harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 17
 Sex Therapist
 Talking Bird
 State Mottos
 Adrift at Sea
 Viagra/Pfiser Riser
 Un-Classified Ads
 Minister and Lawyer
 Ode To A Mammogram
 At the Lumberyard
Equal Opportunity Employer What Others Have Learned
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Minister and Lawyer were Chatting...
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
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Sex Therapist
 The two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
  "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
  "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "so have Tom and I."
  "We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
  "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
  Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked.
 "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a  physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could  help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and  buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the  floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue.
 Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life  is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
 With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the  doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is  nothing I can do for you," he said.
 "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John,  surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you  give us some help? Any help at all?"
 "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerio..."
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At the Lumberyard
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

 The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

 The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
 "Alright. How long do you need them?"
 The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time.
We're gonna build a house."
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Talking Bird
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
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 This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I  just won the lottery!"
 She says," Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the  mountains?"
 He replies," I don't care....Just get the heck out!!!"
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Un-Classified Ads submitted by C.R. of Arbutus, MD
 Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
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What State Mottos SHOULD Be:
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We were the First! Damit! and don't you forget it!
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free!
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster, but don't stick around
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale... Ahsuppose
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and The Best Darn Militia
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, = Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
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Disposition: inline
     A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial a grand motherly, elderly woman.
     He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and      talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know  you."
     The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
     She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  I used to babysit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with      anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.  Yes, I know him."
     At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
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Equal Opportunity Employer
 A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal  Opportunity Employer."
 A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.   Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
 The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
 The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
 By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
 The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
 The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
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Adrift at Sea
    Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the two men stumbled across an old lamp.
    Secretly hoping that a Genie would he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
Castaways, one did come forth! This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.
    Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into
    Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
    The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long,
tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!"
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Viagra/Pfiser Riser
Subject: New drugs???
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.'
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
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Ode To A Mammogram
For years 'n years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by Law.....
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close" she said
as she got my tit in line.
"And tell me when it hurts"she said,
"Ah yes! There! That's just fine"
She stepped upon a pedal....
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down....
My boob was in a vice!!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched
From way up by my chin
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenceless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding
My chest is smashed in her machine
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting
"There that was good" I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"now let's get the other one"
"Lord, have mercy" I was praying
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she has never had this done,
to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped---ker pow!!!
This machine was made by a man,
Of this I have no doubt.....
I'd like to get his nuts in there,
For months he'd go without.
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  1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  6. What's another word for thesaurus?
  7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their  lights off?
  9. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
  23. Is there another word for synonym?
  24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
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What Others Have Learned
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing"Silent Night". Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 25
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 45
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
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