harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 16
The Kiss 
Quiz Page
Dead Horse
The Monkey
Empty Seat
Empty Seat
Born Loosers
Church Bulletins
A Cold Day in
The Dog Fight
Heaven & Lawyers
Chilli Contest Words that don't exist Interesting Quotes
What It Really Means Computer Programer's A Ferrari & a Moped
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Dead Horse
   Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following;

   1. Buying a stronger whip.
   2. Changing riders.
   3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
   4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
   5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
   6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
   7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
   8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
   9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
   10. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
   11. Blaming the horse's parents.
   12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
   13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
   14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
   15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
   16. Procure a COTS dead horse.
   17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
   18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
   19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
   20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
   21. BRAC the horse farm on which it was born.
   22. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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A true story.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase xponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
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What It Really Means
.  "It's a guy thing."
.  Really means....
.  "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
.  "Can I help with dinner?"
.  Really means....
.  "Why isn't it already on the table?"
.  "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
.  Really means....
.  Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
.  "It would take too long to explain."
.  Really means...
.  "I have no idea how it works."
.  "I'm getting more exercise lately."
.  Really means....
.  "The batteries in the remote are dead."
.  "We're going to be late."
.  Really means....
.  "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
.  "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
.  Really means....
.  "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
.  "That's interesting, dear."
.  Really means....
.  "Are you still talking?"
.  "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
.  Really means....
.  "I forgot our anniversary again."
.  "You expect too much of me."
.  Really means....
.  "You want me to stay awake."
.  "It's a really good movie."
.  Really means....
.  "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
.  "That's women's work."
.  Really means....
.  "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
.  "Will you marry me?"
.  Really means....
.  "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
.  "You know how bad my memory is."
.  Really means....
.  "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
.  "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
.  Really means....
.  "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
.  "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
.  Really means....
.  "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
.  "I do help around the house."
.  Really means....
.  "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
.  "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
.  Really means....
.  "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
.  "I can't find it."
.  Really means....
.  "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
.  "What did I do this time?"
.  Really means....
.  "What did you catch me doing?"
.  "She's one of those rabid feminists."
.  Really means....
.  "She refused to make my coffee."
.  "I heard you."
.  Really means....
.  "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
.  "You know I could never love anyone else."
.  Really means....
.  "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
.  "You look terrific."
.   Really means....
.  "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
.  "I brought you a present."
.  Really means....
.  "It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."
.  "I missed you."
.  Really means....
.  "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
.  "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
.  Really means....
.  "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
.  "We share the housework."
.  Really means....
.  "I make the messes, you clean them up."
.  "This relationship is getting too serious."
.  Really means....
.  "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
.  "I don't need to read the instructions."
.  Really means....
.  "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
.  "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
.  Really means....
.  "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
.  "I broke up with her."
.  Really means....
.  "She dumped me."
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Top 10 words that don't exist, but should:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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A Ferrari & a Moped
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

 "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

 The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"

 "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

 "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

 The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

 "Sure," replies the owner.

 So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all  right!"

 Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

 "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

 "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped out run a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

 The old man moans and replies, "Yes. You wanna unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!!"
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The Kiss
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of an European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
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St. Peter Story for Lawyers
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informd them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many
people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
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    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity from TEXAS to be a judge at a chili cook-off, basically because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a writer and known and adored by all.  Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of  the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably behind her back they call her Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kind of cute.

Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very   impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Is that you mama?
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Born Loosers
1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.

2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. (That had to be one of the most expensive meals ever prepared for man or beast. :)

3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening to his walkman.

6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughter house in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last and best .....

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've  guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
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A Cold Day in . . .
  An old Navy boilerman dies and goes to hell. Satan is making the rounds, greeting his new arrivals and he comes upon the boilerman, who is smiling, looking relaxed and quite comfortable. "Hot enough for you?", asked Satan.

  "Just like a nice spring day in the boiler room", replied the boilerman.

  Satan is ticked off. Everyone is supposed to be miserable. After all, this is hell. So he goes and he turns up the heat. After a while, he visits the boilerman and again, he finds him in good spirits. "Hello Satan", said the boilerman, "it's just like a nice summer day in the boiler room isn't it?"

  Now old Satan is REALLY livid. He heads back jabbing lost souls with his pitch fork and kicking the shit out of any demon crossing his path. Suddenly, he had an idea. "So he likes heat", thought the Devil, "I'll fix that". And he proceeds to turn the furnaces off.

  It takes a while, but pretty soon it's like the arctic (cold as hell, so to speak). Chuckling to himself, he wanders over to where the boilerman was doomed to spend eternity. This time he finds him shivering and turning blue, but still grinning.

  He sees the devil and says, "So Satan. I guess the Cardinals won the superbowl".
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Church Bulletins
  Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
  1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
  2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
   7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

  8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
  10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
  23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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The Dog Fight...
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans
showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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Interesting Quotes
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die: Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered. -- Woody Allen

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. -- From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -- P.J. O'Rourke

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'' -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.  Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL]

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
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Empty Seat
Every Seat in the Football Stadium on Grand Final Day Was Sold
 Except One. A Television Reporter Noticed the Empty Seat and Thought There Might Be a Story to Be Told.
 "Tell Me," He Said to the Man Who Was Sitting Beside It, "Why Is this Seat Empty?"
 "That's My Wife's Seat," Replied the Bloke.
 "Why Isn't She Here Then?" Asked the Reporter.
 "'Cos She Died Last Week," the Bloke Replied.
 "But Surely You Could Have Found a Friend to Come with You Today,"  Said the Reporter.
 "No," Replied the Bloke, "They're All at the Funeral."
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I wrote and sent
When the tide of life turns against you,
and the current upsets your boat.
don't waste tears on what might have been,
just lie on your back and float...

My son Colin responded...

Just make god damn sure your're not bleeding,
from a cut or wound or a gash,
'cause if you mix your blood in the water,
a shark'll come snack on your ass!
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The Monkey
  A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole.

 The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
 "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later, the same patron and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

 The bartender is disgusted and exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
 "No, what?" responds the patron.
 "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron, "Ever since that damned cue ball, he measures everything first."
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The Computer Programmer's Contest:
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming
up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!

How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."
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Old Timer
A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
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