harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 29

Fast Cars
Calling in Sick
Women's Definitions
Showering by Gender
Great Truths that Adults Learn
About Women & be politically correct
Airline Humor
News from Europe
Medieval Geometry
Lessons One and Two
Stranded on a Desert Island
Great Truths that Little Children Learn
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

News from Europe  
While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.  While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head.

In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.  As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.  Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
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Fast Cars  
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO -- the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
 The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
 "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
WHHHOOOOSH-KA-BOOOOM!!! He is jolted back as it plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man weakly looks up and replies, "Yes there is, son. Could you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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Calling in "Sick"  
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a  valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.  simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call  out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."

You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts  going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."  So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its  gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling  objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and  stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was  most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine  region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.  Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising  upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly  stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the  situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a  "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"  option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.   It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never  made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact  knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to  conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
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A Woman's Definitions of Everyday Words  

                      ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment)n.
               A discussion that occurs when you're right,
                      but he just hasn't realized it yet.

                             AIRHEAD (er*hed)n.
                   What a woman intentionally becomes
                     when pulled over by a policeman.

                         BAR-BE-QUE (bar*bi*q)n.
              You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
                  chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
             marinated the meat and cleaned everything up,
                        but, HE, "made the dinner."

                      BLONDE JOKES (blond joks)n.
                              Jokes that are short
                        so men can understand them.

                      CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope)n.
                               Gotta get married
                                   in a church.

                   CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n.
                            An appliance designed
                                  to eat socks.

                         DIET SODA (dy*it so*da)n.
                  A drink you buy at a convenience store
             to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

                         ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee)n.
                              The last two minutes
                               of a football game.

                           EXERCISE (ex*er*siz)v.
                        To walk up and down a mall,
                 occasionally resting to make a purchase.

                   GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list)n.
                   What you spend half an hour writing,
                 then forget to take with you to the store.

                     HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er)n.
                   Someone who is able to create a style
                 you will never be able to duplicate again.
                                See "Magician."

                 HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor)n.
                      Similar to a black hole in space-
             if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

                        CHILDBIRTH (child*brth)n.
             You get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
                      he gets to hold your hand and say

                            LIPSTICK (lip*stik)n.
                      On your lips, color to enhance
                          the beauty of your mouth.
                            On his collar, color
                         only a tramp would wear...!

                               PARK (park)v./n.
                      Before children, a verb meaning,
                        "to go somewhere and neck."
                       After children, a noun meaning
                     a place with a swing set and slide.

       PATIENCE (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient
                     for dating, marriage and children.
                          See also "Tranquilizers."

     WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah)n.
                   Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim,
               but will not come off if you try to remove it.

                VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae)n.
                        A day when you have dreams
           of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance,
                          but consider yourself lucky
                                  to get a card.
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fortnights, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story is:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Medieval Geometry  
There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three knights sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms. This just proved that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Stranded on a Desert Island  
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.  "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.  And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.  Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.  She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"  "Ten years!" he says.  She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes.  He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"   She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"  Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"  She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.  He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"  Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"  The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!"  "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
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Airline Humor  
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other  announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and  pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

 Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

 "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

 "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

 Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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How to Speak About Women and be Politically Correct:  
  She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
  She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
  She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
  She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
  She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
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Showering by Gender  
How To Shower Like a Woman:
  • Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  • Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and rush to the bathroom.
  • Look at yourself in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can whine even more about how you're getting fat.
  • Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loofah, and pumice stone.
  • Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  • Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  • Condition your hair with miromar salon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  • Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
  • Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  • Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least five minutes to make sure that it has all come off.)
  • Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed later.
  • Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose water pressure.
  • Turn off shower.
  • Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
  • Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a quilt.
  • Wrap hair in second towel.
  • Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails./tweezers if found.
  • Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  • If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom to spend an hour getting dressed.

 How To Shower Like A Man:

  • Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  • Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake hips and yell "woo woo."
  • Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you look like Arnold Schwartzneger (yes).
  • Pee in the direction of the toilet.
  • Get in the shower.
  • Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one.)
  • Wash your face, armpits, privates and surrounding area.
  • Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
  • Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
  • Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner.)
  • Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  • Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
  • Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
  • Partially dry off.
  • Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
  • Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
  • Leave bathroom fan and light on.
  • Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, say "Yeah baby" and do a little dance.
  • Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:  
 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her  brush your hair.
 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
        They always catch the  second person.
 4. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
 5. Puppies still have bad breath,
        even after   eating a Tic-Tac.
 6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass  of milk.
 8. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white  shorts.
Great Truths About Life that Adults have Learned:  
  • Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  • Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a  tree.
  • If you can remain calm, you don't have all the  facts.
  • Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn  that held its ground.
  • My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves  completely.
  • One reason to smile is that every seven minutes  of every day, someone in  an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • God put me on earth to accomplish a certain  number of things.
        Right now,  I am so far behind I will live forever. 
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