occasionally,
airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!" Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways." |
|
| How to Speak About Women and be Politically Correct: | |
| She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PICTORIALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER Top of Page |
|
| Showering by Gender | |
How
To Shower Like a Woman:
How To Shower Like A Man:
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|
| Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned: | |
| 1.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. You can't trust a dog to watch your food. 5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac. 6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 8. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. |
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| Great Truths About Life that Adults have Learned: | |
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