I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that  I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

 You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -  Erica Jong

 I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

 I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne

 My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Rita Rudner

 I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. -- Susie Loucks

 This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta

 He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer

 I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Wendy Liebman

 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. -- Erma Bombeck

 If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Sue Grafton

 I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -- Roseanne

 I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.  - Sue Kolinsky

 I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.  --- Dolly Parton

 I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there.  And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? -Wendy Liebman

 I think-therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead

 "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

 "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

 "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

 "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

 "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."  --- Margaret Thatcher

 "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
--- Gloria Steinem

 "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem

 Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn

 "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli

 "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."  Baroness Edith Summerskill

 "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"-  Linda Ellerbee

 "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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