Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
What's the definition
of an accountant?
Someone who solves
a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
How do you know
you've met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole
named after him.
What does an
accountant Do for birth control?
He talks about
What's an extroverted
One who looks
at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an insolvency
Someone who arrives
after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor
cross the road?
Because he looked
in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three
kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can
count and those who can't.
How do you drive
an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a
chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants
suffer from that ordinary people don't?
is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
ALL IN GOOD FUN
of page Female
Hormones Found In Beer
revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their
theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100%
of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became
emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
of page Druggist
IT COULD HAPPEN!!
home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on
the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist
and demand an apology.
he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just
a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out
to the car, ,just to realize that I locked the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store
there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store
opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone
was ringing off the hook."
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer
to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands
and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - - when
I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of
them hit the floor and broke.
the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer
it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...
...so, I TOLD HER!"
of page The
boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,
"What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them
and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped
out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
of page Country
when you play country music backwards?
Your wife comes
back, the dog comes back and the finance company tows your truck back.
of page Cowboy
- Never kick
a fresh turd on a hot day.
- There's two
theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you get
to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's
- If you find
yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Never smack
a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- It doesn't
take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Never ask a
barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Good judgement
comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Always drink
upstream from the herd.
- When you give
a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they
learn their lesson.
- When you're
throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody
- Lettin' the
cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
- Always take
a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know
what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
- The quickest
way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- A smart ass
just doesn't fit in a saddle.
- Never miss
a good chance to shut up.
of page Golf
guy who had never even heard of golf, and knew no rules was out taking
said, "see that flag out there, it is standing in a hole, you want to hit
the ball as close to that hole as possible"
The guy, in whatever
language he spoke said "O.K." and hit his ball. The beautifully straight
shot hit the fringe, rolled up onto the green and landed about 2 cm from
They walked up
to the ball, and the instructor says "nice shot, now you want to hit the
ball into the hole" The guy looks at him and says "why didn't you tell
me that in the first place?"
of page You
know you're middle aged when:
than your dentist.
It takes you
two tries to get up from the couch.
A telephone rings
on the TV and you think it's yours.
90% of your dreams
You no longer
say "no" to the lobster bib.
The only "Stones" you're interested in these days are
Kidney and Gall.
has more memory than you do.
You bring lawn
chairs to outdoor concerts.
People warn you
about shoveling snow.
You go from being
a do-it-yourselfer to a hire-someone-elser.
You don't have
bad hair days; you have bad hair years.
can use words like "titillate," "shuttlecock" and "Uranus"
of page Top
Ten Amish Spring Break Activities:
10. Drink molasses
'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet
8. Stuff as many
guys as you can into a buggy.
6. Blow past
the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns".
4. Cruise streets
of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til
2. Drive over
to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass.
1. Churn butter
of page Counselling
After just a
few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and
his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was
their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
to be the problem?"
the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other
hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the
wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed
her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards,
the wife sat there speechless.
over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice
scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
of page Tickle-Me-Elmo
modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me
Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly
the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to
her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were
packed into boxes.
they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line
to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part
but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed
she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate
place on the dolls.
could not control his laughter and said,
"Lady, I said
to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
of page Golf
A guy stood over
his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring
the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner
nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit
the blasted ball!"
answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to
make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you
don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
of page The
A preacher was
making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked
want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my
bike in trade for it?"
boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around
a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a
few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little
boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The
preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long
since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string.
It'll come back to ya!"
of page The
Touch of the Master's Hand
and scarred, and the old auctioneer
Thought it scarcely
worth his while to waste much time on the old violin,
it up with a smile:
"What am I bidden,
good folks," he cried,
the bidding for me?"
"A dollar, a
dollar"; then, "Two!" "Only two?
and who'll make it three?
once; three dollars, twice; going for three ..." but no.
room far back, a gray-haired man
and picked up the bow;
the dust from the old violin,
the loose strings,
He played a melody
pure and sweet
As a caroling
ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice
that was quiet and low,
Said; "What am
I bidden for the old violin?"
And he held it
up with the bow.
And who'll make it two?
And who'll make it three?
once, three thousand, twice,
And going, and
gone," said he.
The people cheered,
but some of them cried,
"We do not quite
it's worth." Swift came the reply:
"The touch of
the master's hand."
And many a man
with life out of tune,
and scarred with sun,
cheep to the thoughtless crowd,
Much like this
A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine;
A game; and he
He is "going"
once, "going" twice,
and almost "gone."
But the Master
comes, and the foolish crowd
Never can quite
The worth of
a soul and the change that's wrought
By the touch
of the Master's hand.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
a job from a decent, hard-working American.
you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black
man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND
balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt
cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on it.
It is the
Mother of all Chickens.
chicken cross the road?
cross it with a toad?
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Luther King, Jr.:
a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
a government conspiracy.
a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way
that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.
the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather, "Who was crossing
the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the
anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What
the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
only for God to know.
In the rain.
I was playing golf with it at the time
no controlling legal authority to prevent the chicken from crossing the
It's a friggin' chicken... fugeddaboutit!
of page Going
A man driving
on the highway is pulled over by a police officer riding on a motorbike.
