harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 14

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Registration Card
Alert Golfing
Train Ride
One for You
Cats Are Smarter
Four Men & their dogs
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
One for You and One For Me
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.  Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
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Cats Are Smarter Than Men" because.........
Cats would never ask, "So, what have you been doing all day?"
Cats never insist on watching TV while eating dinner.
Cats appreciate and understand the importance of affection.
Cats aren't aggravated by instruction manuals.
Cats would never ask, "Are you SURE you want to eat that???"
Cats don't sleep through things that go bump in the night.
Cats don't make you feel bad when you don't exercise..
Cats never accidentally call you by an old girlfriend's name.
Cats would never wear white socks with a business suit.
Cats know the importance of punctuality.
Cats would never use your toothbrush.
Cats don't put empty containers back in the refrigerator.
Cats don't run up huge debts on charge cards.
Cats LOVE being helpful.
Cats stop using the bathroom when it's dirty.
 From a book by the same name.... by Beverly Guhl
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Camping Alert!
  In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
  In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away most bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
 Grizzly droppings are easily recognized because they contain tiny bells.
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Golfing with the best!
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
    Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
    The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked at the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into a gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the afore mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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 A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
  priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"  "Mister, it's caused by loose living, scewing cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."  "Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.  The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"  "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
 Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
 A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
 Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.
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Budweiser Method
These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty."
Another agrees, and so does the third.
The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."
"A 3? How can you give her a 3?!" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women." The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings.
Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5. "A 5?!
How can you give her just a 5?! She's absolutely gorgeous!" The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.
"The Budweiser method?!" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar.
They are quite confused.
Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning redhead, 5'11"
goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape.Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl.
He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7. "A 7?! How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?! She's gorgeous!"
"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women."
"Budweiser?!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this "Budweiser method" for rating women?!" "Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her."
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Train Ride
There was a Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the countryside.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
 When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.  The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .'
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Four Men and their dogs!!!
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square do your stuff". T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said that his dog could top that. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation and went home on sick leave.
Everyone agreed that was awesome.
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Collision Course
You gotta love this one, especially if you have ever been on the Bridge of an Aircraft Carrier:
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10th 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is a Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again DIVERT YOUR COURSE.
Canadians: No. I say again divert your course.
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Another Chicken/Egg Story
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
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