Remember...these
Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The
Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and
the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and
then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with
my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to
check my behavior..."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what changed him when the parrot continued, "Pardon me, may I ask what
the chicken did?" Top
of Page Feeling
Fine
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask
for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge,
I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this
man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?" Top
of Page The
Lion Mess
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening,
while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to
look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling
sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush,
and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing,"
said the hunter husband, "The lion
got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." Top
of Page The
Wreck A police officer
came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and
hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and
said,"I wish you could talk." The monkey
looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can
understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook
his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended
to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were
drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey
pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were
smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned
"Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing
before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving,"
motioned the monkey. Top
of Page Two
Texans Two Texans
were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up
began to choke on a piece of hamburger. he was turning blue and obviously
in serious respiratory distress. One said
to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other
agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet,"
said the first, and with that he ran over and said to the girl, "Can you
Breathe??" She shook
her head no. He said,
"Can you speak??" Again,
she shook her head no. With that,
he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young
woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great
relief. Back to
his friend, he said, "Funny how that "Hind Lick Maneuver" works every time." Top
of Page Golfers These four gents
go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse,
and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first
tee. "My son," says
one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He
began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm.
He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good
friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man,
not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman,
but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in
the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's
son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few
weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth
man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing
their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the
truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies.
For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered
he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good
at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand
new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." Top
of Page Lawyers
as Liars "A good
lawyer is a great liar." --Edward
Ward
Q: What
do lawyers do after they die? A: They
lie still
One juror
overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor
or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
Two lawyers
were walking along negotiating a case. "Look,"
said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay,
you first," replied the other. That was
the end of the discussion. A grade
school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you mother do all day?" Billy stood
up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's
wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly
stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank
you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?" Tim proudly
stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher
was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that
day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the
door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim's father
said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to
a seven-year-old?" Top
of Page
Talkative
Wife
A Jaguar E-type is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a late-40's
guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Gee,
officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly
dear, you know very well this old car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer
makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't
you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and
says "I just thank goodness your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman,
shut your yap!" The officer frowns and says, "and I notice you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."The driver
says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." And the wife says,
"Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you
never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Jag." And, as the
officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"YOU BLOODY COW! SHUT UP!" And the officer looks over at the woman
and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
To which she replies, "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking." Top
of Page Nursing
Home Romance Fred and Nora
had both been in the same nursing home for years. Fred has been
chasing Nora's skirt for as long as she had been there, but Nora wouldn't
give him the time of day. On Fred's 90th birthday, he approached Nora.
"Nora, won't you PLEASE give me a little for my birthday? I am not going
to live much longer." She replied,
Okay Fred. You have been after me for years, just meet me in my room at
10pm. Fred shaved,
and got ready for his big night. At precisely
10, Nora heard a knock on her door. She let him in, and to his surprise,
she was already stark naked. Nora carefully placed a bottle of nitroglycerine
tablets on the night stand, and then lay down. Motioning him
to follow her into bed, she stated, "Fred, it is only fair I warn you that
we may have to stop in the middle of this because I have acute angina" To which Fred
replied, 'Good thing, because you sure have ugly tits!!" Top
of Page THE
MAGIC LAMP A recently divorced
woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got
over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices
her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation,
the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But he cautions
her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband
ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is
steaming mad, thinking this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish
was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself
sitting on a pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then
reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private
beach. In an instant, it was granted, but the genie then reminds her that
her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the
beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing
this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie
was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants
to make the last wish. But, before she
can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten
times what she wishes for. "No problem,"
said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish....I'd like
to give birth to twins. Top
of Page This
Guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd like
to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search
of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez,
I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says
the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It
sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood
every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated
bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a
little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little
parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't
see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says guy,
"you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I
speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost
any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I
am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an
offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting,
he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good
advice. The guy i wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know
if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your
wife and the mailman." "What?" says the guy. "Well,"
the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted
him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened
then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted
up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown,
got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her
breasts and slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for
a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know,"
says the parrot, "I fell off my perch." Top
of Page Political
Humor A bus load of
politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the
bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He
then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few
days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked
the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said
he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL
dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie." Top
of Page Help
Desk A woman called
the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked
her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No,
my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." Top
of Page Special
Occasions My Mother taught
me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day
I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was slightly
open. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not
wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were
for special occasions. Now fast forward
a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up
the pastor and his wife for Thanksgiving Dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately
burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost
died of emarassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a
"special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged
on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the
edge. My mother
asked me why I used these and of course my response sent the other adults
into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special
occasions!!" Top
of Page WHICH
IS BETTER: PRISON OR WORK? In prison you
spend most of your time in a 8x19 cell. At work you spend
most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison you
get three meals a day. At work you break
for only one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you
get time off for good behavior. At work you get
rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard
locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you carry
the key and must unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you
can watch TV and play games. At work you get
fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison you
get your own toilet. At work you have
to share. In prison your
family and friends get to visit. At work you cannot
see or speak to your family and friends. In prison all
expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. At work you get
to pay all your expenses to go to work and then taxes are deducted from
your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you
spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to
get out. At work you spend
most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison there
are wardens who often are sadistic. At work we have
managers.