The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road. He says,
"I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"
The police officer
says, "No, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back".
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I
was going deaf."
of page Sex
A feeble old
man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the
check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the
old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the
doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health
for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for
a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"
"Well," the old
man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a
walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc.
I want my sex drive lowered."
the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain
about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old
man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here,"
pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.
of page Driving
Under the Influence
a local cop was staking out a O'Doul's, a particularly rowdy pub in the
Irish section of town, on St. Patrick's night, waiting for the inevitable
sop to come staggering out, and try to drive home.Sure enough out stumbles
Paddy O'Rourke, who tries to open the doors of five cars before he gets
into his own. Paddy spends abut five minutes putting the key in the ignition.
Finally, he drives erratically out of the parking lot, weaving down Main
Street, with Jimmy in hot pursuit.Jimmy pulls Paddy over, arrests him,
and takes him to the DUI testing station. Jimmy is astonished when Paddy
blows a reading of zero.
Jimmy asks Paddy, "What's wrong laddy, are you sick or something, the way you were carrying
on, after leaving O'Doul's."No Jimmy, it was my turn to be the designated
of page Confucius
was a very wise man...
"Man who drop
watch in toilet have shitty time."
in pantry have ass in jam."
balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
. . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Work to become,
not to acquire."
in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand
makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man
in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke
pot choke on handle."
"Ok for shit
to happen . . . will decompose."
"Man who put
head on RailRoad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting
"Sailor who gets
discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
and park, accidents cause people."
"He who crosses
the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."
"Man who tell
one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many
nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Woman who cooks
carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat
many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
too God damn much!"
"Those who quote
me are fools."
"Man who drive
like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who keep
feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
"Man who sit
on tack get point!"
"Man who runs
behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jump
off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"War not determine
who's right, war determines who's left."
"Woman who goes
to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"
"Man who lay
woman on ground, get piece on earth."
"Man who gets
kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
"Man who kisses
girl's behind, gets crack in face. "
like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly. "
"Man with holes
in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
"Man who fight
with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Kotex not best
thing on earth, but next to best thing. "
"Man who walk
through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok "
"Man who drop
watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. "
"Man who take
lady on camping trip, have one intent"
of page Old
men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old
guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning,
I cut my face."
old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when
I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third
old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad
that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
WHO'S IS BIGGER.....................
A man walks
into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender
what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "If you can make
my horse laugh, you win the money." So, the man walks around back
of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing
and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back into the
tavern and takes the jar of cash. A few weeks later, the same man
walks into the tavern and sees another jar of cash on the bar. He
asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender
says "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were in here last
and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the money."
So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the
loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to
the bar and reaches for the jar of cash. "Hold on a minute, says the bartender.
I've gotta know what you said to that horse."
says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick
was bigger than his." "And the second time?" Asked the bartender.
"I showed him." said the man.
of page The
Having just moved
into his new office, a pompous colonel was sitting at his desk when an
airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel
told the airman to enter, and then quickly picked up the phone and said, "Yes General, I'll be seeing the brigadier this afternoon, and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied.
"Just here to hook up your telephone."
of page Will
The Real Dummy Please Stand Up
President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual
leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Police in Oakland,
California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come
out and give himself up...
And What Was Plan
B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
Some Days, It
Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators
on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000
home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught
homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas
Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently,
the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
Have I Got a Deal
for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told
to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples
and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy
the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at
the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that
the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college
degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads
out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed
to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber
apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running
out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman
Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police
have the man's charred trousers in custody...
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
to Bad to Worse
Good: Your hubby
and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't
find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter
Good: Your son
studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find
several porn movies hidden there
Good: Your husband
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks
better than you
Good: Your son's
Bad: He's involved
with the woman next door
Worse: So are
Good: You give
the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps
Worse: With corrections
Good: The postman's
Bad: He's wearing
fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave
him nothing for Christmas
Good: You came
home for a quickie
Bad: The postman
had the same idea
Worse: You have
Two kids were
having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."The other kid said, "Well, my mother
is better than your mother."The first boy paused, "I guess you're right.
My father says the same thing."
of page Little
Ten year old
Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out
some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.She
says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close
to supper time. Go outside and play."Johnny whimpers and says, "There's
no one to play with."Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with
you. What do you want to play?"He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."Trying
not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine,
I'll play. What do I do?"Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie
down."Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.Johnny,
feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.
He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices
a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips
it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the
bedroom doorway.His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"In a
gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some
of page Church
Over the massive
front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gate of
Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other
Rev. Warren J.
Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that
the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person
my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went
to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold,
snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the
village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service
today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding
time, I feed it."
During a children's
sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little
boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"
A student was
asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? "3,
6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the
beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed
my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went
to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And G-d
threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator
of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling
one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what
to draw?" I said, "G-d tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing
parts of it?"
