Remember...these Jokes
are only old if you've heard them before...
Minister
and Lawyer were Chatting... "What do you do if you make a
mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore
it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What
do you do?" The minister
replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day
I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil
is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." top
of page Sex
Therapist The two women had been
having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I
have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. "That's
amazing!" Mary replied, "so have Tom and I." "We're thinking of going
to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do
that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please
tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed,
and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out,
Linda?" Mary asked. "Things
couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam,
and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told
us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes
and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes
and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get
it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed
his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better
than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary
talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the
physical exams were completed the doctor called
Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for
you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you
did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for
us! Please, please, can't you give us
some help? Any help at all?" "Well,
OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery
store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerio..." top
of page At
the Lumberyard Some men in a pickup truck drove
into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office
and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk
said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man
said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and
said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you
need them?" The customer paused for
a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned
to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build
a house." top
of page
Talking
Bird A woman was thinking about finding
a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a
beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be
fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The
owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful
bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and
said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about
this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the
bird's cage up in her living room and waited for
it to say something.
The bird looked around the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit
shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple
hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When
they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam,
new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but
then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house,
new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!" top
of page
Lottery This guy bursts into the
house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won
the lottery!" She says," Oh, wonderful!
Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies," I don't care....Just
get the heck out!!!" top
of page Un-Classified
Ads submitted by C.R. of Arbutus, MD Lost: Small apricot poodle.
Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For Sale: Antique desk suitable
for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your
ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too! No matter what your topcoat is
made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale: Eight puppies from
a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Dog for Sale: Eats anything and
is fond of children. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let
me do it! Man, honest.
Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to
be cheated? Come here first! Our bikinis are exciting. They
are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service: Try us once
-- you'll never go anywhere else again. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must
like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to
get hands dirty. Mixing bowl set designed to please
a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled
in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. top
of page What
State Mottos SHOULD Be: Alabama: At Least
We're Not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't
Be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy
Ain't Everthang California: As
Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't
Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts,
Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We were the First!
Damit! and don't you forget it! Florida: Ask
Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put
the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami
Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway
to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal
Wave Free! Iowa: Land of
James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle
States Kentucky: Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk
Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster, but don't
stick around Maryland: A Thinking
Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are
Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense
From the Canadians Minnesota: For
Sale... Ahsuppose Mississippi: Come Feel Better
About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood
Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky,
the Unabomber, and The Best Darn Militia Nebraska: Ask About Our State
Motto Contest Nevada: Whores
and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave
Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##!
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent
Pets New York: You Have the Right
to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco Is a
Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got...
Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, = Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge
Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only
No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's
For Dinner Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY
an Island South Carolina: Remember the
Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North
Dakota Tennessee: The
Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo
Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than
Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government
Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun
By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy
Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come
Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? top
of page Disposition:
inline A small
town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial a
grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know
you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The
lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room
and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been
a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.
The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes,
I know him." At this
point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to
the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you
asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt
within 5 minutes!" top
of page Equal
Opportunity Employer A local business was looking
for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating
the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards,
a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked
at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office
manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised,
to say the least. However, the dog looked determined,
so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared
at the manager. The manager
said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped
down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took
out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped
back on the chair. The manager was stunned,
but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with
a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly
the first time. By this time the manager
was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are
a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still*
can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and
went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being
an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says
that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager
calmly and said, "Meow!" top
of page Adrift
at Sea Two men were
adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning
freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, one of the two men stumbled across an old
lamp. Secretly hoping
that a Genie would he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
amazement of the Castaways, one did come forth!
