harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 27
 The Parrot
 Feeling Fine
 The Wreck
 Two Texans
 This Guy
 Nursing Home
 Help Desk
Prison or Work
 The Magic Lamp
 Talkative Wife
 Political Humor
 Lawyers as Liars
 Special Occasions
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

The Parrot
    David received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren't
expletives were, to say the least, rude.
    David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.  He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
    Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly,
all was quiet.
    David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.   The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:  "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions.  I ask for your forgiveness.
I will try to check my behavior..."
    David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "Pardon me, may I ask what the chicken did?"
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Feeling Fine
    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" said the lawyer.
    Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
    "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
    Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."
    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
    Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?"
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The Lion Mess
     A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
 One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
    The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
    The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
  "Nothing," said the hunter husband,
  "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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The Wreck
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said,"I wish you could talk."
 The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
 "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
 "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?"
 The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
 "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
 "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?"
 "Driving," motioned the monkey.
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Two Texans
 Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.  he was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.
 One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
 The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"
 "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said to the girl, "Can you Breathe??"
  She shook her head no.
  He said, "Can you speak??"
  Again, she shook her head no.
  With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
  Back to his friend, he said, "Funny how that "Hind Lick Maneuver" works every time."
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These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking
to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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Lawyers as Liars
 "A good lawyer is a great liar."
 --Edward Ward

 Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
 A: They lie still

 One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

 Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
 "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
 "Okay, you first," replied the other.
 That was the end of the discussion.
 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you mother do all day?"
 Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?"
 Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
 Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The
 teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
 Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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Talkative Wife
    A Jaguar E-type is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a late-40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this old car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"  The wife smiles demurely and says "I just thank goodness your radar detector went off when it did."  As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, shut your yap!"  The officer frowns and says, "and I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Jag."  And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "YOU BLOODY COW! SHUT UP!"  And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way,  Ma'am?"   To which she replies, "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking."
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Nursing Home Romance
Fred and Nora had both been in the same nursing home for years.
Fred has been chasing Nora's skirt for as long as she had been there, but Nora wouldn't give him the time of day. On Fred's 90th birthday, he approached Nora. "Nora, won't you PLEASE give me a little for my birthday? I am not going to live much longer."
She replied, Okay Fred. You have been after me for years, just meet me in my room at 10pm.
Fred shaved, and got ready for his big night.
At precisely 10, Nora heard a knock on her door. She let him in, and to his surprise, she was already stark naked. Nora carefully placed a bottle of nitroglycerine tablets on the night stand, and then lay down.
Motioning him to follow her into bed, she stated, "Fred, it is only fair I warn you that we may have to stop in the middle of this because I have acute angina"
To which Fred replied, 'Good thing, because you sure have ugly tits!!"
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A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.
As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.
The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant, it was granted, but the genie then reminds her that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.
But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish....I'd like to give birth to twins.
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This Guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"  "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."  "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."  "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"  "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my
"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"  "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."  The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."  "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.
Just make an offer."  The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.  The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great  pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy i wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."   "What?" says the guy.  "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."  "What happened then?" asks the guy.  "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.  "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"  "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."  The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."
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Political Humor
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.   A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.  The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
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Help Desk
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
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Special Occasions
My Mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).
  One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was slightly open. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Thanksgiving Dinner.
 Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of emarassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.
  My mother asked me why I used these and of course my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!"
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In prison you spend most of your time in a 8x19 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you break for only one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you carry the key and must unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison your family and friends get to visit.
At work you cannot see or speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all your expenses to go to work and then taxes are deducted from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison there are wardens who often are sadistic.
At work we have managers.
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