After the church
service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give
you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because
my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited
some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter
and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to
say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our
daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
of page DOG
RULES FOR EFFECTIVE ROLLING
1. Always roll
on dead and decaying things
2. If you can't
find #1, ALWAYS go for #2 (poop)
3. Always roll
when your furthest from soap and water
4. After rollin',
put on that "I'm so cute, how can you hate me" look
5. Make sure
you get stuff *inside* your ears, it's harder to clean off there
6. If your partner
rolls but you didn't get to, rub on him/her to get some
7. Make sure
you jump on the good sofa or bed *immediately* upon arriving home
8. Snails and
slugs make great substitutes when real substances can't be found
9. Try to get
the stuff stuck in your collar, or better, all over the leash
10. After rollin',
make sure to approach *every* stranger just as they say "Oh, how cute"
of page Tax
bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.),but nobody
could do it.
this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed
away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.
crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or
replied, "I work for the IRS."
of page Last
billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an
artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history
buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went
through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business
for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."
Upon his return,
the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise,
what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds
of Indians in various stages and positions of making love.
Furious, he called
the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
exactly what you asked for. "said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't
ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of
the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"
"And there you
have it, "said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those Fucking
of page Quotes
Quote from a
recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday,
until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the
Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it
sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote
from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we
My Boss frequently
gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said
to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs
a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes
in her brain.
I thought my
Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard,
too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile
accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary
tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb
the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the
Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a
solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would
have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to
job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies
you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry
Quote from telephone
inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start
interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes
her summer classes.
No one ever said "if I'd only spent more time in the
of page The
The morning after
a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden
Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with
gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold,
even the urinals were gold plated.
Bob was ready
to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned
the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold
rim?" Bob asked."Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end."And
is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.
"Yes it is" was
the reply from the other end. "
"And, one more
thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob.
Bob could hear
the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found
the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"
of page The
Birds and the Bees
A man was
helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his4-year-old son standing
wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great,
.he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need
to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
was over, the man walked over to his son and said,"Well son, do you have
gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit
of page A
fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular
basis. After the second week, he made his move."No thank you." she said
politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love.""That must be rather difficult."
the man replied."Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my
husband pretty upset."
of page Cool
A customer was
continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that
the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked
it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly,
the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't
throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care."
said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
top of page
20 (more or less) Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in
1.The mouse is
referred to as a, "critter."
3.There is a
Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a
gunrack mounted on the CPU.
keypad only goes up to six.
this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck.
has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
have beerstains on them.
goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
is up on blocks.
tick hounds under the desk.
in the desk drawer.
saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in
18.The six front
keys have rotted out.
Evils of Demon Vodka
A new priest
at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass
he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am
worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip". The next Sunday
he took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the sermon he got nervous
and took a drink of the vodka. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning
to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door from
1. Sip the vodka
2. There are
10 commandments not 12.
3.There are 12
disciples not 10.
4. Jesus was
consecrated not constipated!
5. Jacob wagered
his donkey; he didn't bet his ass.
6.We do not refer
to Jesus Christ as the "late J.C.".
7. The Father,
Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and spook!
8. David slew
Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
9. When David
was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey don't say he was stoned off
10.We do not
refer to the cross as "The Big T".
broke bread at the last supper he said. "Take this and eat it forfor it
is my body". He did not say"eat me".
Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry".
grace before meals is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St, Peters, not a peter-pulling
---See you next Sunday
Something on Tv from a Science Fiction Show
A Window Was
Something You Hated to Clean....
And Ram Was the
Cousin of a Goat.....
Meg Was the Name
of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was Your
Middle Finger Upright
Now They All
Mean Different Things
And That Really
Was for Employment
A Program Was
a Tv Show
A Cursor Used
A Keyboard Was
Memory Was Something
That You Lost with Age
A Cd Was a Bank
And If You Had
a 3 1/2' Floppy
You Hoped Nobody
Something You Did to the Garbage
You Did to a File
And If You Unzipped
Anything in Public
You'd Be in Jail
for a While
Log on Was Adding
Wood to the Fire
Hard Drive Was
a Long Trip on the Road
A Mouse Pad Was
Where a Mouse Lived
And a Backup
Happened to Your Commode
Cut You Did with
a Pocket Knife
Paste You Did
A Web Was a Spider's
And a Virus Was
I Guess I'll
Stick to My Pad and Paper
And the Memory
in My Head
I Hear Nobody's
Been Killed in a Computer Crash
But When it Happens
They Wish They Were Dead
of page CITIES
of page Things
a Southerner would never say...
no matter how
much they've had to drink...
no matter how
high the fever...
no matter how
much you threaten them...
no matter how
many Yankees are surrounding them...
no matter how
far from the South they've wandered (by mistake, of course)...
these are things
a Southerner would never, ever say!
take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
tape won't fix that.
Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
don't keep firearms in this house.
anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
can't feed that to the dog.
thought Graceland was tacky.
kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
you think my hair is too big?
have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
do these bonsai trees need watering?
me the small bag of pork rinds.
heads detract from the decor.
is such a nasty habit.
just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
the fat off that steak.
tastes better than espresso.
tires on that truck are too big.
have the arugula and radicchio salad.
got it all on a floppy disk.
tea tastes better.
you like you fish poached or broiled?
fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on
3. I believe you cooked those green beans
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
#1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...
of page True
A true story
from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury dutyI
was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning
us began right off as an intimidating
showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike
lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced,