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Alzheimer's |
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1.
Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things
like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a
committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to
visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the
standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a
tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training
session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the
state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Pass legislation
declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Blaming the
horse's parents.
12. Harnessing several
dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No
horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional
funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study
to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Procure a COTS
dead horse.
17. Declare the
horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality
circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the
performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse
was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. BRAC the horse
farm on which it was born.
22. Promote the
dead horse to a supervisory position.
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Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase xponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is
it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman
year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic. The
student got the only A.
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2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking
it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove'
all the germs.
4. ELBONICS
(el
bon' iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust)
n.
The small line of debris that
refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room
until he finally decides to give up and sweep
it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout
on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to
the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER
(pehp
ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.
8. PHONESIA
(fo
nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as
they answer.
9. PUPKUS
(pup'
kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window
after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches
away.
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"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped out run a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The
old
man moans and replies, "Yes. You wanna unhook my suspenders from your side-view
mirror!!"
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One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private,
grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world
this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant
Major in the face and get away with it!"
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To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter
turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need
all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the
question
a little harder: "How many
people died on
the ship?"
The garbage
man
guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns
to the Lawyer: "Name them."
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Chili # 1:
Mike's
Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato
flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.
Chili # 2:
Arthur's
Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?)
with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor,
needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach
of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
after bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo
under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston
Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight
with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's
Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili,
a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke.
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make
it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. She said
her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call
her Forklift."
Chili # 4:
Bubba's
Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods,
not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping
across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ...
it's kind of cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's
Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded
beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one
of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's
Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive
use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now
a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's
Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as
if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade
in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one
eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy
they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell
our children I'm sorry
I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let
it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've
found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's
Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is
a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the
chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending,
this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.
FRANK: Is that
you mama?
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2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. (That had to be one of the most expensive meals ever prepared for man or beast. :)
3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening to his walkman.
6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughter house in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the last and best .....
7. Iraqi terrorist,
Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back
with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened
it and said a fond farewell to his face.
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"Just like a nice spring day in the boiler room", replied the boilerman.
Satan is ticked off. Everyone is supposed to be miserable. After all, this is hell. So he goes and he turns up the heat. After a while, he visits the boilerman and again, he finds him in good spirits. "Hello Satan", said the boilerman, "it's just like a nice summer day in the boiler room isn't it?"
Now old Satan is REALLY livid. He heads back jabbing lost souls with his pitch fork and kicking the shit out of any demon crossing his path. Suddenly, he had an idea. "So he likes heat", thought the Devil, "I'll fix that". And he proceeds to turn the furnaces off.
It takes a while, but pretty soon it's like the arctic (cold as hell, so to speak). Chuckling to himself, he wanders over to where the boilerman was doomed to spend eternity. This time he finds him shivering and turning blue, but still grinning.
He
sees
the devil and says, "So Satan. I guess the Cardinals won the superbowl".
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8)
Wednesday,
the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little
Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5pm there
will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers,
please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter
Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.
11) The service will close
with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the
rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special
collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing
to do something on the new carpet will come forward
and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the
church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will
be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
15) At the evening service
tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will
meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council
Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation.
Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) Eight new choir robes
are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will
be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The senior choir invites
any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.
22) Please join us as
we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first
child.
23) Scouts are saving
aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used
to cripple children.
24) The associate minister
unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of
it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough
to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed
the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five
years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American
replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an
alligator look like a Dachshund."
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I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
Based on what
you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln
would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the
Civil War.
2. Advising the
President.
3. Desperately clawing at the
inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
For three
days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
taper
off.
-- Johnny Carson
G M: So, Mrs.
Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't
that a burden?
S: Well, I love
my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but
I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet
Your Life_
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die: Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..
Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered. -- Woody Allen
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. -- From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson
Q: What did
the
instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going
to do this once.
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -- P.J. O'Rourke
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'' -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL]
Instead of
having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and
if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
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My son Colin responded...
Just make
god
damn sure your're not bleeding,
from a cut or
wound or a gash,
'cause if you mix your blood
in the water,
a shark'll come snack on your
ass!
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The
bartender
screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" "He just ate
the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't
surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball
and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks
later, the same patron and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink
and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out and eats it.
The
bartender
is disgusted and exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" responds the
patron.
"Your monkey just stuck
a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate
it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replies the patron, "Ever since that damned cue ball, he measures everything
first."
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Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!
How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody
knows... Jesus saves."
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