Four
Men & their dogs Remember...these
Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
One
for You and One For Me There was a huge
nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling
down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought
he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew
what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing
the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man
with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe
what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the
souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard
to walk as it is!" After several
pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin'
the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear,
they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for
you. That's all. Let's get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." top
of page Cats
Are Smarter Than Men" because......... Cats would never
ask, "So, what have you been doing all day?" Cats never insist
on watching TV while eating dinner. Cats appreciate
and understand the importance of affection. Cats aren't aggravated
by instruction manuals. Cats would never
ask, "Are you SURE you want to eat that???" Cats don't sleep
through things that go bump in the night. Cats don't make
you feel bad when you don't exercise.. Cats never accidentally
call you by an old girlfriend's name. Cats would never
wear white socks with a business suit. Cats know the
importance of punctuality. Cats would never
use your toothbrush. Cats don't put
empty containers back in the refrigerator. Cats don't run
up huge debts on charge cards. Cats LOVE being
helpful. Cats stop using
the bathroom when it's dirty. From a
book by the same name.... by Beverly Guhl top
of page Camping
Alert! In case
anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following
public service announcement: In Alaska,
tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in
bear country. The bells warn away most bears. Tourists are also cautioned
to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings
to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. Grizzly
droppings are easily recognized because they contain tiny bells. top
of page Golfing
with the best! Moses and Jesus
were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the
fairway, but rolled toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club,
the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled
up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard.
It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the
water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto
the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked at the ball. It headed
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced
off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof
of a shack close by and rolled down into a gutter, down the drain spout,
out onto the fairway and straight toward the afore mentioned pond. On the
way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water
onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog
jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then,
an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed
over the green the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned
to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." top
of page Arthritis A man who
smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled
guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, scewing cheap women, too much alcohol
and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be damned." the drunk
muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean
to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't
have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." top
of page Frequently
Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Q: My Etch-A-Sketch
has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick
it up and shake it. Q: How
do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's
the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How
do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How
do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up
and shake it. Q: What
is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and
shake it. Q: How
do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How
do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. top
of page Budweiser
Method These three guys
are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter
the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss"
her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7.
She's really quite pretty." Another agrees,
and so does the third. The bartender,
while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating
of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give
her a 3." "A 3? How can
you give her a 3?!" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real
pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser
method for rating women." The guys look at each other, figure the bartender
has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later,
another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they
confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender,
wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of
the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only
give her a 5. "A 5?! How can you give
her just a 5?! She's absolutely gorgeous!" The bartender casually replies
that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women. "The Budweiser
method?!" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the
bar. They are quite
confused. Three, maybe
four minutes pass by, and then a stunning redhead, 5'11" goddess walks
into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape.Truly a work of flawless perfection.
Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this
young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of
beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once
more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously
at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would
be a 7. "A 7?! How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?! She's
gorgeous!" "Well," says
the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women." "Budweiser?!"
says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this "Budweiser
method" for rating women?!" "Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method
for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me
off her." top
of page Train
Ride There was a Irishman,
an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a
train going through the countryside.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel
and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages
and it went completely dark.Then there was a kissing noise and the sound
of a really loud slap. When the
train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting
as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his
face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: 'The
Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped
me instead.'Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have
tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.And
the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English
bastard again .' top
of page Four
Men and their dogs!!! Four men were
bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man
was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,
the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to
his dog. "T-Square do
your stuff". T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a
pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed
that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his
dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff". Slide Rule went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed
that was good. The Chemist said
that his dog could top that. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three
men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government
Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee
Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the
paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for workman's compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed
that was awesome. top
of page Collision
Course You gotta love
this one, especially if you have ever been on the Bridge of an Aircraft
Carrier: This is the transcript
of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10th 1995. Americans: Please
divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend
you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This
is a Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again DIVERT YOUR COURSE. Canadians: No.
I say again divert your course. Americans: THIS
IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE- DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is
a Lighthouse....... Your call....... top
of page Another
Chicken/Egg Story A doctor, a civil
engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest
profession in the world.The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says
that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required
surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the
world." The civil engineer
interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states
that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the
chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application
of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the
oldest profession in the world." The computer
scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but
who do you think created the chaos?"
