harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 11
Tired Wife A farmer
I Only Wish  Beer Trivia..
Army War Game
Terrible Blizzard
Seeing Eye Dogs
College Application
Funny and Puny Puns
Cats Are Smarter Than Men
  Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

    Don't you wish when life is bad
    and things just don't compute
    that all we really had to do
    was stop and hit reboot?

    Things would all turn out ok
    life could be so sweet
    if we had those special keys
    ctrl and alt delete

    Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
    your wife, well she's just mute.
    Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
    that make it all reboot.

    You'd like to have another job
    you fear living in the street?
    You solve it all and start anew
    ctrl and alt delete.
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Funny and Puny Puns
 On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

 English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."

 On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

 On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

 Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

 At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

 At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

 On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

 On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

 At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

 In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

 On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

 On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

 At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

 Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

 At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

 In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

 On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

 In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

 In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
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Army War Game
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
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College Application
  The following was published in The New York Times. This is an NYU college admissions application essay question, and an actual answer written by an applicant.

  In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:

  Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

   I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

  Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large   suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
 While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
  I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.
   He was accepted.
 "If my possessions were taken from me with one exception, I would choose to keep the power of communication - for by it, I would soon regain all the  rest."  Daniel Webster
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Beer Trivia....
 In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses to the hospital for research. He stored the cadavers in cheap whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the researchers. He then sold
 the whiskey to the medical students ...thus the term "rot gut".

 It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because
 their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymonth" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

 Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". (I had always thought that the phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. I learn something new every day.)

 In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
 phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

 After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, orale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse,
 and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

 In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased andcalled Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.  The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

 Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is thephrase inspired by this practice. (Not wetting your lips, your "whistle"? Now I've learned two things. Time for a break.)
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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter? The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and
proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Terrible Blizzard
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and
ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

  "I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay here."

  "Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

  Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. Jack read the letter and then calls up his friend. "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm where we stayed back when?"


  "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and have sex with her?"


  "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

  "Yep, I'm afraid I did."

  "Well, thanks... she just died and left me everything!"
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In Ireland, Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat
goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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I Only Wish . . .
(Cite as: 1996 WL 655576 (S.D.Tex.))
United States District Court,S.D. Texas,Galveston Division.
Nov. 6, 1996.
KENT, District Judge.
This is a breach of contract case based on an insurance contract entered into by Plaintiff and Defendant. Now before the Court is Defendant's October 11, 1996 Motion to Transfer Venue from the Galveston Division to the Houston Division of the United States District Court for the Southern District of Texas
pursuant to 28 U.S.C. s 1404(a). For the reasons set forth below, the Motion is DENIED.
[3] Defendant's request for a transfer of venue is centered around the fact that Galveston does not have a commercial airport into which Defendant's employees and corporate representative may fly and out of
which they may be expediently whisked to the federal courthouse in Galveston. Rather, Defendant contends that it will be faced with the huge "inconvenience" of flying into Houston and driving less than forty miles to the Galveston courthouse, an act that will "encumber" it with "unnecessary driving time and expenses." The Court certainly does not wish to encumber any litigant with such an onerous burden. The Court, being somewhat familiar with the Northeast, notes that perceptions about travel are different in that part of the country than they are in Texas. A litigant in that part of the country could cross several states in a few hours and might be shocked at having to travel fifty miles to try a case, but in this vast state of Texas, such a travel distance would not be viewed with any surprise or consternation.
FN1: "The sun is 'rize, the sun is set, and we is still in Texas yet!"

Defendant should be assured that it is not embarking on a three-week-long trip via covered wagons when it travels to Galveston. Rather, Defendant will be pleased to discover that the highway is paved and lighted all the way to Galveston, and thanks to the efforts of this Court's predecessor, Judge Roy Bean, the trip should be free of rustlers, hooligans, or vicious varmints of unsavory kind. Moreover, the speed limit was recently increased to seventy miles per hour on most of the road leading to Galveston, so Defendant should be able to hurtle to justice at lightning speed. To assuage Defendant's worries about the
inconvenience of the drive, the Court notes that Houston's Hobby Airport is located about equal drivetime from downtown Houston and the Galveston courthouse. Defendant will likely find it an easy, traffic-free ride to Galveston as compared to a congested, construction-riddled drive to downtown Houston. The Court notes that any inconvenience suffered in having to drive to Galveston may likely be offset by the peacefulness of the ride and the scenic beauty of the sunny isle.

As to Defendant's argument that Houston might also be a more convenient forum for Plaintiff, the Court notes that Plaintiff picked Galveston as her forum of choice even though she resides in San Antonio. Defendant argues that flight travel is available between Houston and San Antonio but is not available between Galveston and San Antonio, again because of the absence of a commercial airport.
Alas, this Court's kingdom for a commercial airport!
FN2. Defendant will again be pleased to know that regular limousine service is available from Hobby Airport, even to the steps of this humble courthouse, which has got lights, indoor plummin', 'lectric doors, and all sorts of new stuff, almost like them big courthouses back East.
The Court is unpersuaded by this argument because it is not this Court's concern how Plaintiff gets here, whether it be by plane, train, automobile, horseback, foot, or on the back of a huge Texas jackrabbit, as long as Plaintiff is here at the proper date and time. Thus, the Court declines to disturb the forum chosen by the Plaintiff and introduce the likelihood of delay inherent in any transfer simply to avoid the insignificant inconvenience that Defendant may suffer by litigating this matter in Galveston rather than Houston.

For the reasons stated above, Defendant's Motion to Transfer is hereby DENIED. The parties are ORDERED to bear their own taxable costs and expenses incurred herein to date. The parties are also ORDERED to file nothing further on this issue in this Court, including motions to reconsider and the like. Instead, the parties are instructed to seek any further relief to which they feel themselves entitled in the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit, as may be appropriate in due course.

DONE this 6th day of November, 1996, at Galveston, Texas.
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Seeing Eye Dogs
  There's a guy with a Rottweiler and a guy with a Chihuahua.

 The guy with the Rottweiler says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

 "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

 The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

 The guy with the Rottweiler says, "Just follow my lead." They  walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Rottweiler puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

 A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

 The guy with the Rottweiler says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

 The guy at the door says, "A Rottweiler?"

 He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

 The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

 The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says,  "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

  The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

 The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

 The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me  a Chihuahua?"
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"Cats Are Smarter Than Men" because . . .
From a book by the same name.... by Beverly Guhl

Cats never ask if you've gained weight.
You never have to ask cats to take a bath.
Cats would never say, "You call THIS dinner???"
Cats know better than to argue with you.
Cats never ask you to wear spike heels and a tight sheath dress.
Cats' love isn't dependent on how clean the house is.
Cats would never ask you to wear a padded bra.
Cats understand the difference between laziness and a beauty nap.
Cats would never say, "Wear your blue skirt--it makes you look thin."
Cats don't drool over other women.
Cats would never ask, "How much did that cost me?"
Cats would never say, "You did WHAT to the car???"
You can trust cats with your best friend.
Cats would never say, "Move, honey, you're blocking the TV!"
Cats think you're very intelligent.
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A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurers the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer esponded,
"No way inhell could I do that!!". The attornery asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.

 "Well sir", the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then
proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor...
 Well, I thought I things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in Circumstantial Evidence."
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Tired Wife
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or
what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

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