harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 15
Old Men
Going Deaf
Tax Humor
Golf Drive
The Chicken
Middle Age
Golf Lesson
Dog Rules
Fellow in a Bar
Cowboy Logic
The Preacher
Office Quotes
Country Music
Accounting Fun
Master's Hand
Last Thoughts
The Elevator
True Story
Top Ten Amish
Golden Club
Church Humor
The New Colonel
Little Johnny
Who's is Bigger
Good to Bad to
Tell if a Redneck
The Real Dummy
Cool Restaurant
Evil Demon Vodka
Remember When
World Idealogies
Birds and the Bees
Cities and States
Southerner never say
Michigan vs the Beavers
Driving Under the Influence
Female Hormones Found In Beer 
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Accounting Fun
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.
What does an accountant Do for birth control?
He talks about his business.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an insolvency practitoner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
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Female Hormones Found In Beer
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
 Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, ,just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
 Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
 He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
 Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... ...so, I TOLD HER!"
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The Elevator
 An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by  almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls  that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,  "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)  responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I  don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching  wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls  and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them  and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father  watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.  They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.  The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped  out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
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Country Music
What happens when you play country music backwards?
Your wife comes back, the dog comes back and the finance company tows your truck back.
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Cowboy Logic
- Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
- There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
- Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Golf Lesson
This foreign guy who had never even heard of golf, and knew no rules was out taking a lesson.
The instructor said, "see that flag out there, it is standing in a hole, you want to hit the ball as close to that hole as possible"
The guy, in whatever language he spoke said "O.K." and hit his ball. The beautifully straight shot hit the fringe, rolled up onto the green and landed about 2 cm from the hole.
They walked up to the ball, and the instructor says "nice shot, now you want to hit the ball into the hole" The guy looks at him and says "why didn't you tell me that in the first place?"
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You know you're middle aged when:
You're older than your dentist.
It takes you two tries to get up from the couch.
A telephone rings on the TV and you think it's yours.
90% of your dreams are reruns.
You no longer say "no" to the lobster bib.
The only "Stones" you're interested in these days are Kidney and Gall.
Your computer has more memory than you do.
You bring lawn chairs to outdoor concerts.
People warn you about shoveling snow.
You schedule sex.
You go from being a do-it-yourselfer to a hire-someone-elser.
You don't have bad hair days; you have bad hair years.
Finally, you can use words like "titillate," "shuttlecock" and "Uranus"
without laughing.
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities:
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk keggar.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns".
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 AM.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass.
1. Churn butter naked.
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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
 "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
 He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
 The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Tickle-Me-Elmo Factory
  A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and  hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
 On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up.  The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
 The boss could not control his laughter and said,
"Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
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Golf Drive
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
 The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
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The Preacher
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
 "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
  The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
 The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
 The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
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The Touch of the Master's Hand
 Twas battered and scarred, and the old auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while to waste much time on the old violin,
 But held it up with a smile:
"What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,
"Who'll start the bidding for me?"
"A dollar, a dollar"; then, "Two!" "Only two?
Two dollars, and who'll make it three?
Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice; going for three ..." but no.
 From the room far back, a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then, wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening the loose strings,
He played a melody pure and sweet
As a caroling angel sings.

 The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said; "What am I bidden for the old violin?"
And he held it up with the bow.
"A thousand! And who'll make it two?
Two thousand! And who'll make it three?
Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice,
And going, and gone," said he.
The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand
What changed it's worth." Swift came the reply:
"The touch of the master's hand."

And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sun,
Is auctioned cheep to the thoughtless crowd,
Much like this old violin.
A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine;
A game; and he travels on.
He is "going" once, "going" twice,
He's "going" and almost "gone."
But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The worth of a soul and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the Master's hand.
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The Chicken
 Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
 Pat Buchanan:
 To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
 Louis Farrakhan:
 The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken  crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
 Bill Gates:
 I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross  roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2  it gets 1.4999999999.
