harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 20

ER Stories
Road Rage
Moving South Men's English Medical Humor God's Will
Cigar Insurance
Children Know
Women's English
50th Anniversary Food For Thought Discourteous Service Real Cowboy
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

 The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
 The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
 The room really got quiet.
 Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
 "Yes?" replied the teacher.
 "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Advice for Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as  "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
 6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
 8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
 9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
 10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
 11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
 12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
 13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
 14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
 15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
 16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
 17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
 18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
 19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
 20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
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Road Rage, Sort of-
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road while a woman is driving up the same road.  As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG"!!
 The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH"!! As he rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
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Food For Thought
Mahesh Shah wrote: As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female e.g.,
 Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

 Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons this conclusion follow:
  Five reasons to believe computers are female:
 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half  your paycheck on accessories for it.

 However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
  Five reasons to believe computers are male:
 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day
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Translation for Women's English:
 Yes = No
  No = Yes
  Maybe = No
  I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
  We need = I want
  It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
  We need to talk = I need to complain.
  Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
  I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
  Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
  I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
  Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
  Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
  Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
  I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
  The same old thing = Nothing
  Nothing = Everything
  Everything = My PMS is acting up.
  Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
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Translation for Men's English
 "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
  "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
  "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
  "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
  "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
  "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
  "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
  "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
  "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
  "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
  "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
  "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
  "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
  "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
  "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
  (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
  "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay
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Stuff all young children know....
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad  is in Grandma's lap.
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Real Cowboy
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am," replied the cowboy.  After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women; when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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God's Will Contributed by: Stacy Albertine
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and said, "Why'd God throw him back down?"
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Cigar Insurance - Supposedly True
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the
judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
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Discourteous Service
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
"I want to open a damn checking account."
 To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
 "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And your saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time!?"
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50th Anniversary
An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago!
My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!
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Horseracing Disrupts Priest--causes Bishop's Death
A Priest wanted to raise money for his church. He heard that there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the race. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was too steep and the Priest ended up buying a donkey. The priest figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the races. The next day, the donkey came in third. The following day in the racing forms, the headline appeared:
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered the donkey the next day also. The donkey won.The race form read:
The ranking Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. The headlines read:
This was too much for the Bishop and ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the animal to the nearby convent. The following day the paper read:
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nuns to get rid of the animal, so they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the paper read:
They buried the Bishop the Next Day. The following day the paper read:
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ER stories from Kool (an ER RN)
    A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
    A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
    A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
    A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest, her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least, during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.
She became known as "The Human Couch".
    A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push, he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmotherstarted to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What thedoctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
    A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)
    An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
    An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out so she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. It sprouted.
    The most non emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
    A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
    A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
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The Rooster
   An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.  He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?
  I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
   Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
    By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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A wild rabbit got caught and was taken to a laboratory where he befriended a rabbit who had been in the lab since the day he was born. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed, so he made a break to freedom, taking the lab rabbit with him.
That night the rabbits community celebrated the event. The party was great, loaded with fresh lettuce, delicious carrots, and gorgeous bunnies. As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab.
"But why?!" asked the astonished wild rabbit.
"I can't help it," replied the lab rabbit. "I'm just dying for a cigarette!"
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Medical Humor
A woman drowned(ed) at the beach. Attracted by the crowd around her, a curious man cried excitedly, "Hey, that's my wife! What are they doing to her?"
"They're giving her artificial respiration."
"Artificial hell," shouted he. "Give her the real stuff! I'll pay for it!"
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