Remember...these
Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
HMO A doctor, a nurse,
and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the
Pearly Gates.
St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have
done in their lives.
The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have
had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people."
St. Peter says, "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what
about you?"
The nurse says, "I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire
life as an adult, and have helped the recovery of hundreds of people."
St. Peter says, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about
you?"
The HMO Executive says, "I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance
Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people
all over the country."
St. Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go on in...but you can only stay
two nights." top
of page
Have
I toad you this before? This frog
goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, " Ms. Whack, I'd
like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog
says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name
is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains
that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that she will need to
secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he
can use as collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly
formed. Very confused,
Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears
into a back office. She finds
the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. I mean,
what the heck is this?" So the
bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan. top
of page Symphony The San Francisco
Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's
a long passage-about 20 minutes-during which the bass violinists have nothing
to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some
bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a
quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession,
one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need
some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score
together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their
places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience
said to her companion doesn't the conductor seem a bit edgy?
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom
of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded." top
of page Ball
Game A group of guys
and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game
the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves,
and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that
you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well,
I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are
amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the
most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very
painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when
they cut off your testicles?" "That was very
painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the
most painful part?" "The part that
hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!" top
of page IF
I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER by Erma Bombeck I would have
talked less and listened more. I would have
invited friends over to dinner, even if the carpet was stained and the
sofa faded. I would have
eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about
the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. I would have
taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would never
have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair
had just been teased and sprayed. I would have
burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have
sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I would have
cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching
life. I would have
shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband. I would have
gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into
a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. I would never
have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil,
or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. Instead of wishing
away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized
that the wonderment growing inside me was my only chance in life to assist
God in a miracle. When my kids
kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed
up for dinner." There would have
been more "I love yous." more "I'm sorrys" ... but mostly, given another
shot at life, I would seize every minute ... look at it and really see
it... Live it ... and never give it back. Don't forget
to stop and smell the roses today! Take time to tell a loved one how much
you love them, do something nice for yourself, and stop to give God thanks
for all of it. top
of page Hi
Dad A young
punk rocker is sitting on a bus. He has ragged clothes and a brightly colored
mohawk hair cut. A middle-aged businessman sits down opposite
him and his eyes fall on the boy. He stares.
The kid
starts to get uncomfortable. The man looks away, but his eyes keep
wandering back to him.
Finally,
the kid says, "Whatsa matter, dude? You never did anything wild and crazy
when you were young?" The man in the suit ponders this for a while
and says, "Well, I did, actually. I once made love to a parrot and I was
wondering if you might be my son." top
of page
Golfing
Accident
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How
does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." top
of page Advertising
Campaign A marketing director
for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign
for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he
asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would
you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..." A large group
of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender because: 1. In order to
get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have
a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as
you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer
you could have had a better model. The men, on the
other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine
gender because: 1. No one but
the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native
language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else. 3. Even your
smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as
you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck
on accessories for it. top
of page "How
many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Rottweiler: just
one. You want to make something of it? Doberman: immediately
decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form
of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb. Australian Shepherd:
one, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless
and should be thrown away. Jack Russell
Terrier: two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about
who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! Bulldog: just
one. But it takes them three years to do it. Pomeranians don't
change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German shepherd
in to do the job for them while they're out. Pug: er, two.
Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that ok with you? Golden Retriever:
the sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of
us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Afghan: light
bulb? What light bulb? Cat: I don't
waste my time with these childish jokes. Shiba-Inu: zero!
Shibas aren't afraid of the dark! Schipperke: it's
your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless..... is there food involved?? Poodle: sorry,
just had my nails done. Beagle: how many
cookies do I get? Weimaraner: what??
light bulb? You want me to change a light bulb? Lab: why change
it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep. Basenji: light
bulb? We don't change no stinking light bulbs! Malamute: let
*him* do it. You can pet me while he's busy. Boxer: if I could
stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair....... American Bulldog:
one. Jump, remove bulb, land. Jump, replace bulb, land. Two: what light
bulb, so? We can play in the dark. Golden retriever:
"I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play
catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee -- and then I want to lick your
face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes.
What, you're changing the light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do
that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that." Dalmatian: just
one, but it will really hate the new bulb. Rottweiler: I'll
change the light bulb if I can eat the old one. Corgi: I can't
reach the stupid lamp! Springer: light
bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Standard Poodle:
none. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out -- then go lie
down in disgust that it took so long. Border Collie:
just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it. Wolfdog: let
me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it,
what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about
it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a
great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb! German Shepherd:
"I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd
the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my
"to do" list...." Dachshund: well,
first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you took too long. I want two
treats and I'll do it......... no, not that treat, the other kind. Geez..........
do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".) Irish Setter:
it only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb. Pit Bull Terrier:
jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb........I
said let go of light bulb! Please???? let go of the light bulb?????? let
go? Good ol' southern
hound dog: huh???? top
of page What
If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals? If a packet has
a pocket on a socket on a port And the bus is
interrupted as a very last resort, And the address
of the memory makes your floppy disc abort, Then the socket
packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor
finds a menu that is followed by a dash, And the double
clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data
is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's
hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on
your cable on the gable on your house Says the network
is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets
want to travel to another protocol, That's repeatedly
rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen
is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss, So your icons
in your window are as wavy as a zouse, Then you may
as well reboot and go without a bang, 'Cause as sure
as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!
When the copy
of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc, And the microcode
instructions cause unnecesary RISC, Then you have
to flash your memory, And you'll want
to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn
off your computer, And be sure to
tell your Mo. top
of page
Remember
When A computer was
something on TV from a science fiction show of note a window was
something you hated to clean... And ram was the
cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name
of my girl friend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different
things and that really mega bytes
An application
was for employment a program was
a TV show a cursor used
profanity a keyboard was
a piano
Memory was something
that you lost with age a CD was a bank
account and if you had
a 3 =BD floppy you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something
you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped
anything in public you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding
wood to the fire hard drive was
a long trip on the road a mouse pad was
where a mouse lived and a backup
happened to your commode Cut you did with
a pocket knife paste you did
with glue a web was a spider's
home and a virus was
the flu
I guess I'll stick
to my pad and paper and the memory
in my head I hear nobody's
been killed in a computer crash but when it happens
they wish they were dead top
of page
Wedding The wedding date
was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist-
were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter
decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician
figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a
few chuckles. The dentist would
not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would
be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each
of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following:
"Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric
shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God Almighty, I am
going to kill the maniac that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly." top
of page Sherlock
Holmes and Dr. Watson Sherlock Holmes
and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of
wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky
and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions
of stars." "What does that
tell you?" Watson pondered
for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. "Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. "Horologically,
I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. "Theologically,
I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. "Meteorologically,
I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?" Holmes was silent
for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, your powers of observation are indeed
lacking. Someone has stolen our tent."