 The Bible:
 And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the  chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
 The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road  reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
 L.A. Police Department:
 Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
 Richard M. Nixon:
 The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did  not cross the road.
 Saddam Hussein:
 This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite  justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
 Saddam Hussein #2:
 It is the Mother of all Chickens.
 Dr. Seuss:
 Did the chicken cross the road?
 Did he cross it with a toad?
 Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
 Martin Luther King, Jr.:
 I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
 It was a government conspiracy.
 It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
 Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.
 Darwin #2:
 It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
 Oliver Stone:
 The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
 Jerry Seinfeld:
 Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
 The Pope:
 That is only for God to know.
 Colonel Sanders:
 I missed one?
 Ernest Hemingway:
 To die. In the rain.
 O.J. Simpson:
 It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time
 Al Gore:
 There is no controlling legal authority to prevent the chicken from crossing the road.
 Al Pacino:
 Whaat?! It's a friggin' chicken... fugeddaboutit!
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Going Deaf
A man driving on the highway is pulled over by a police officer riding on a motorbike.
The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road. He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"
The police officer says, "No, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back".
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."
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Sex Drive
A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"
"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."
Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.
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Driving Under the Influence
Jimmy Muldoon, a local cop was staking out a O'Doul's, a particularly rowdy pub in the Irish section of town, on St. Patrick's night, waiting for the inevitable sop to come staggering out, and try to drive home.Sure enough out stumbles Paddy O'Rourke, who tries to open the doors of five cars before he gets into his own. Paddy spends abut five minutes putting the key in the ignition. Finally, he drives erratically out of the parking lot, weaving down Main Street, with Jimmy in hot pursuit.Jimmy pulls Paddy over, arrests him, and takes him to the DUI testing station. Jimmy is astonished when Paddy blows a reading of zero.
Jimmy asks Paddy, "What's wrong laddy, are you sick or something, the way you were carrying on, after leaving O'Doul's."No Jimmy, it was my turn to be the designated decoy."
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Confucius was a very wise man...
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."
"Man who put head on RailRoad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Confucius say too God damn much!"
"Those who quote me are fools."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
"Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"
"Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."
"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. "
"Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly. "
"Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. "
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok "
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. "
"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent"
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Old Men
 Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first  old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his  morning, I cut my  face."
 The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that  when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."  The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so  bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
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WHO'S IS BIGGER.....................

 A man walks into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks  the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says "If you  can make my horse laugh, you win the money." So, the man walks around  back of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts  laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back into  the tavern and takes the jar of cash.  A few weeks later, the same man walks into the tavern and sees another  jar of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is  for and the bartender says "My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you  were in here last and if you can make my horse stop laughing you win the  money."  So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the  loudest sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to  the bar and reaches for the jar of cash. "Hold on a minute, says the  bartender. I've gotta know what you said to that horse."
 "Well," says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick  was bigger than his."  "And the second time?" Asked the bartender.  "I showed him." said the man.
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The New Colonel
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel told the airman to enter, and then quickly picked up the phone and said, "Yes General, I'll be seeing the brigadier this afternoon, and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied. "Just here to hook up your telephone."
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Will The Real Dummy Please Stand Up
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?  An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...  Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

The Getaway  A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Have I Got a Deal for You!  More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.  According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated  In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?!  Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!  A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.  The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."  Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Are We Not Communicating?  A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"   "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
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Good to Bad to Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait
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Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
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Little Johnny
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!
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Church Humor
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And G-d threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "G-d tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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1. Always roll on dead and decaying things
2. If you can't find #1, ALWAYS go for #2 (poop)
3. Always roll when your furthest from soap and water
4. After rollin', put on that "I'm so cute, how can you hate me" look
5. Make sure you get stuff *inside* your ears, it's harder to clean off there
6. If your partner rolls but you didn't get to, rub on him/her to get some
7. Make sure you jump on the good sofa or bed *immediately* upon arriving home
8. Snails and slugs make great substitutes when real substances can't be found
9. Try to get the stuff stuck in your collar, or better, all over the leash
10. After rollin', make sure to approach *every* stranger just as they say "Oh, how cute"
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Tax Humor
 The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.  Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.),but nobody could do it.
