harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 28
 Hi Dad
 Ball Game
 Golfing Accident
 Dr. Seuss
 Life to Live Over
 How Many Dogs
 Sherlock Holmes
 Advertising Campaign
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.
     St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
     The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people."
     St. Peter says, "That's great.  Go ahead in to heaven.  And what about you?"
     The nurse says, "I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, and have helped the recovery of hundreds of people."
     St. Peter says, "Wonderful.  Please proceed in with the doctor.
And what about you?"
     The HMO Executive says, "I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."
     St. Peter says, "Oh, I see.  Please go on in...but you can only stay two nights."
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Have I toad you this before?
 This frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, " Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
 Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
 The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
 Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that she will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
 The frog says, "Sure. I have this."  And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.  It's bright pink and perfectly formed.
 Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office.
 She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?"
 So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.”
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The San Francisco Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.  In the piece, there's a long passage-about 20 minutes-during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.  Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.    After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch.  "Hey!  We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.  "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.  It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
     A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.  About this time, a member of the audience said to her companion doesn't the conductor seem a bit edgy?
    "Well, of course," said her companion.  "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
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Ball Game
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your testicles?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
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by Erma Bombeck
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner, even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later.
Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous." more "I'm sorrys" ... but mostly,
given another shot at life, I would seize every minute ... look at it and really see it... Live it ... and never give it back.
Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today! Take time to tell a loved one how much you love them, do something nice for yourself, and stop to give God thanks for all of it.
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Hi Dad
 A young punk rocker is sitting on a bus. He has ragged clothes and a brightly colored mohawk hair cut.   A middle-aged businessman sits down opposite him and his eyes fall on the boy. He stares.

 The kid starts to get uncomfortable.  The man looks away, but his eyes keep wandering back to him.

 Finally, the kid says, "Whatsa matter, dude? You never did anything wild and crazy when you were young?"  The man in the suit ponders this for a while and says, "Well, I did, actually. I once made love to a parrot and I was wondering if you might be my son."
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Golfing Accident
    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
    Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
    "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
    To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Advertising Campaign
A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'.
What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..."
A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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"How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Rottweiler: just one. You want to make something of it?
Doberman: immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
Australian Shepherd: one, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Jack Russell Terrier: two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Bulldog: just one. But it takes them three years to do it.
Pomeranians don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
Pug: er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that ok with you?
Golden Retriever: the sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Afghan: light bulb? What light bulb?
Cat: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Shiba-Inu: zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!
Schipperke: it's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless..... is there food involved??
Poodle: sorry, just had my nails done.
Beagle: how many cookies do I get?
Weimaraner: what?? light bulb? You want me to change a light bulb?
Lab: why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
Basenji: light bulb? We don't change no stinking light bulbs!
Malamute: let *him* do it. You can pet me while he's busy.
Boxer: if I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.......
American Bulldog: one. Jump, remove bulb, land. Jump, replace bulb, land.
Two: what light bulb, so? We can play in the dark.
Golden retriever: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee -- and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
Dalmatian: just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
Rottweiler: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
Corgi: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Springer: light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Standard Poodle: none. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.
Border Collie: just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
Wolfdog: let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!
German Shepherd: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my "to do" list...."
Dachshund: well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you took too long. I want two treats and I'll do it......... no, not that treat, the other kind. Geez.......... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)
Irish Setter: it only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
Pit Bull Terrier: jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb........I said let go of light bulb! Please???? let go of the light bulb?????? let go?
Good ol' southern hound dog: huh????
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What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?
If a packet has a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu that is followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable on your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to travel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in your window are as wavy as a zouse,
Then you may as well reboot and go without a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecesary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory,
And you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer,
And be sure to tell your Mo.
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Remember When
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girl friend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 =BD floppy you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead
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The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.
The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.
The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.
    The wedding and reception went as planned.  A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following:
    "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed.  The electric shock was only a minor setback  But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the maniac that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."  Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, your powers of observation are indeed lacking. Someone has stolen our tent."
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