harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 13

Adam & Woman
Mine Works Better
Mega Moron Awards Ventriloquist Story
How to mess with the IRS
On a Wing and a Scream
The Book of Toddler Property Laws
Office Policies Employee Handbook
Elementary Sherry or Port Zodiac Prayers Different Father
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Ventriloquist Story
A ventriloquist is making his way West.
His horse falls into hole and hurts his leg. He comes upon an indian camp and the chief says he can stay until his horse is better.
That night aound the campfire the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the chief.
"Chief, is that your horse over there?" " Yes, my horse"
"Does your horse talk?"
"Horse no talk"
"Horse----- How does chief treat you?"
The ventriloquist throws his voice.
"Chief good, Him feed me, cleans me, but sometimes he ride me hard"
The chief is astounded!!!!
"Chief is that your dog over there?"
"No talk to dog----Dog no talk."
"Hey Dog! How is Chief"
"Him good Chief----he gives me food, lets me sleep in teepee."
The chief is really gone bonkers now. He never knew that his animals could talk.
"Hey Chief ----- are those your sheep over there?"
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The Book of Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I...uh...Whoops!
Sorry! I goofed! I thought I was reading from the book of Toddler Property Laws.
...but, it appears to be the Microsoft Business Plan.
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Office Policies Employee Handbook
1.  If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2.  A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3.  Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4.  It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5.  After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6.  The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7.  You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8.  Eat one live toad, the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9.  When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves..
10.  If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
11.  There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12.  Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13.  Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14.  Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15.  To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16.  Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
17.  Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18.  If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
19.  You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20.  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21.  If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22.  At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
23.  When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24.  Following the rules will not get the job done.
25.  Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26.  When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27.  No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28.  The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now?
Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
Dear God!!!
Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.
Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the bastards don't deserve it!
Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.
If you jogged backward .would you gain weight?
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An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH NOOOO....they got me girlfriend, too!!"
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On A Wing & A Scream ~ Any takeoff you can walk away from is a good one!
  The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are  awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in  the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has less only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!
...Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
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  Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

  Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

  Florida: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"

  Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

  Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

  Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5:00am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

  Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulledthe bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

  Newark : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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 Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ``This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the driver said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''
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Sherry or Port ...
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.
On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
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(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary)
Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.
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Mine Works Better
 Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?'
Adam says: 'Yes.'
'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.'
'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
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 The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam? comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
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Different Father
 A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
    The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
    The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
    Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.  Then, finally, she says "You".
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Hi. Bob, the parable spinner, gives us a modern biblical tale:
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.
After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
 "Nothing. Just stand there."
A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing just stand there."
As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"
 "Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I would do the same.
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