 One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
 After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
 But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.
 As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
 The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Last Thoughts
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for. "said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"
"And there you have it, "said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those Fucking Indians!'"
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Quotes from offices:
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
No one ever said "if I'd only spent more time in the office"
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The Golden Club
The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.
Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked."Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end."And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.
"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "
"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob.
Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"
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The Birds and the Bees
 A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, .he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
 After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,"Well son, do you have any questions?"
 "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move."No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.""That must be rather difficult." the man replied."Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
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Cool Restaurant
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.  Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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Top 20 (more or less) Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office
1.The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck.
8.Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14.The monitor is up on blocks.
15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
18.The six front keys have rotted out.
19.John Deere pocket protectors.
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The Evils of Demon Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip". The next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink of the vodka. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door from the monsignor:
1. Sip the vodka don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated not constipated!
5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he didn't bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "late J.C.".
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and spook!
8. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T".
11.When jesus broke bread at the last supper he said. "Take this and eat it forfor it is my body". He did not say"eat me".
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before meals is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St, Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at
St. Taffy's! ---See you next Sunday
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Remember When?
Computer Was Something on Tv from a Science Fiction Show
A Window Was Something You Hated to Clean....
And Ram Was the Cousin of a Goat.....
Meg Was the Name of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was Your Middle Finger Upright
Now They All Mean Different Things
And That Really Mega Bytes
An Application Was for Employment
A Program Was a Tv Show
A Cursor Used Profanity
A Keyboard Was a Piano
Memory Was Something That You Lost with Age
A Cd Was a Bank Account
And If You Had a 3 1/2' Floppy
You Hoped Nobody Found out
Compress Was Something You Did to the Garbage
Not Something You Did to a File
And If You Unzipped Anything in Public
You'd Be in Jail for a While
Log on Was Adding Wood to the Fire
Hard Drive Was a Long Trip on the Road
A Mouse Pad Was Where a Mouse Lived
And a Backup Happened to Your Commode
Cut You Did with a Pocket Knife
Paste You Did with Glue
A Web Was a Spider's Home
And a Virus Was the Flu
I Guess I'll Stick to My Pad and Paper
And the Memory in My Head
I Hear Nobody's Been Killed in a Computer Crash
But When it Happens They Wish They Were Dead
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Shapeless, Mass.
Goodness, Me.
Deathly, Ill.
Praise, Ala.
Proan, Conn.
Inert, Mass.
Ether, Ore.
Sayno, Mo.
Ooola, La.
Income, Tex.
Hittor, Miss.
Coco, Colo.
Noaz, Ark.
Acapel, La.
Farmerina, Del.
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Things a Southerner would never say...
no matter how much they've had to drink...
no matter how high the fever...
no matter how much you threaten them...
no matter how many Yankees are surrounding them...
no matter how far from the South they've wandered (by mistake, of course)...
these are things a Southerner would never, ever say!
  39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
  38. Duct tape won't fix that.
  37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
  35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
  34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  33. You can't feed that to the dog.
  32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
  31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
  30. Wrasslin's fake.
  29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  28. We're vegetarians.
  27. Do you think my hair is too big?
  26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
  24. Who's Richard Petty?
  23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
  21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  19. Trim the fat off that steak.
  18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  17. The tires on that truck are too big.
  16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
  14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  13. Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
  12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
  11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
   9. Checkmate.
   8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
   7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
   6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
   5. I don't have a favorite college team.
   4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
   3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
   2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...
  1. Elvis who?
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True Story
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury dutyI was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"  Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
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