Remember...these Jokes are
only old if you've heard them before...
DUI
Test A driver was pulled over by a
police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she
noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those
for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use
those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out
the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven
at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show
and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double
take, and said, "My G-d. I've got to give
up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now." top
of page Performance
Evaluations Actual quotes from Federal employee
performance evaluations 1. "Since my last report, he
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him
anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee
to breed." 4. "This employee is really not
so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth,
it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in
there." 7. "He would be out of his depth
in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions
of adequacy." 9. "She sets low personal standards
and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee should go
far - and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "This employee is depriving
a village somewhere of an idiot." 12. "Not the sharpest knife in
the drawer." 13. "Got into the gene pool while
the lifeguard wasn't watching." 14. "A room temperature
IQ." 15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks
the plastic thingy to hold it all altogether." 16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144
times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 17. "A photographic memory but
with the lens cover glued on." 18. "A prime candidate for natural
deselection." 19. "Bright as Alaska in
December." 20. "One-celled organisms out
score him in IQ tests." 21. "Donated his brain to science
before he was done using it." 22. "Fell out of the family
tree." 23. "Gates are down, the lights
are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "Has two brains; one is lost
and the other is out looking for it." 25. "He's so dense, light bends
around him." 26. "If brains were taxed, he'd
get a rebate." 27. "If he were any more stupid,
he'd have to be watered twice a week." 28. "If you give him a penny
for his thoughts, you'd get change." 29. "If you stand close enough
to him, you can hear the ocean." 30. "It's hard to believe that
he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 31. "One neuron short of
a synapse." 32. "Some drink from the fountain
of knowledge; he only gargled." 33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to
watch 60 minutes." 34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl
a bit too long as a baby." 35. "Wheel is turning, but the
hamster is dead." top
of page You may
be Addicted to the Internet, if ... 1. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go
to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way
back to bed. 2. You turn off your modem and
get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug
on a loved one. 3. You spend half of the plane
trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the
overhead compartment. 4. You decide to stay in college
for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet
access. 5. Only communication in your
household is through email. 6. You code your homework in
HTML and give your instructor the URL. 7. You move into a new house
and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 8. Choice between paying CompuServe
bill and paying for kid's education is easy -- if a little painful
for your kids. 9. Batteries in the TV remote
now last for months. 10. Your dog has its own home
page too. 11. Your mouse-clicking forearm
rivals Popeye's. 12. You check your mail.
It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 13. You can't call your mother
... she doesn't have a modem. 14. You start tilting your head
sideways to smile. 15. When your car is crashing
through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for
the Back button. top
of page Nice
Bike Two programming students meet
on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey-Nice
bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replied the
other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rode
up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and
said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!!" "Good choice," said the
first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway." top
of page Flower
Vendor "Take a bunch of flowers home
for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't
got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I
don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate
your luck." top
of page Wedding
Night The wedding date was set and
the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were
deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their
wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would
give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with
alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore
a sly grin and promised a real good one. The nuptials went as planned and
a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note "DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY G-D,
I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!" top
of page Rules Typical Mexican macho man married
typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following
rules "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great
dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozin, and card-playing when I want
with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about
it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride
said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at
seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not." top
of page Medical
Charts The following statements were
supposedly found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records.
These statements supposedly were written by various health care professionals
including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several
major hospitals "The lab test indicated abnormal
lover function." "The baby was delivered, the
cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried
immediately." "Exam of genitalia reveals that
he is circus sized." "The skin was moist and
dry." "The patient had waffles for
breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "She stated that she had been
constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a
divorce." "The patient was in his usual
state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas
and crashed." "I saw your patient today, who
is still under our car for physical therapy." "The patient lives at home with
his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three
times a week." "Bleeding started in the rectal
area and continued all the way to Los Angeles." "Both breasts are equal and reactive
to light and accommodation." "She is numb from her toes
down." "Exam of genitalia was completely
negative except for the right foot." "While in the emergency room,
she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection.
However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." "Coming from Detroit, this man
has no children." "When she fainted, her eyes rolled
around the room." "Examination reveals a well-developed
male lying in bed with his family in no distress." top
of page Embarrassing
Moments The following are the top three
winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New
Woman Magazine. "While in line at the bank one
afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy
and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks
of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked
me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of
the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me were screams of laughter" * Amy Richardson; Stafford,
Virginia
"It was the day before my
eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone
out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night
alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone
ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback
ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't
have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the
lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My
entire family aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends
were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of
shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since
then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie,
New York
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories
I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items
at a discount store. When she finally got up to
the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all
the store to hear "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was
bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood
the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed
back over the intercom "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" top of page
Excerpts
from Classified Sections Illiterate? Write today for free
help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up
and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere
again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale eats anything and
is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite
factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit
one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas
Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for
pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please
a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician
in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale antique desk suitable
for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your
ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing
with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined
sex. Great Dames for
sale. Have several very old dresses
from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning
yourself. Let me do it. Vacation Special have your home
exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the
job in 24 hours. For Rent 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take
anything. Used Cars Why go elsewhere to
be cheated. Come here first. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
person. Wanted Hair cutter. Excellent
growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow
that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They
are simply the tops. Wanted. Widower with school age
children requires person to assume general housekeeping
duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled
in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine
and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. top
of page Help
From Above An explorer
in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group
of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
quietly to himself, "I'm screwed." There is a
ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out"No, you are NOT screwed.
Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in
front of you." So the explorer
picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He is breathing
heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are 100 native
warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice
booms out again"Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed." top
of page Just
Driving Along A truck driver frequently traveled
through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the
road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking
along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian
lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he
spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give
him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted
a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically,
he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered
his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and
in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned
to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed
that lawyer." And the priest
replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door." top
of page Winking Armed with impeccable credentials,
a man applied for a position with a top company. Unfortunately, he had
a problem with one of his eyes - it constantly winked. "We'd love to hire
you," said the company vice president, "but that winking is
too distracting." "Wait! I can make it stop
by taking two asperin," the applicant said. "Okay, show me," the executive
replied. The job candidate reached into
his pocket, pulled out a dozen condom packages and placed them on the desk before
finding two aspirin. He took the tablets,
and the winking stopped. "That's fine," the VP said
coolly. "But we don't condone womanizing." No, no. You've got me all
wrong," the man replied. "Have you ever asked for aspirin at the drugstore
while winking?" top
of page Drunk An Irishman's been drinking at
a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman
stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time,
same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands
up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his
home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his
face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his
bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages
to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning
to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out
drinking again!!" "What makes you say
that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you
left your wheelchair there again."
