harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 19

Creation Farmer Headlines
Five Reasons Men Jokes Medical Terms
Chemistry Set Food For Thought Microsoft Vs GM
Forgot Something
College Entrance Exam
Abbott & Costello
Linguistics Professor Lone Ranger and Tonto English Language
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

And lo, there was darkness upon the face of the universe and the fabric of space was a void.
And God created the heavens and the earth. But it remained dark.
And God said, "Let there be light!".
And there was light.
And all around the heavens and earth was a glorious sparkling glow.
And God said, "Hmmm. Could I see the dark one again please?"
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Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"  The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
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Doctor is checking out three old guys suspected of being senile.
Doctor: "What's 3 times 3?"
1st Man: "106"
Doctor: to second man: "What's 3 times 3?"
2nd Man: "Tuesday"
Doctor: to third man: "What's 3 times 3?"
3rd Man: "9"
Doctor: "Very good! How'd you get that?"
3rd Man: "Easy, I just subtracted Tuesday from 106."
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Medical Terms
Terminal illness -- Getting sick at the airport
Cardiology Advance -- study of poker playing
Cauterize -- To make eye contact with a woman
Pharmacist -- A person who makes living in agriculture
G.I. Series -- A baseball game between teams of soldiers
Charlie Horse -- A 10 to 1 long shot in the Kentucky Derby
Benign -- What you are after you be eight and before you be ten
Cardiac arrest -- Taken into custody after stealing a coupe deville
Scalpel -- What you stand on to clean windows in high rise buildings
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Chemistry Set
    Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon
mixing various liquids together.  Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.
    "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give
me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So Little Johnny handed the test tube over.. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.
"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
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Linguistics Professor
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.  "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.   However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."   A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
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Microsoft Vs GM
 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated; "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the following statements....
1. Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this; restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
5. You could only have one person in the car at a time; unless, you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
7. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
8. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single, "general fault", warning light.
9. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.
10. The airbag system would say, "are you sure?", before going off.
11. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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     Steve was in a terrible accident at work.  He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
    One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
     The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
     The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no  ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.
    The third and last interview was the best of all three.  It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart.  He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the
young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
    And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."  Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"   The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no damn ears!"
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Men Jokes
Men are like department stores...
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations...
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers...
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers...
Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee...
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes...
They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like plungers...
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like cement...
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like snowstorms...
You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last.
How are men and parking places alike?
The good ones are usually gone and what's left are handicapped.
Why is it hard for women to find sensitive, caring and good looking men?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.
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A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every nightly to eat their fill of his crop. After some thought, he made a sign that said "WARNING!! ONE OF THE WATERMELONS IN THIS FIELD HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE."
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read NOW THERE ARE TWO!
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    Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful
tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
    The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen ?
     "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
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Forgot Something
 A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.  When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
 "Why, officer?" the woman asked.
 "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
 The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"
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Five reasons to believe computers are male:
 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day
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Food For Thought
 As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female e.g.,
 Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"

 Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half  your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Jock College Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
 (a) build a bridge
 (b) sail the ocean
 (c) lead an army or

4. What religion is the Pope?
 (a) Jewish
 (b) Catholic
 (c) Hindu
 (d) Polish
 (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
 (a) Westerners
 (b) Southerners
 (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
 (a) Macy's
 (b) a 7-11
 (c) Canada
 (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
 (a) yes
 (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
 (a) New York
 (b) Florida
 (c) Canada
 (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
 (a) B.C.
 (b) A.D.
 (c) still waiting.
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The English Language
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language... until they tried topronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six
months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

 Petal, panel, and canal,
 Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
 Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
 Senator, spectator, mayor.
 Tour, but our and succour, four.
 Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
 Sea, idea, Korea, area,
 Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
 Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
 Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

 Compare alien with Italian,
 Dandelion and battalion.
 Sally with ally, yea, ye,
 Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
 Say aver, but ever, fever,
 Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
 Heron, granary, canary.
 Crevice and device and aerie.

 Face, but preface, not efface.
 Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
 Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
 Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
 Ear, but earn and wear and tear
 Do not rhyme with here but ere.
 Seven is right, but so is even,
 Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
 Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
 Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

 Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
 Is a paling stout and spikey?
 Won't it make you lose your wits,
 Writing groats and saying grits?
 It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
 Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
 Islington and Isle of Wight,
 Housewife, verdict and indict.

 Finally, which rhymes with enough --
 Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
 Hiccough has the sound of cup.
 My advice is to give up!!!
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Abbott and Costello meet Windows 95
 Costello: Hey, Abbott!
 Abbott: Yes, Lou?

 Costello: I just got my first computer.
 Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

 Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
 Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.

 Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
 Abbott: You will in time.

 Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
 Abbott: Oh?

 Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
 Abbott: Well, I don't know-

 Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
 Abbott: Really?

 Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
 Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

 Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
 Abbott: That's true.

 Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to
 turn it off. What do I do?
 Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -

 Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
 Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
 Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

 Abbott: I did.
 Costello: When?

 Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
 Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

 Abbott: To shut off the computer.
 Costello: I press Start to stop.

 Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
 Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

 Abbott: Start
 Costello: Start what?

 Abbott: Start button.
 Costello: Start button to do what?

 Abbott: Shut down.
 Costello: You don't have to get rude!

 Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
 Costello: Then say what you mean.

 Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
 Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

 Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
 Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

 Abbott: But that's what you do.
 Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

 Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
 Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.

 Abbott: What are you talking about?
 Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
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     An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.  The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
     Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.  The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
 "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and  yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
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