Jokes
20
Remember...these Jokes
are only old if you've heard them before...
Golf
The room was full of pregnant
women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor
was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this
stage of the plan.
The teacher
then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your
partner!"
The room
really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle
of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she
carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Advice
for Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's
name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being
right.
3. Just because you can
drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the
year it snows.
4. If you do run your car
into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack
of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay
out of their way. This is what they live
for.
5. Don't be surprised to
find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the
movie store.
7. If it can't be fried
in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is
singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. Get
used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
10. Don't be worried that
you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you
either.
11. The proper pronunciation
you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be
advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral
in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and
the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner
exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the
last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do
not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal
blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it
was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be
identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from
yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are
very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly
in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the trailer and should,
therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners
going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone
is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered
a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners
living there.
20. If you are cursing
the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road,
remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere,
and this is the proper speed and lane position
for the vehicle.
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Road
Rage, Sort of-
A man is driving down a steep,
narrow mountain road while a woman is driving up the same
road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and
yells, "PIG"!!
The man immediately leans
out his window and replies, "BITCH"!! As he rounds the next corner he slams into
a pig in the middle of the road.
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Food
For Thought
Mahesh Shah wrote: As you are
aware, ships have long been characterized as being female e.g.,
Steady
as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group
of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also
be referred to as being female. Their reasons this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe
computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator
understands their internal logic.
2. The native language
they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else.
3. The
message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't
know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes
are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make
a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
However,
another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers
should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe
computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data,
but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to
help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem.
3. As soon as you commit
to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have
obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their
attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock
them out for the rest of the day
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Translation
for Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe
= No
I'm sorry = You'll be
sorry
We need
= I want
It's your decision = The
correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll
pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need
to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't
want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course
I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You
need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive
tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out
the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house.
I want new curtains =
and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed
you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm
going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute
= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell
me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate
= Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?
= [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why
don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes,
I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same
old thing = Nothing
Nothing
= Everything
Everything = My PMS is
acting up.
Nothing, really = It's
just that you're such an asshole.
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Translation
for Men's English
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to
a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to
dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I
call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I
have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice
dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me
give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's
wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's
wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going
through now?
"What's
wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you
want to have sex?
"I love
you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love
you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you
cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you
cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much
different!
"Let's
talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and
maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will
you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other
guys.
(while
shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's
go home!
"I don't think that blouse
and that skirt go well together." = I am gay
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Stuff
all young children know....
* No matter how hard you try,
you can't baptize a cat.
* When your mom is mad at your
dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't
hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother
to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch
your food.
* Reading what people write on
desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is
cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath
even after eating a Tic Tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and
a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the
wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli
in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you
are sad is in Grandma's lap.
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Real
Cowboy
An old cowboy dressed to kill
with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young
lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she
turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole
life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending
fences. I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked
her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so
I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women; when I eat, shower, watch
TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman.
A short while later she left
and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but
I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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God's
Will Contributed by: Stacy Albertine
I was at the beach with my children
when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore
where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.
"Mommy, what
happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I
replied.
My son thought
a moment and said, "Why'd God throw him back down?"
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Cigar
Insurance - Supposedly True
A Charlotte, North Carolina man,
having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against...
fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars,
and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed
a claim
against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the
judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted
that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed
that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered
to be unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the
insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company
accepted the
judge's ruling and paid the man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man
cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence
against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year
prison terms.
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Discourteous
Service
A crusty old man walks into a
bank and says to the teller at the window:
"I want to open a damn checking
account."
To which the astonished
woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did
you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want
to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do
not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Having said this, the teller
leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem
customer.
They both return and the manager
asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem,
sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery
and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank!"
"I see," says
the manager thoughtfully. "And your saying that this bitch here is giving you
a hard time!?"
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50th
Anniversary
An elderly couple decide to celebrate
their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation
for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the
next morning to a room service breakfast
they begin eating in the nude.
The wife says "Oh Harold!
This is just like fifty years ago!
My breasts feel all warm and
tingly!"
To which
he replies "Well,
they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other
is in your coffee!
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Horseracing
Disrupts Priest--causes Bishop's Death
A Priest wanted to raise money
for his church. He heard that there was big money in horse racing, so he decided
to purchase a horse and enter it in the race. However at the local auction, the
going price for horses was too steep and the Priest ended up buying a donkey.
The priest figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the
races. The next day, the donkey came in third. The following day in the racing
forms, the headline appeared:
PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS
The priest was so pleased with
the donkey that he entered the donkey the next day also. The donkey won.The race
form read:
PRIEST'S ASS
OUT IN THE FRONT
The ranking Bishop was so upset
with this type of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey
in the races anymore. The headlines read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PRIEST'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop
and ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the
animal to the nearby convent. The following
day the paper read:
NUNS HAVE THE
BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed
the Nuns to get rid of the animal, so they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The
next day the paper read:
NUNS PEDDLE ASS
FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the Bishop the Next
Day. The following day the paper read:
TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR
BISHOP'S DEATH
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ER
stories from Kool (an ER RN)
A 28-year
old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed
several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises
about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin
explode.
A 50-year
old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a
pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece
by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have
children she was hoping that the chicken would
turn into a baby.
A man in his
mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in
the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man's genitalia if it
could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched
to the man's house and the search was on During the search one of the officers
heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner.
After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the
dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that
the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean)
The officer was
given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A woman with
shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the
ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler
fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass
on the left side of her chest, her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny
new dime. And last but not least,
during a pelvic
exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.
She became known
as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who
spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish
woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push, he started
yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmotherstarted to cry and the baby's
father had to be restrained.
What thedoctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
A 40-year
old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became
lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER
for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told
to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses
yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were
having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)
An unconscious
36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse
pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra
and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin
fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his
belongings and told him where she
had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly
woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in
my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have
a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she
had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like
a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling
out so she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. It
sprouted.
The most non
emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly
button lint.
A young female
came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway
and it came back positive. The doctor went
back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your
pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're
not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No,
sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you
know who the father is?"
Patient: "No.
Who?"
A 19-year
old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend
were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with
her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't
vomit it up either."
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The
Rooster
An old farmer decided
it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still
doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting
a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local
rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster
sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're
trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about
this. He walks up
to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think
you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll
bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around
that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes
first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young
rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match
for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so
great, I'll even give you a head start of half
a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over
to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch.
The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first
lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the
second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in
there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around,
and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front
of the young rooster.
By now the
farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun,
and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with
the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun,
aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says
to himself "Damn, that's the third
gay rooster I've bought this month."
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Rabbits
A wild rabbit got caught and
was taken to a laboratory where he befriended a rabbit who had been in the lab
since the day he was born. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage
hadn't been properly closed, so he made a break to freedom, taking the lab rabbit
with him.
That night the rabbits community
celebrated the event. The party was great, loaded with fresh lettuce, delicious
carrots, and gorgeous bunnies. As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit
announced that he would have to be getting back
to the lab.
"But why?!" asked the astonished
wild rabbit.
"I can't help
it," replied the lab rabbit. "I'm just dying for a cigarette!"
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Medical
Humor
A woman drowned(ed) at the beach.
Attracted by the crowd around her, a curious man cried excitedly, "Hey, that's
my wife! What are they doing to her?"
"They're giving her artificial
respiration."
"Artificial hell," shouted he. "Give
her the real stuff! I'll pay for it!"