This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three. Without giving
much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer!" Immediately
the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned
to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished
to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other
man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!" top
of page Viagra/Pfiser
Riser Subject: New
drugs??? With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer
is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance
of men in today's society. DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug
given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and
ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control
group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental
new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before
starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug
reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially
cleaning up spills and "little accidents." COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials,
82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives
had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing
new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise
attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and
gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the
drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return
limit.' NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite
effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical
trials on sitting U.S. presidents. top
of page Ode
To A Mammogram For years 'n years they told
me, Be careful of
your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise
them, And give them
monthly tests. So I heeded all
their warnings And protected
them by Law..... Guarded them
very carefully And always wore
a bra. After 30 years
of careful care, The doctor found
a lump, He ordered up
a mammogram To look inside
that clump. "Stand up very
close" she said as she got my
tit in line. "And tell me
when it hurts"she said, "Ah yes! There!
That's just fine" She stepped upon
a pedal.... I could not believe
my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing
down.... My boob was in
a vice!!! My skin was stretched
'n stretched From way up by
my chin And my poor tit
was being squashed To Swedish pancake
thin!! Excruciating
pain I felt, A prisoner in
this vicious thing, My poor defenceless
tit! "Take a deep
breath" she said to me Who does she
think she's kidding My chest is smashed
in her machine I can't breathe and woozy I am
getting "There that was
good" I heard her say As the room was
slowly swaying, "now let's get
the other one" "Lord, have mercy" I was praying It squeezed me
from both sides, I'll bet she has never had this
done, to her tender
little hide! If I had no problem when I came
in I surely have
one now. If there had
been a cyst in there It would have
popped---ker pow!!! This machine
was made by a man, Of this I have
no doubt..... I'd like to get
his nuts in there, For months he'd
go without. top
of page Seinfeldisms 1. Why doesn't glue stick
to the inside of the bottle? 2. Can
fat people go skinny-dipping? 3. Can you be a closet
claustrophobic? 4. Why is the word abbreviation
so long? 5. Is it possible to be
totally partial? 6. What's another word
for thesaurus? 7. If a book about failures
doesn't sell, is it a success? 8. If the funeral procession
is at night, do folks drive with their lights
off? 9. When companies ship
Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 10. If you're cross-eyed
and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 11. If a stealth bomber
crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 12. If the cops arrest
a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 13. If a parsley farmer
is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. When it rains, why
don't sheep shrink? 15. Should vegetarians
eat animal crackers? 16. Do cemetery workers
prefer the graveyard shift? 17. What do you do when
you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? 18. Do hungry crows have
ravenous appetites? 19. Why is bra singular
and panties plural? 20. If a mute swears,
does his mother wash his hands with soap? 21. If someone with multiple
personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation? 22. Instead of talking
to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled
and insecure? 23. Is there another word
for synonym? 24. Isn't it a bit unnerving
that doctors call what they do "practice"? 25. When sign makers go
on strike, is anything written on their signs? 26. When you open a bag
of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 27. Where do forest rangers
go to "get away from it all"? 28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food? 29. Why do they report
power outages on TV? top
of page What
Others Have Learned I've learned that you can't hide
a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6 I've learned that I like my teacher
because she cries when we sing"Silent Night". Age
7 I've learned that when I wave
to people in the country, they stop what they are doing
and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I
get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.
Age 12 I've learned that if you want
to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone
else up. Age 13 I've learned that although it's
hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict
with me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company
is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my
child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 25 I've learned that wherever I
go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age
29 I've learned...that if someone
says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age
39 I've learned that there are people
who love you dearly but just don't know how to show
it. Age 41 I've learned that you can make
someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age
44 I've learned that the greater
a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age
45 I've learned that children and
grandparents are natural allies. Age 46 I've learned
that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 I've learned that motel mattresses
are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50 I've learned that you can tell
a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost
luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52 I've learned that regardless
of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53 I've learned that making a living
is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I've learned that if you want
to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age
61 I've learned that life sometimes
gives you a second chance. Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't
go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw
something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue
happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others,
your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will
find you. Age 65 I've learned that whenever I
decide something with kindness, I usually make the right
decision. Age 66 I've learned that everyone can
use a prayer. Age 72 I've learned that it pays to
believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.
Age 73 I've learned that even when I
have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I've learned that every day you
should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands,
a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 85 I've learned that I still have
a lot to learn. Age 92
