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| Tired Wife | A farmer |
| I Only Wish | Beer Trivia.. |
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LIFE
Don't you wish when life
is bad
and things just don't compute
that all we really had
to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out
ok
life could be so sweet
if we had those special
keys
ctrl and alt delete
Your boss is mad, your bills
not paid,
your wife, well she's just
mute.
Just stop and hit those
wonderful keys
that make it all reboot.
You'd like to have another
job
you fear living in the
street?
You solve it all and start
anew
ctrl and alt delete.
Top of Page
English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand
there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Top of Page
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go
drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels
to give us some traction."
Top of Page
QUESTION:
In order for the admissions staff of
our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you
answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
ANSWER:
I am a dynamic figure, often
seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of
heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl
tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read
Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when
I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic,
and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate
in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life
but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course
meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka,
and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone
to college.
He was accepted.
"If my possessions were taken from me
with one exception, I would choose to keep the power of communication -
for by it, I would soon regain all the rest." Daniel Webster
Top of Page
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia
4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer, and because
their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honeymonth" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". (I had always thought that the phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. I learn something new every day.)
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints
and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant
brew they called aul, orale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle
often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare
shirt" in Norse,
and eventually took on the meaning of
their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased andcalled Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters
had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle", is thephrase inspired by this practice. (Not wetting your lips,
your "whistle"? Now I've learned two things. Time for a break.)
Top of Page
"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay here."
"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. Jack read the letter and then calls up his friend. "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm where we stayed back when?"
"Yep."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and have sex with her?"
"Yep."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
"Yep, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks... she just died and left
me everything!"
Top of Page
Defendant should be assured that it is not
embarking on a three-week-long trip via covered wagons when it travels
to Galveston. Rather, Defendant will be pleased to discover that the highway
is paved and lighted all the way to Galveston, and thanks to the efforts
of this Court's predecessor, Judge Roy Bean, the trip should be free of
rustlers, hooligans, or vicious varmints of unsavory kind. Moreover, the
speed limit was recently increased to seventy miles per hour on most of
the road leading to Galveston, so Defendant should be able to hurtle to
justice at lightning speed. To assuage Defendant's worries about the
inconvenience of the drive, the Court notes
that Houston's Hobby Airport is located about equal drivetime from downtown
Houston and the Galveston courthouse. Defendant will likely find it an
easy, traffic-free ride to Galveston as compared to a congested, construction-riddled
drive to downtown Houston. The Court notes that any inconvenience suffered
in having to drive to Galveston may likely be offset by the peacefulness
of the ride and the scenic beauty of the sunny isle.
As to Defendant's argument that Houston might
also be a more convenient forum for Plaintiff, the Court notes that Plaintiff
picked Galveston as her forum of choice even though she resides in San
Antonio. Defendant argues that flight travel is available between Houston
and San Antonio but is not available between Galveston and San Antonio,
again because of the absence of a commercial airport.
Alas, this Court's kingdom for a commercial
airport!
FN2. Defendant will again be pleased to know
that regular limousine service is available from Hobby Airport, even to
the steps of this humble courthouse, which has got lights, indoor plummin',
'lectric doors, and all sorts of new stuff, almost like them big courthouses
back East.
The Court is unpersuaded by this argument
because it is not this Court's concern how Plaintiff gets here, whether
it be by plane, train, automobile, horseback, foot, or on the back of a
huge Texas jackrabbit, as long as Plaintiff is here at the proper date
and time. Thus, the Court declines to disturb the forum chosen by the Plaintiff
and introduce the likelihood of delay inherent in any transfer simply to
avoid the insignificant inconvenience that Defendant may suffer by litigating
this matter in Galveston rather than Houston.
For the reasons stated above, Defendant's Motion
to Transfer is hereby DENIED. The parties are ORDERED to bear their own
taxable costs and expenses incurred herein to date. The parties are also
ORDERED to file nothing further on this issue in this Court, including
motions to reconsider and the like. Instead, the parties are instructed
to seek any further relief to which they feel themselves entitled in the
United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit, as may be appropriate
in due course.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
DONE this 6th day of November, 1996, at Galveston,
Texas.
Top of Page
The guy with the Rottweiler says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Rottweiler says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Rottweiler puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Rottweiler says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Rottweiler?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You
mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Top of Page
Cats never ask if you've gained weight.
You never have to ask cats to take a bath.
Cats would never say, "You call THIS dinner???"
Cats know better than to argue with you.
Cats never ask you to wear spike heels and
a tight sheath dress.
Cats' love isn't dependent on how clean the
house is.
Cats would never ask you to wear a padded
bra.
Cats understand the difference between laziness
and a beauty nap.
Cats would never say, "Wear your blue skirt--it
makes you look thin."
Cats don't drool over other women.
Cats would never ask, "How much did that cost
me?"
Cats would never say, "You did WHAT to the
car???"
You can trust cats with your best friend.
Cats would never say, "Move, honey, you're
blocking the TV!"
Cats think you're very intelligent.
Top of Page
"Well sir", the farmer began, "I was
out in the barn milking ole' Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her
she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked
my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water
trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her
right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and
the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied
that one down to the floor as well. She then
proceeded to kick over the pail with each
of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor...
Well, I thought I things under control
until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very
annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and
as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing
nothing but my T-Shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No
Sir!! I do not believe in Circumstantial Evidence."
Top of Page
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months
every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver
asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write
this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or
what'. Back home agian I take the cab and
again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you
going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see
doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
