harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 24
DUI Test
Medical Charts
Classified Sections
Embarrassing Moments
Nice Bike
Driving Along
Wedding Night
Help From Above
Addicted to the Internet

Performance Evaluations
Flower Vendor
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
DUI Test
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.  As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied.  "I use those in my act."  "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.  Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My G-d.  I've got to give up drinking!  Look at the test they're giving now."
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Performance Evaluations
Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations
1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14. "A room temperature IQ."
15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all altogether."
16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
19. "Bright as Alaska in December."
20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Fell out of the family tree."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a  week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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You may be Addicted to the Internet, if ...
1. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
4. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. Only communication in your household is through email.
6. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
7. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
8. Choice between paying CompuServe bill and paying for kid's education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.
9. Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
10. Your dog has its own home page too.
11. Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
12. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
13. You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
15. When your car is crashing through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the Back button.
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Nice Bike
Two programming students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey-Nice bike!  Where did you get it?"  "Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!!"  "Good choice," said the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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Flower Vendor
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
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Wedding Night
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter,  an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.  The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them  a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and  promised a real good one. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the  grooms buddies received the following note "DEAR FRIENDS,  WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.  THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.  BUT BY  G-D, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"
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Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules  "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -    and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies    and don't you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules!   Any comments?"  His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
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Medical Charts
The following statements were supposedly found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements supposedly were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."
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Embarrassing Moments
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving, right now, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
* Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.  I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.  "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.  I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.  Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'  My entire family aunts, uncles, Grandparents,  cousins and all my friends were standing there!  My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.  "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
* Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.  Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom  "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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Excerpts from Classified Sections
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never  go anywhere again.   Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and  smacks included.
Dog for sale eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross  and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself.  Let me do it.
Vacation Special have your home exterminated.   Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.   For Rent 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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Help From Above
    An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."
    There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
    So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
    The voice booms out again"Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."
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Just Driving Along
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road.  Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road.  The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
    One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride.  A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
    Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger.  He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
    He turned to the priest and said,  "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."
    And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
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Armed with impeccable credentials, a man applied for a position with a top company.  Unfortunately, he had a problem with one of his eyes - it constantly winked.  "We'd love to hire you," said the company vice president, "but that winking is too distracting."
"Wait!  I can make it stop by taking two asperin," the applicant said.
"Okay, show me," the executive replied.
The job candidate reached into his pocket, pulled out a dozen condom packages and placed them on the desk before finding two aspirin.  He took the tablets, and the winking stopped.
"That's fine," the VP said coolly.  "But we don't condone womanizing."
No, no.  You've got me all wrong," the man replied.  "Have you ever asked for aspirin at the drugstore while winking?"
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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

  Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

  This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
  "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
  "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
  "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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